Why am I so sensitive about this?

[Mishka]

What are your (the two of you together and individually) positions on extramarital relationships?

I never thought I would. I'm in an online relationship. I was offered a R/l offer several times, but at the time I felt "forsaking all others" was something I promised. Now, as time goes on, I'm tempted. It would end the marriage for him. He couldn't handle that.

Miska, when having sex, is it fulfilling for both you and him? Also, age and status of health may factor into it. Has he always been distant sexually or just now becoming this way? If its something recent (past 2 or 3 years), perhaps he is having an issue he doesn't feel comfortable discussing.

I have enjoyed sex with him for the most part. I love him so I focus on the good and I have a poor memory, so forgiving and forgetting happens a lot. He has always been very conservative and prudish about sex. When we were first married I grabbed the pillow above my head instead of his arms, he didn't understand why I had done that and thought it was weird. He wouldn't touch me between my legs for eight years. He has briefly tasted me between my legs (about 3 times in 12 years) but as he says "he isn't there yet". Note, I said tasted. Nothing he did could really be called oral sex. Better to have tried than not tried at all. That I have given up on. No sex during the week, we've only recently started doing it at night since the morning is so noisy. (by started I mean once)

Time has passed, he's explored a different position, he has sat down with me and talked about it. However, there was a time he was so incredibly angry with me for complaining about not getting enough he through a chair into the wall...several times. Yes, it was his anxiety and depression talking, there was other things he was upset about, but he took it out on me, it was scary. He doesn't ever want to do that again, he's very angry with himself for losing control. He has gotten angry that I bugged him so much about it. I haven't in a long time because of that. Every time I bring up the subject I get nervous.

Since our reconciliation he has made an excellent effort at trying to build the trust and be reassuring that he won't be losing his temper again. He admits he's prudish but definitely wants to relax about things. The damage is done. I would go a month at a time, craving to be touched and made love to. He didn't care. Age and medication has made things a bit better. But rejection, when I looked forward to it, when we had discussed it (with 3 kids we practically schedule it, which is fine with me), and he blows it off, forgets, is too tired, won't initiate [I'm the top in this relationship, but submission comes much more naturally]...when it happens at all I break down.

I'm sorry this is so long. I've tried to find outlets for my frustrations but rejection hurts any way you slice it. Sometimes I think there might be a purpose in marrying a man with barely a drive. As I get older I could have health problems...and I would be truly heartbroken if I couldn't care for my Lover.

There's enough reasons to stay. As I said, our family works and works well. 1) I would love to have a more open outlet. 2) I wish I could accept that this is the way it is. He can't change me and I can't change him. Maybe it hurt this time because it was a promise broken, he said he would make more effort and didn't.

I need to shut up, I'm just going on and on.

You've all been very helpful.

[master 327-834-200]

There's enough reasons to stay. As I said, our family works and works well. 1) I would love to have a more open outlet. 2) I wish I could accept that this is the way it is. He can't change me and I can't change him. Maybe it hurt this time because it was a promise broken, he said he would make more effort and didn't.

This speaks volumes to me and I think says a lot about how you feel. I wonder if you are truly being honest with yourself or like me deceiving yourself.

[learningtopleez]

However, there was a time he was so incredibly angry with me for complaining about not getting enough he through a chair into the wall...several times. Yes, it was his anxiety and depression talking, there was other things he was upset about, but he took it out on me, it was scary. He doesn't ever want to do that again, he's very angry with himself for losing control. He has gotten angry that I bugged him so much about it. I haven't in a long time because of that. Every time I bring up the subject I get nervous.

See, now this scares me! He can be frustrated and angry and pissed off all he wants, but throwing a chair into the wall....several times, and taking it out on you is just plain wrong! And all because you wanted sex?????? Mishka hun, you should be able to say anything to him without the fear of him throwing a chair, or taking out his frustration on you! Him losing control that way is a huge problem, and it worries me that it could become physical. I was in a relationship with a man (not the ex hubby) who got angry and took out his frustrations on me. We had been together for 2 1/2 years and I had known him for twenty years when we got together, and I never in a million years thought he would hit me, but he did. He hit me twice that night, but I managed to get away. I had him arrested and put in jail the same night, and while he was in jail, I had all of my belongings packed up on a moving van and taken to storage. And I had to go threw lots of court BS, but I did it, because he was WRONG! Never, never take your husband losing control that way lightly. Take care of you and your kids first and foremost. I am not saying he has abused you in any way. But the two of you should be able to sit and have a conversation about your lives without throwing freakin' chairs or without you feeling nervous to even broach the subject! Sorry for ranting on and on about this, but it is a subject that touches a nerve with me! Guess you can tell by all this talk!

Now on to another part of your post!

He wouldn't touch me between my legs for eight years. He has briefly tasted me between my legs (about 3 times in 12 years) but as he says "he isn't there yet". Note, I said tasted. Nothing he did could really be called oral sex. Better to have tried than not tried at all. That I have given up on. No sex during the week, we've only recently started doing it at night since the morning is so noisy. (by started I mean once)

OH

MY

GOD!

NO ORAL?? Dear God I would die! And after twelve years he STILL "isn't there yet?" And it took him 8 years to even touch your pussy? *faints....thud* He must be very prudish, but one would think after so many years that the man would want to at least give it a try! It just boggles the mind, I tell ya! I'm not trying to be crude Mishka....I guess it's just hard for me to wrap my brain around.

With my ex hubby, well he wasn't the kind of man your husband is. Sex was not our downfall. Although he was a very "routine" kinda guy. We always did the same thing everytime, with very little variation, when it came to sex. But he was a very opinionated man, and his opinion was always correct in his eyes. We had been married for 14 years when I left him the first time. My kids were 13 and 11. I talked to them first and gave them the option of staying with their Dad or coming with me. I also made sure they understood that my reasons for leaving had nothing to do with them. They chose to stay with their Dad. It was the hardest thing I ever did, but I knew I couldn't live like I had been living anymore. After being assaulted by the ex assaulter, my hubby invited me to move back in so I would be safe. Yes, he is a wonderful man! We tried again, but we had grown apart, and I had hurt him badly, and didn't want to do that again. We talked, and decided that when I found a place to live I would move out again. And I did. My kids stayed behind again, but amazingly enough, have handled their Mom's comings and goings rather well. I love my kids, and I still love my husband, but he and I do not get along living in the same house. We do however get along great now! He would do anything for me, and I would for him as well. So why am I baring my soul, and telling things about myself that aren't so pretty? Because sometimes it helps others to know that they aren't alone, and that even when you love someone, sometimes it just isn't meant to be. Blaming yourself gets you nowhere. Make the decision that you and what you want in life are the most important things (other than your kids....that's a tough one), and do what you....just you can live with.

I wish you love, luck, and much happiness!

[TomOfSweden]

He has briefly tasted me between my legs (about 3 times in 12 years) but as he says "he isn't there yet".

12 years!!! Maybe that guy just isn't for you and never was? If he hasn't come around to give you a good time in bed after 12 years of marriage then maybe you're just not each others types? Sometimes seeing the ugly reality of a relationship is one nasty and painful truth.

Time to move on perhaps? There's no extra points for being in long relationships that aren't working. I've done it and I'm never going to do it again. Compromises is one thing, but sacrificing something that is important for you isn't compromising, it's dying a little every day.

Life is short.

edit: Divorce isn't half as bad for kids as seeing the parents in a shity relationship. Never forget that they're likely to copy all your misstakes in life. You're a role-model for them. What kind of life would you like them to live? Being security addicts or taking some chances in life?

edit2: Never forget that it is his responsibility to make a conscious effort in solving his problems and hang-ups. He is commited to making you happy isn't he? If he isn't or doesn't even understand, then you should definitely move on.

[orchidsoul]

Hi Mishka,

First off, my heart goes out to you.

By now, everyone has said pretty much what I was going to say... except for one thing which I'll get to.

Earlier on you mentioned everything is great except sexual compatibility. I'm a firm believer that that's very important. It's ok to be varied, and life can't always match our desires possibly creating some dry spells... but to be so completely unmatched sexually is difficult if one person has a strong libido. I remember after a break up with one man that I loved so deeply, would have spent my life with... through my tears I sort of comforted myself with the fact that at least the rest of my life wouldn't be that sex life. Don't get me wrong- it was ok, but I knew it would always be fairly straight forward and our libidos didn't match completely. I realized that day how important sexual compatibility is.

It sounds as if the anti-depressants only heighten what already exists. I would suggest a sex counselor as opposed to just couples counciling. The thought that he may be submissive crossed my mind, but when I read the part about 8 Years before he tasted your sex, what crossed my mind is perhaps he's homosexual. I don't say that in any judgement, and perhaps I'm far too sexual to understand prudish to the point of not being able to put my tongue on my spouses most intimate of places... but that's what crossed my mind. Perhaps I'm way off base and I apologize- hope no offense is taken.

I think ID has some good ideas of how to spice things up, and Master 327 has a good point about talking too much about a topic. If it's discussed too much that you're unsatisfied, your husband may be fearful to try (though it doesn't sound like he's tried to much in the past). This is in no way your fault- just two mismatched libidos- but perhaps not discussing it and acting upon it (counceling, masterbation with no participation on his part, special make out time with no pressure for sex, sexy outfits, etc) could help a little.

I really think he needs a sex therapist though- imho there's something more to this than prudish... there has to be.

Good luck and very hot av!

"Compromises is one thing, but sacrificing something that is important for you isn't compromising, it's dying a little every day. "
well said Tom.