Sir Priapus' 1st Assignment

[Dragon's muse]

Welcome to the Block!

For your first assignment, craft a scene/chapter/story with the following opening:

Jack drummed his fingers on the desk. The rigidity of his shoulders and jawline were the only indications of his inner turmoil. The intense whisper rasped through clenched teeth, "She cannot be allowed to get away with this."

[Sir Priapus]

Thanks for the assignment! I'll see if I can't stir the creative juices.

[Sir Priapus]

Sorry for the delay, but I should have something to post in a few days.

Thanks,

Sir Priapus

[Dragon's muse]

Take your time, luv. i know that the muse (pardon the expression) can't be rushed. She get's cranky if you try.

[Sir Priapus]

Ok, here is what I have so far, though it is not complete.

Thanks,

Jack drummed his fingers on the desk. The rigidity of his shoulders and jawline were the only indications of his inner turmoil. The intense whisper rasped through clenched teeth, "She cannot be allowed to get away with this”. Melissa, Jack’s executive assistant, visibly flinched. Normally, her boss was cool, calm, and collected. In the three years she had held her position, this was the first time she had seen Jack angry. Truly, angry wasn’t the right word. Frosted was the best way to describe Jack’s emotional state. His nickname throughout the company was The Ice Man because, no matter how steep the odds or desperate the stakes, Jack remained nonplussed. Melissa couldn’t have been more surprised if Jack had picked up his chair and thrown it across the room.
She leaned over Jack’s shoulder to get a clearer view of what caused this unprecedented reaction. On the flat panel computer monitor in front of them the screen was divided into four views. Each view streamed video surveillance footage from different locations of the building. The date/time stamp on each view showed the footage was from the previous Wednesday evening. The upper left hand corner showed a cubicle in the Accounting department. The angle was such that the viewer could plainly read the documents on the desk and whatever was presented on the computer monitor. Jack and Melissa saw exact figures and calculations for the company’s earnings for the last quarter; earnings that weren’t supposed to be made public for another two and half weeks when the Board made the announcement to the shareholders. The next showed a tall, red headed woman fidgeting in an elevator with something small in her hand. The third view showed the woman walking quickly and nervously towards a door marked Loading Dock C. The final image was from an outdoor security camera with a wide angle view of the loading dock. Out of a door steps the red headed woman and tosses a small, black object into the driver side window of a blue Toyota sedan parked about twenty feet from her. The woman watched the car drive quickly away then went back inside.
“So, Security found the leak you suspected”, said Melissa.
Somewhat calmer now, Jack nodded and leaned back in his chair, his brow furrowed beneath his dark brown hair. His piercing green eyes intently watched the security images loop on the screen. Melissa could still sense the anger; see it in the way he clenched his fist around a pen, his knuckles showing just a little too much white.
“I want her checked out, Melissa. Get the usual investigative agency to look into her background. While you’re in HR getting them her information, I want a copy of everything we have on her. Resume, application, benefits; everything. Be discreet. Make sure it looks like you were never there. Once you have it together, send it to my private Blackberry.” Jack stood up and put his black suit coat on. “I want it before you leave here today.” He started towards the office door. Melissa fell in behind him. For the millionth time she unconsciously responded to his will. It was magnetic and almost animal the way he seemed to walk the Earth as if he owned it. It wasn’t pompousness or swagger, but a deep rooted confidence forged to an incredibly strong will.
“Yes, sir”, said Melissa, “I’ll get right on it”.
“Thank you”, said Jack, as he walked towards the private elevator. “I have that quick meeting with the Snaresbrook people, then that technical demonstration in the R&D department, right?”
“Yes, sir”, said Melissa.
“Good”, said Jack, “I’ll see you in the morning”.
“Yes, sir. Goodnight”, she said.
In the elevator, Jack took out his cell phone and punched a number in from memory. It rang twice before a gruff voice answered, “Yeah”.
“I have a project for you”, said Jack. As the elevator descended past floor after floor, Jack gave orders and the gruff voice took notes and listened.

1 Three Days Later

Jill Somiq looked at the clock on her computer screen for probably the thousandth time that day. It said 4:12. Eighteen more minutes. Time was moving at a crawl. Although no one else knew it, this was Jill’s last day with Norris Corp and she wanted it over with now. She pretended to be working on a spreadsheet, putting in numbers at random, to pass the time. Jill had worked in the Accounting Department for a little over a year and would be glad to get out of what she called “cubicle slavery”. A bright woman of twenty-six, her current job was definitely not a challenge to someone who graduated with honors in Finance and an MBA. The only reason she had taken the job was for her real work; corporate espionage. A market trader had hired her to find useful insider information on Norris Corp and its numerous holding companies. “My client doesn’t want the combination to the board room safe”, the man that hired her said, “He just wants enough information to be able to take advantage of the market”. With those vague instructions and a toned down resume, Jill was hired on at Norris Corp where, she believed, she had successfully stayed beneath the radar while leaking out as much information as she could lay her hands on. Besides accounting information, she had managed to find juicy tidbits in every department at the corporate headquarters as well as a most of the holding companies. Tidbits that paid well. The past year had been highly profitable for her client and herself. She would collect final payment for the corporate earnings information tonight, then head to the Virgin Islands for a vacation before looking for a new assignment. She could almost smell the ocean and feel the sand.

Finally, the clock said 4:30. Jill shutdown her computer, picked up her briefcase and purse and fell in with everyone else heading home. She chatted with a few acquaintances in the elevator on the way to the parking level. Jill hadn’t made many friends at Norris Corp. It was best to be as unmemorable as possible in this business. No flashy clothes, unusual hobbies, or office romances. Be courteous and competent, but don’t be brilliant. Gain their trust but not their interest. Be a drone. God, it made her want to scream sometimes, but a quick look at her checking account and her investment portfolio was usually enough to keep her on task.

There was also the thrill. Jill often imagined what would happen if she were caught.

[Dragon's muse]

Just a quick note to let you know i've seen this and will get to it first thing in the morning.

rose

[Dragon's muse]

Very nice and worth the wait. Good building of tension throughout the piece and excellent characterization. I like Jack and Melissa and am already saying "boo hiss" at Jill.

Just a minor note -- next time if you could add a space between paragraphs it makes for an easier read. If it doesn't show up on the original post, you can always hit the edit button and add the spaces.

I did't make it each time, but punctuation goes inside the quotation marks.

Example: "Thank you," said Jack. rather than "Thank you", said Jack.

"I'll see you in the morning." instead of "I'll see you in the morning".

On to the nits. i'll get your next assignment posted today or tomorrow.

Ok, here is what I have so far, though it is not complete.

Thanks,

Jack drummed his fingers on the desk. The rigidity of his shoulders and jawline were the only indications of his inner turmoil. The intense whisper rasped through clenched teeth, "She cannot be allowed to get away with this”. Melissa, Jack’s executive assistant, visibly flinched. Normally, her boss was cool, calm, and collected (bit of a cliche here -- perhaps find a fresher way to say it.). In the three years she had held her position, this was the first time she had seen Jack angry. Truly, angry wasn’t the right word. Frosted was the best way to describe Jack’s emotional state. His nickname throughout the company was The Ice Man because, no matter how steep the odds or desperate the stakes, Jack remained nonplussed. Melissa couldn’t have been more surprised if Jack had picked up his chair and thrown it across the room. (You've used proper names quite a bit in this paragraph. There are only two of them in this scene, so he/she/him/her can be used to avoid over-repitition of names.)
She leaned over Jack’s shoulder to get a clearer view of what caused this unprecedented reaction. On the flat panel computer monitor in front of them (delete -- unnecessary)the screen was divided into four views. Each view streamed video surveillance footage from different locations of the building. The date/time stamp on each view showed the footage was from the previous Wednesday evening. (New paragraph here)The upper left hand corner showed a cubicle in the Accounting department. The angle was such that (delete)the viewer could plainly read the documents on the desk and whatever was presented on (delete) the computer monitor. Jack and Melissa saw exact figures and calculations for the company’s earnings for the last quarter; earnings that weren’t supposed to be made public for another two and half weeks when the Board made the announcement to the shareholders. The next showed a tall, red headed woman fidgeting in an elevator with something small in her hand. The third view showed the woman walking quickly and nervously towards a door marked Loading Dock C. The final image was from an outdoor security camera with a wide angle view of the loading dock. Out of a door steps the red headed woman and tosses a small, black object into the driver side window of a blue Toyota sedan parked about twenty feet from her. (You've switched to present tense in this -- stay consistent.) The woman watched the car drive quickly away then went back inside.
“So, Security found the leak you suspected”, said Melissa.
Somewhat calmer now, Jack nodded and leaned back in his chair, his brow furrowed beneath his dark brown hair. His piercing green eyes intently watched the security images loop on the screen. Melissa could still sense the anger; see it in the way he clenched his fist around a pen, his knuckles showing just a little too much white.
“I want her checked out, Melissa. Get the usual investigative agency to look into her background. While you’re in HR getting them her information, I want a copy of everything we have on her. Resume, application, benefits; everything. Be discreet. Make sure it looks like you were never there. Once you have it together, send it to my private Blackberry.” Jack stood up and put his black suit coat on. “I want it before you leave here today.” He started towards the office door. Melissa fell in behind him. New paragraph here. Switching from his verbal instructions to Melissa's thoughts.)For the millionth time she unconsciously responded to his will. It was magnetic and almost animal the way he seemed to walk the Earth as if he owned it. It wasn’t pompousness or swagger, but a deep rooted confidence forged to an incredibly strong will.
“Yes, sir”, said Melissa, “I’ll get right on it”.
“Thank you”, said Jack, as he walked towards the private elevator. “I have that quick meeting with the Snaresbrook people, then that technical demonstration in the R&D department, right?”
“Yes, sir”, said Melissa.
“Good”, said Jack, “I’ll see you in the morning”.
“Yes, sir. Goodnight”, she said.
In the elevator, Jack took out his cell phone and punched a number in from memory. It rang twice before a gruff voice answered, “Yeah”.
“I have a project for you”, said Jack. As the elevator descended past floor after floor, Jack gave orders and the gruff voice took notes and listened.

1 Three Days Later

Jill Somiq looked at the clock on her computer screen for probably the thousandth time that day. It said 4:12. Eighteen more minutes. Time was moving at a crawl. Although no one else knew it, this was Jill’s last day with Norris Corp and she wanted it over with (delete) now. She pretended to be working on a spreadsheet, putting in numbers at random, to pass the time. Jill had worked in the Accounting Department for a little over a year, and would be glad to get out of what she called “cubicle slavery”. A bright woman of twenty-six, her current job was definitely not a challenge to someone who graduated with honors in Finance and an MBA. The only reason she had taken the job was for her real work; (make this a dash or a colon) corporate espionage. A market trader had hired her to find useful insider information on Norris Corp and its numerous holding companies. (New paragraph here)“My client doesn’t want the combination to the board room safe”, the man that hired her said, “He just wants enough information to be able to take advantage of the market”. (new paragraph here)With those vague instructions and a toned down resume, Jill was hired on (delete) at Norris Corp where, she believed, she had successfully stayed beneath the radar while leaking out as much information as she could lay her hands on (another cliche -- if a phrase immediately leaps to your mind, it leaps to everyone's mind. Avoid cliches like the plague ). Besides accounting information, she had managed to find juicy tidbits in every department at the corporate headquarters, as well as a most of the holding companies. Tidbits that paid well. The past year had been highly profitable for her client and herself. She would collect final payment for the corporate earnings information tonight, then head to the Virgin Islands for a vacation before looking for a new assignment. She could almost smell the ocean and feel the sand.

Finally, the clock said 4:30. Jill shutdown her computer, picked up her briefcase and purse and fell in with everyone else heading home. She chatted with a few acquaintances in the elevator on the way to the parking level. Jill hadn’t made many friends at Norris Corp. It was best to be as unmemorable as possible in this business. No flashy clothes, unusual hobbies, or office romances. Be courteous and competent, but don’t be brilliant. Gain their trust but not their interest. Be a drone. God, it made her want to scream sometimes, but a quick look at her checking account and her investment portfolio was usually enough to keep her on task.

There was also the thrill. Jill often imagined what would happen if she were caught.

[Sir Priapus]

Thanks for the review. I've just scanned it, but will examine it in detail later, though I do understand your comment about avoiding cliches.

Thanks, again.

[H Dean]

Yes, avoid cliches like the plague.

[Mad Lews]

If you feel a deep unquenchable need for clinches use them in new and somewhat twisted ways, try for humor, shock, or irony. Best to avoid them completely but you know, "the best laid plans of manly mice rarely get you laid."