BDSM, love, marriage and pain

[TaintedJohn]

Fat, dumb and cluless, but happy and in love, was my life on my 50th birthday earlier this month. Not "getting enough" was about the total of list of complaints in my 14th year of marriage. After a rocky start, the last year was the best. It only took my willingness to trust my best friend/wife to explore BDSM outside of our marriage. She put my mind at ease talking about her training. We explored BDSM between ourselves. While mostly domming, I found myself with a strong submissive side which we fed sometimes.

The rocky start was caused by trust issues concerning a two week business trip that she returned "too" happy and returning with a bruised bottom from another trip a month later. We were to the final end moves of our marrige exactly a year ago. She had returned to pack her cats and was leaving in the morning. We had an "honest" talk where she confessed she lied about the bruises. She had gone to see a Pro Dom to experience a real beating like she had read about on the internet. She had been naked, but there had been no sex. She didn't think she could share this side of herself with me, even though she had a spanking fetish our entire marriage. As closed mouth as I was about my fantasies and that my mind had her doing far more than this relativity benign new truth. I put this on the level of me getting a lap dance at a tittie bar, or so I've heard.

It wasn't my first choice, but I suggested that she look into exploring BDSM outside of our marrige if we could address my concerns about it. She looked like someone had just thrown her a rope before she went over the falls. She turned on a dime and we went back to working things out.

She talked to everyone she knew that had an interest in BDSM. I started reading here and books about BDSM. A few weeks later she talked about someone she works with being in a stable, but vanilla marriage, who was willing to try to start her training.

One tiny(lol) problem, my wife having anything to do with my dick made me impotant from this point on. This led to less sex, several doctors and a therapist. Last week, on the eve of another therapist visit, I sat my wife down and put into words what was bothering me. "I think you lied about what happened on your two week trip" "I think you lied to me when you confessed your lie about the brusies" "I think you "found" a dom that was a coworker too easy........." The last sentence was barely a whisper. The real problem was I didn't really "think" she was lying when she told me these things, I was sure of it, AT THE TIME. I just couldn't bring myself to face it. I was willing to do anything to keep her.

This means I was willing to send her off to her Dom a couple of times a month for her "no sex" sessions. This was knowing that she lying about everything. God, I'm so pathatic.

I really expected a pause before she answered, but her quick reply was "Right on all points". This was where time stood still for me. When it finally started moving again she was explaining where she had know "her" Dom from the two week trip where they had started with spanking and such. They were close friends and that really had been no sex between them then or since. I believed her(really). The bad news was that she had lost her desire for me, BDSM or vanilla. A few days later I suggested a 6-month separation until she could decide whether I was her guy in marriage or bed. She seemed relived with this idea. When I waffled a little she let me know that this would be for the best. God, I'm so pathatic.

The kicker to this was a few weeks ago while driving her to work I finally told her of my darkest fantasy where I'm her bitch and she has a strap-on. I had tried to tell her several times before, but my mouth would turn numb and I would start drooling. I realized that if I didn't tell her I would never tell anyone ever. She seemed cool with it, but she made me realize that she now owned my soul because I had said those fateful words that can never be taken back "Could you buy a strap-on Honey?" My submisive insided soared at these threats, of course. God, I'm so pathatic.

When she tried it on one afternoon to check the fitting. I was soaring when I looked at her face when she didn't realize it. It was all wrong. I would never be able to erase it. We never used it. Never will. We will never be having sex again.

My heart is broken. God, I'm so pathatic.

tj

[learningtopleez]

TaintedJohn,
First of all you are not pathetic! You were lied to and because you love your wife so much you chose to believe her, instead of facing the truth. This does not make you pathetic IMHO...it makes you a man who is willing to try to hold on to the one he loves, but never, ever pathetic! Also, having submissive desires does not make you pathetic either, it just makes you perhaps a switch??
I am very sorry she hurt you. No one deserves to be hurt, but unfortunately, if we are never hurt, then we will not realize the true bliss of love when it does come our way! Know you are cared for by someone you don't even know, hold your head high and do your best to move forward!
Best of luck sug!

Hugs
~ltp~

[TaintedJohn]

I'm sorry for the dumping on myself.

Yes, I'm switch. The sub side of me is helping get thought this period the best. Trying to pickup and examine the diffferent emotions that wash over me. Feeling it, naming it, and enduring it. It's time to "cowgirl up" time. Yeah, life just caught me with a wrap-around to a sensitive spot that I thought was protected. If I'm not going to safeword right now then I should stop wiggling around and enjoy the rest of it.

My Dom side is sure that she will return on her knees wearing nothing but a collar in a few months. Like most Doms, that side of me is not in complete touch with reality.

I was feeling really down last night and venting through this post has helped. That and I took the best pair of nipple clamps out of the toy bag to take with me.

tj

[learningtopleez]

Glad it helped you to post TJ...just wanted you to know you have a friend...that's all! Seems you are handling things very well and for that I'm happy for you!

[Ruby]

Tainted John,

That just sucks. LTP has lots of good points and re-reading them makes me realize how much stronger she has become because of her own relationship struggles. Pathetic? TJ, you are anything but that.

To be in love with a woman you can't trust isn't what anyone needs or wants. Trust, communication, and a willingness to please each other are so very mandatory.

If you've discovered she's not going to be "the one", then let her go. Your "in denial" dom side and "dissapointed" sub side will be better off with another switch who can be the light of your life.

Big hugs and many good blessings to you as you go through this rotten experience.

Ruby
XXX 000

[Chuckdom19]

God, I'm so pathatic.

tj

TJ, my heart feels strongly for you, having been there myself. I fought 13 years to keep my first marriage together; fighting lies, overlooking her proven infidelities, burying my feelings.

Are you dumb? Pathetic? Hardly. You've been trusting, caring, and a man in the best sense of the word. You kept your promise.

I left my marriage with bruises and financial disaster at 35. The bruises were inside and out; wasn't sure whether I could ever trust again, if I'd ever find another. Serendipity led me to my partner Lady Dee: after we were married, we learned our exes had had an affair in another town we'd both lived in.

You can still find happiness in life, TJ. Don't put the blame where it doesn't belong.

Feel free to PM or email me personally if you need to talk. I'm here for you, friend.

Chuck

[orchidsoul]

TJ,

To love completely, honestly, with compassion and passion, makes you anything but pathetic.... but from experience I understand why you think that way once burned. Love can be blinding, but one capable of loving that greatly only makes you an amazing human being and man. You loved with integrity, and one day a very lucky lady will be the rightful recipient of that love. I hope you're doing as well as you can through this saddening experience.

Lots of hugs to you.
os

[Sir Lanceloth]

ruby you stated it well, let her go! both your sides (some call them jekyl and mr hyde) will be better off with someone who nurtured all of you. From what ive learned communication is the only way, she does not communicate with you! in fact she lied even when asked for the truth! doesnt seem to me like an trustworthy person and so communication is made impossible.