Vulnerability and Master

[spicennice]

I have spells of not feeling well. When I am not well I feel incredibly vulnerable (because I am). My Master has been here just about every evening for he past 2 months 'helping me' through these 'spells'. Before that he was here just about every night for months before with a 2 month or so interruption of our relationship in between. The interruption was my doing. I felt badly for the hard time he was doing with me so I asked him to leave.

I have found that during my 'spells' or when I am feeling weak and vulnerable coming into or going out of the spells, I have the worst time in the world referring to him as Master. Keep in mind this is all pretty new to me, so it is not hard core ingrained at this point. But still, it is like it screams out to me while I am sick that I just cannot give someone that control. No idea why - it isn't like he doesn't deserve it as he is absolutely deserving of it especially through those times. He works so very hard to help me.

Can anyone tell me please, do you have a hard time with the dynamic when feeling vulnerable or is that when it comes more easily to you?

[denuseri]

Dear spice

Its actually a perfectly natural responce for anyone to have depending upon their individual personality and situation.

But also imho says you dont trust him fully yet eaither in all things, at least when your having one of your "spells". Which is perfectly OK. I love and trust my Owner in ways that I would no other, I owe him my very life, but even I have issues that are beyound my control sometimes, we all do. Especially those of us who have been unduely harmed before.

And real trust, takes time and real deeds to develope and it takes even longer when your dealing with things that precluded your current relationship (if thats what your speaking about)

It can't be forced by eaither of you.

When dealing with trust issues and "triggers" that I have had in the past and currently under certian situations still have, my Owner takes a much different approach than is ussually the case when its comes to many aspects of M/s. He offers to help, but doesnt demand my compliance. Often times He simply waits very patiently and lets me come to him after making sure that I know his door is allways open. Since I was very badly harmed and hurt in some pretty bad ways by others before, I have a lot of different things that make it difficult for me sometimes and He prefers to gently coax my submission forth as opposed to trying to push things, especially when what would be normal levels of pushing in any other typical D/s arrangment will just make things worse.

Its hard for both of us sometimes, but its what we have found to work best for us. many of the things that I once enjoyed doing were ruinned for me by the others, and slowly but surely he has been helping me to find enjoyment in this way of life again.

If your master is able to go to therapy with you it can really help (provided you have a kink friendly therapist its even more helpful, but not entirely nesseary)/ a therapist doesnt nessesarally have to know your kinks to help you and he work together at comunication and such.

It also helps a lot if your master can understand that your reactions are not nessesaraly a reflection of his dominion in these situations your describing.

Work on them together and at your own pace, don't try to force things.

I wish you and he the best of luck and hope that you will have a long and fruitful journey together.

Respectfully

denuseri

[kurious25]

I agree with what denu says, but also would like to offer some knowledge gained from my own struggles. I have a medical condition that is cyclical in nature, similar to what you describe. I have plenty of time where I'm fine, but there are also times where I'm weak and run-down. When I'm at my most sick and feel most vulnerable it is very hard to do anything that enforces vulnerability or weakness. I know that I need to be strong to get through the rough patches, to fight on the days when I want to curl-up in bed and not move. It is a bit of a conformational bias....if I do not act weak or vulnerable then I must not be weak or vulnerable.

For you I suggest you figure out why it is that you need to be strong, is it a lack of trust, or a need to view yourself as being strong or in control. Knowing what drives your behavior is the first step, then you can talk it out with your Master and discover what will work for both of you.

Good luck with everything - kuri

[foreverchained]

I agree with what denu says, but also would like to offer some knowledge gained from my own struggles. I have a medical condition that is cyclical in nature, similar to what you describe. I have plenty of time where I'm fine, but there are also times where I'm weak and run-down. When I'm at my most sick and feel most vulnerable it is very hard to do anything that enforces vulnerability or weakness. I know that I need to be strong to get through the rough patches, to fight on the days when I want to curl-up in bed and not move. It is a bit of a conformational bias....if I do not act weak or vulnerable then I must not be weak or vulnerable.

For you I suggest you figure out why it is that you need to be strong, is it a lack of trust, or a need to view yourself as being strong or in control. Knowing what drives your behavior is the first step, then you can talk it out with your Master and discover what will work for both of you.

Good luck with everything - kuri

Well said kuri,

I have days where i go through the exact same thing. I had depression for most of my life and had to be 'strong' and 'in control' to get through it. Now though, even though the depression has gone I still have off days where i can barely even look at my Dom, let alone speak to him.

For me, (as denuseri said) its a trigger thing, when I feel run down I immediately go to the depressive place and my mind makes me defensive and controlled and strong, not much help when you're a sub. The only way I can handle it is by just letting it wash over me for a while and then when its needed I go to my dom and we sort it out from there (if anything needs sorting that is)

I'm sorry i've not been much help, i'm just trying to let you know you aren't alone.

Good luck, i hope you sort things out.

lily xx

[spicennice]

Thank you all so much for your direction. You were all very helpful. My trauma was one very much based on power and control lorded over me in an abusive way by one very trusted by me. I believe it is a trust issue and one of 'what does he want from me'. It comes and goes; sometimes I am more prone to it and other times not so much. I think I have this background noise of 'you are acting caring but I have been fooled by that before'. I will, as you suggest Denuseri, be patient with myself. That goes against the grain for me but am learning it is so important here. Thank you.

Kurious, I think it is both a lack a trust and needing to be strong. I find that I tend to have more spells around him. Most likely because he feels safe in so many ways so I think that I can put my guard down. When we start into the dynamics, I feel I need to ward off the 'vulnerability' that places me into.

Foreverchained, I like your thought of just letting it wash over me as I feel that when I fight it it makes me more prone...may I ask, do you remove yourself from Master at those times or does your Master know and stand back a bit?

Thank you all so much for your help....

[foreverchained]

I know what you mean about fighting against your feelings, (for me it was abuse too, by someone i should have been able to trust). I don't know how it is for you but when i start feeling iffy (for want of a better word) i literally can't talk about it, my thoughts get all jumbled so i take myself out of the way for a while and just sit quietly, if i'm away for a while though my Master tends to come to see me, and make sure i'm ok, if i still feel iffy he leaves again for a while.

This way works for me because if i'm having to fight my own feelings i cant relate to Master in the same way as when i'm well and tend to be very stroppy, if i'm left alone i tend to come round quicker. Its difficult to explain, but i hope you get the idea

Dont worry about asking, also feel free to PM if you want

xx