Suspended

[TheDeSade]

This one is one of my early works also. I have not revisited it for several years. I am anxious to hear what everyone thinks before I edit and re-write it.

TDS

Suspended

Suspended deep in time and space
focused within, oblivious,
all reference bound to a single place.

Consciousness anchored to a touch;
a feathered stroke,
sensed more than felt, saying much.

Dancing lightly on the neck;
a journey begun, exploring,
traveling slowly a sensuous trek.

Down and across a silky plain;
soft curves, hollow traced
amid ecstacies rising reign.

Approaching now to wondrous
mounds;
gently rising, inviting;
evoking gasps at being found.

And sundering deep these two delights;
a cleft, promising
wondrous and intense delights.

Down to seek those hidden treasures;
descending slowly, building
intensely, ever expanding pleasure.

Into the depths to expose,
two surprises, flowers;
a tulip open wide and a tightly budded
rose.

The rose caressed with greatest care,
a sudden gasp, followed
then with hints of deep desire.

The tulip petals softly pushed apart,
revealing within, moist,
a secret pearl at the heart.

And at the slightest meeting
smoldering fires ignited,
opening, inviting with ecstatic greeting.

New veins of knowledge now
demanding,
promising, luring,
requiring depths of understanding.

Drawn onward into the flowers core,
spreading outward, released,
overflowing, enveloping, promising
more.


With each new search within,
new heights surpassed,
but promising more before the end.
When suddenly through the fire,
shuddering tremors, together,
attaining the long sought spire.

[ElectricBadger]

Really good work, very sensuous! I like the lines,
"two surprises, flowers;
a tulip open wide and a tightly budded rose."

The only line I'd really recommend reworking was:
"sensed more than felt, saying much."
-I feel like that sensation could be shown with an image or description, and loses a lot by being explained instead.

Thanks for sharing!

[Talia]

Very lovely poem......

[frankee]

Wonderful poem DeSade!

[StillBehindBlueEyes]

With each new search within,
new heights surpassed,
but promising more before the end.

Ummmmm, makes me want to stretch real slow and real long and smile up at someone kneeling over me.

[moptop]

Nice one, TDS. I could just feel those fingers... very sensuous; could imagine myself being explored. "a feathered stroke". Mmmm.

I found the change in rhythm/pattern at the end difficult. Havn't quite worked it out yet.

[Echoes]

gulp, okay...dare I again? A lot of gerunds? Perhaps vary a couple?
wondrous was used twice in two consecutive verses.
I agree with EB on showing even if just one word...change perhaps sensed to give a word that whispers this sensation?
I will have to read more...just suggestions TDS

heh I belonged to a couple poetry sites a few years ago and trying to help some ended in many hurt feelings and a lot of dispute, so I do hesitate, but yet know you are going to edit this and appreciate only suggestions to take and leave at your discretion

...but to say TDS, this is absolutely breathtaking and makes one sigh and feel every word. You do paint beautifully with your mind and passion seeps from every breath you take and expell. Again you show Mastery with rythme and words, and focus, wit sharp and honed.

[TheDeSade]

OK guys, lets get this straight. I wouldn't post em here if I didnt expect honest upright and serious criticism. I am still on a learning curve here and I need all the help I can get. You aren't going to offend me and certainly I am not going to get pissed off. You do it for me honestly and with serious good intention and I will do the same for you..OK!

TDS

[Echoes]

OK guys, lets get this straight. I wouldn't post em here if I didnt expect honest upright and serious criticism. I am still on a learning curve here and I need all the help I can get. You aren't going to offend me and certainly I am not going to get pissed off. You do it for me honestly and with serious good intention and I will do the same for you..OK!

TDS

OK!

[Echoes]

Alright TDS, I have mulled and reread this one quite a few times...

technical gliche ecstacies is spelled ecstasies

again the word sensed, where your whole poem was poetic imagery and emotion...this one word told the reader to feel instead of letting them lose themself in the feeling

What kept halting and throwing me off the whole poem was not the ending but one stanza that did not follow suit and rhythm as all the rest did.

The rose caressed with greatest care,
a sudden gasp, followed
then with hints of deep desire.

again I still find some gerunds towards the end taking away from the imagery and even sounding of the poem...if a few can be altered?

I found nothing wrong at all with the last stanza except perhaps to take out one word but

A very insightful, passionate, loving, expressive and devoted poem full of feeling and depth, another desirous dance of two.
Exceptional and beautiful, thank you

softest hugs
~echoes~

[TheDeSade]

here is an editted version.


Suspended deep in time and space
focused within, oblivious,
all reference bound to a single place.

Consciousness anchored to a touch;
a feathered stroke,
sensed more than felt, saying much.

Dancing lightly on the neck;
a journey begun, exploring,
traveling slowly a sensuous trek.

Down and across a silky plain;
soft curves, hollow traced
amid ecstasies rising reign.

Approaching now to wondrous
mounds;
gently rising, inviting;
evoking gasps at being found.


And sundering deep these two delights;
a cleft,dark and mysterious as the night

Down to seek those hidden treasures;
descending slowly, building
intensely, ever expanding pleasure.

Into the depths to expose,
two surprises, flowers;
a tulip open wide and a tightly budded
rose.

The rose with care caressed,
a sudden gasp, followed
then with hints of need supressed.

The tulip petals softly pushed apart,
revealing within, moist,
a secret pearl at the heart.

And at the slightest meeting
smoldering fires ignited,
opening, inviting with ecstatic greeting.

New veins of knowledge now
demanding,
promising, luring,
requiring depths of understanding.

Drawn onward into the flowers core,
spreading outward, released,
overflowing, enveloping, promising
more.


With each new search within,
new heights surpassed,
promising more before the end.
When suddenly through the fire,
shuddering tremors, together,
attaining the long sought spire.