Finding that fine balance

[Jennifer Williams]

Thank you very much for that insight. Since I'm the sort of person who always speaks up and gets what I want, I can't really understand all too well the "I'm happy if you're happy" point of view. My biggest concern is that I feel lied to when he pretends to like something because he knows it's what I want, and I'm not sure if I'm taking that feeling too far or if I should let it go. Of course, all of this is over small, trite things as you said; he does speak up and say what he thinks whenever something truly important comes up. Eventually. With a pained expression.

Just really, for months and months I bought chocolate and vanilla ice cream because I thought he liked vanilla (haha, how funny it is to say that); turns out he was just eating it because he knows I like chocolate more- if he had just said something, I could have bought solid chocolate instead!

[openyoureyes]

Thank you very much for that insight. Since I'm the sort of person who always speaks up and gets what I want, I can't really understand all too well the "I'm happy if you're happy" point of view.

I've always been opinionated, and it's always been very important to me that my partner knows where my head is at. Although I can't be happy if my partner isn't happy, I can be miserable when my partner is happy. So this is why I try to always communicate my needs while still trying to compromise to meet theirs. However, this is hardest for me when we're in-session. If I'm on all fours and we're in the heat of the moment, he could ask me just about anything and I wouldn't want to ruin the moment if the truth wasn't sexy. We had issue with this once where I told him I liked something even though I didn't because I didn't want to ruin the moment, and another time when I got in trouble for not answering a question because the answer just wasn't sexy! He told me he wants the truth anyway, so I try, but it's much much harder in the middle of things than if he'd ask me afterward. Ok, I'm rambling, I'll shush.

My biggest concern is that I feel lied to when he pretends to like something because he knows it's what I want, and I'm not sure if I'm taking that feeling too far or if I should let it go.

This to me is the red flag. He is lying to you, thinking it makes you happy, but clearly it isn't making you happy. When you catch him in these situations, are you punishing him for misleading you? Do you think this might help him to learn to be honest, even when it might not please you? The way I see it, if you want to go for a walk and he doesn't, the worst that can happen if he tells you is that you make him go anyway. If instead of telling you something you don't want to hear, he just does want you want, it's the same result - he still goes for a walk even though his feet hurt. Maybe if you put it to him like this, he'd be more apt to tell you the truth?

Just really, for months and months I bought chocolate and vanilla ice cream because I thought he liked vanilla (haha, how funny it is to say that); turns out he was just eating it because he knows I like chocolate more- if he had just said something, I could have bought solid chocolate instead!

Ok, I have done this before, lol. If it's something I really don't care that much about, sometimes I'll just 'lump it' as it's something that isn't hurting me and isn't a big deal. Now, if he specifically asks me about it, I wouldn't lie. But it's also not something I'd bring up as an issue, either.