Is being online 'chatting' whilst in a relationship cheating?

[Arria]

I think one asks oneself this question only if one has the gut feeling what one does is actually wrong, so that question actually is the answer.

Comparing chatting with real people to looking at porn pages or movies is bullshit, because there is no interaction going on in porn - and there is therefore no chance some kinky porn actress starts to fancy your husband, come pay him a visit, and try to persuade him to leave you and run off with her instead!

Separate friends and interest are something else, too. Those are usually not hidden or kept secret.
It´s the sex-related "friends and interests" that get hidden, because those are what upsets partners and spouses.
(I agree that there are people who consider looking at porn or reading stories or even maasturbating to your own head-movie cheating, and this is in my opinion completely ridiculous, and I would not put up with such a person for long.)

I agree that there are things your spouse cannot provide you with, for whatever the reason may be, but I do not regard that fact as proof of "wasting your time with the wrong person".
Expecting ONE person to fulfill ALL your needs is a huge task. I consider it unfair to demand that from one single person.

I have one online person I share my non-possible fantasies with (quite splattery, leaving permanent damage or me as a corpse behind if taken to real life). Hubby knows this, and the best parts I send him to read.
He also has most of my passwords etc. and COULD basically sneak into my activities, but he says he does not do that (and I believe he would only do so if he was seriously worried about anything going on, or if he had the feeling I withdraw from him and give myself to someone else...).
He did not ask me for them, and I would not stay with a person who "demanded" it from me. I want a partner, not a fucking parent or control freak.
On the other hand - I gave them to him because he did NOT demand it, and therefore it was easy for me to do it, I did not feel mistrusted or pressured.
The one thing he won´t have is me doing anything physical/sexual behind his back online (I do not want anyone else offline/in real life, mind - however, if hubby left me for someone else, I might very strongly consider a visit to my online playmate *g*).

I, on the other hand, do not want his passwords and a full report of his online activities. I even believed for more than 10 years that he did online chatting, because he knows all the pages and stuff that is BDSM-related :-)
I never asked him, because I don´t mind if I don´t know it, as long as I don´t feel anything vital is being taken away from me/he rather spends his time online with others, than with me.

So "doing it behind your partner´s back" is ok with me, BUT! that is because I would want it that way, and not because we never spoke about that and I took his being "good" for granted.

(I only brought up the topic when I told him about that other online person and my fantasies, and only then it turned out he is not into onlining... the only way that would attract him was if he was to meet the other person later and do things for real, and as I am a jealous bitch, that´s not an option *g*).

And honestly, this whole discussion is pointless, because just if 1,000 people are fine with doing it, it does not make your spouse "wrong" if he does mind.

Online relationships might not be a legal reason for divorce, but they can break trust nevertheless.

Once you find you like to spend time with your online other better than being with your real life partner, or once you find you can better confide into your online other than into your spouse, you might want to reconsider your partnership, though.

I agree that one should not waste one´s life as well as someone else´s by being insufficient for each other.

Oh, and about those oh-so-good tips for "keeping your PC clear of all evidence": THAT would be one hundred percent more suspicious than leaving anything in the open.
And a person like my hubby who works in the IT field and also maintains my notebook, could discover any sort of traces anywhere anyway.

Hum, and I might be old-fashioned, but I think hanging around on such places while at work wrong. If I was a boss, I would not want to pay my employees for hanging around in chatrooms or forums for hours on end.
Plus I, as an employee, would find it embarrassing if our IT personnel could read about those things when checking my PC - no matter if it´s legally forbidden to pass the info on, I would simply dislike to have that sort of chat and forum activity known at work.
They know hubby and I are physically exclusive and into BDSM, but that´s something else. Details are not given.