Most of the discussion so far has focused on the case where he is not naturally dominant in a sexual or romantic context. In that case, I agree with pretty much everything that's been posted so far. I think the advice on how to proceed in that eventuality has been right on.

I'm thinking it might also be useful to talk about what if he really does have an "inner dom" but is reluctant to bring it to bear on seriouslynosn. How might she go about finding evidence of that being the case? And assuming it is the case, how might she go about helping him work past those hang-ups?

As for the first question, a few thoughts came to mind as I tried to decide for myself, based on the little information I got from seriouslynosn's posts, whether I would bet on him having an inner dom or not. Thoughts like:
  • Has he ever been rough or aggressive during sex?
  • Does he like to tease?
  • Does he have a "thing" for porn that focuses on objectifying or dominating women, such as gangbangs or facials?


Certainly none of those things are guarantees that he has dominant tendencies, but any "yes" answers could be considered a small clue pointing in that direction. Anyone else have any ideas about other things that might be an indicator of hidden desires to extend his dominant behaviors into the sexual arena?



As far as how to help him work past his hang-ups (assuming, for the sake of conversation, that there are just some hang-ups that are preventing him from acheiving his full dom potential and it's not just a complete lack of potential), I think the best way to come up with strategies would be to identify the hang-up(s) involved. From my personal experiences, a couple hang-ups come to mind:

I was raised with two over-the-top chivalrous ideals: never hit a woman and always defend the underdog. (Blame it on the single mother and a shitload of superhero cartoons.) Even though I was tying up every girl in the neighborhood at age 5, I still had a lot of difficulty with the idea of inflicting pain on even a willing woman, as an adult. It's not a particularly complicated intellectual exercise to work through the idea that she wants it and it makes her feel good and you want to make her feel good and so tying her up and spanking her is a winning proposition for everyone involved...but it did take me some time to reconcile that with a lifetime of childishly black-and-white ideals. Is there any indication that he may have the same thing going on? If so, you need to help him understand that BDSM is not the same thing as abuse.

The second hang-up was the idea that I could be strict and demanding and even sadistic to A Willing Woman, but it felt a little fucked up to do it to my One True Love, even if she was also A Willing Woman. Obviously, that's indicative of some leftover feelings that BDSM is wrong. It just takes some experience with the whole thing to see and eventually truly understand and believe that it isn't inherently wrong and can actually be a very healthy thing. I mention that because it's possible that you have been accurately reading indications that he is sexually dominant, but he may be hesitant to inflict those desires upon you. In that case, I you might need to help him understand why you want it -- what needs it fulfills, what issues (if any) you feel it helps you work through, etc.

The last thing that hung me up a little was that I just plain felt ridiculous at first. Like who puts on a mask and makes someone kneel in the middle of the room and beg forgiveness for not doing the dishes? Even though reading about it or RP'ing it out on a MUSH turned me on, I felt a little foolish actually acting it out. Even today, the contrived things like "You be a history teacher and I'll be naughty co-ed who never pays attention in class and now needs some extra help" make me cringe a little.

I think it's a lot like the common man's hang-up with dancing. As a younger man, I just didn't dance. But then one day I realized that women -- for the most part -- really like to dance and want men to dance with them, even if the men aren't great dancers. Having the balls to get out there and dance will usually earn you more points with a woman than looking like a jackass while doing it will cost you. (This assumes that you are just bad in the typical sense. If you look so horrible that no one in the room can imagine you thrusting your hips after watching you dance, then stick with the "I don't dance" thing, unless you want a whole shitload of female friends.) If that's all it is, then just lay off the props and ritualistic elements at first and make it worth his while to leave his comfort zone.

Anyone else have any ideas about what hang-ups might be standing in his way or how she might deal with them?