what was the hardest part...

[bip0lar]

heh. i think the hardest part wasn't discovering it--it wasn't even admitting it, really. the hardest part is the "what now" part. there's times when i actually feel two sides inside of me battling, the 'submissive side' and what i like to call 'the side of logic'. one is based completely on my own assumptions and connotations, the other is based on what assumptions i have about what is viewed as being an objectively 'normal' reaction and what isn't. [pff i don't know if this makes sense, but i'm trying hard here]
however, i'm not sure if submission for me is the final result, but this struggle i referred to, one side battling another--and every time the submissive side wins, at least in a D/s context. Therefore, the difficult part of it is actually submission itself, for me, personally, allowing myself to go through the battle, every time, and discovering new things about me that other times shocked and other times reassured me.
i'm not really afraid of what my Dom--or, indeed, any Dom might do to me. What really scares me is what else my own mind will come up with to make me stumble and reflect and wonder about who i am and what my purpose in this life is etc. etc. etc... Right now the biggest difficulty is finding out [and, to be completely honest trying to manage] how _big_ a part submission pays in my life. I started out thinking of it as a sexual thing, i mean, some rougher kinky sex, but the more i think and the more i feel, the more it comes out that i need it to be a bigger part of me as a being.
[because i read it and re-read it, and then read it some more, i do believe that the last part i poured my thoughts over was really trying to say is that up until now i thought of my submission as being a role. now i'm discovering it's part of my identity. and yes, that terrifies me]

i'll shush now.

[Ladymad]

there's times when i actually feel two sides inside of me battling, the 'submissive side' and what i like to call 'the side of logic'.

I posted my fear immediately, before reading any responses, simply because I thought I knew what my biggest fear was. After reading through the posts, this sentence hit home for me.



My biggest struggle in submission is having my radically left-wing, uber-feminist self try to justify why she wants to serve a man.