What is BDSM?

[Veridical]

(Disclaimer; this is going to be a long, long post. And it is full of my personal opinions and ideas, as well as findings through research.)

A question that will constantly have a myriad of answers because the individuals answering answer with their own perspective.

Thanks for posting this, damyanti. This is another one of those questions that I've spent a lot of time trying to find a 'correct' answer for, when in fact, the only 'correct' answer is what you feel is correct.

To me there is one more category missing from your list. Submissive, subordinate, and slave. Submissive and slave go hand in hand with one another on some level. Unless the slave is completely unwilling. Submissive is the Nature of the person, and slave is the position of the person, in a relationship. Subordinate and submissive sometimes go hand in hand, but not nearly as often. And Subordinate and slave are kind of the same thing, but not entirely.

Now, let me define the terms as I see them.

Slave;
1 : A person held in servitude as the chattel of another.
2 : One that is completely subservient to a dominating influence.

Submissive;
1 : To submit.
Submit;
1 a: To yield oneself to the authority or will of another. : surrender b: To permit oneself to be subjected to something.

Subordinate
1: Placed in or occupying a lower class, rank, or position. : inferior
2: Submissive to or controlled by authority.



Now, all of these seem to go hand in hand at some point or another. To be submissive one must first yield to submit. To be a Subordinate one is placed under authority of another individual. To be a slave one is completely subservient. But there IS a difference. Wanna know what it is?

Choice.

In this lifestyle, one chooses which of the three they wish to be. You chose to be submissive, subordinate, or slave to your Master/Owner. Sometimes you choose two, sometimes you choose one, sometimes you choose to be all three. Your choice as a submissive/subordinate/slave dictates the kind of play you do. After all, any Master worth their salt will not force you to do something you don't feel comfortable doing, unless you specifically say you want to do it regardless of how you feel because it is something you've wanted to try.

If you have no limits except those which your Master places, then you are a slave.

If you have set limits that you do not want to cross, you are a submissive.

If you have set limits but leave them to your Master's discretion, as in, you will consider crossing them after much preparation, you are a Subordinate.

BDSM for me can be broken down into these three fundamental categories of what the bottom can choose to be. These fundamental categories shape us as individuals, and lets the Top know where our lines are. I wouldn't suggest anyone new to the lifestyle to be a slave, just as I wouldn't suggest anyone with self-esteem issues to subject themselves to severe verbal degradation. It can cause severe harm, and be not pleasurable for the bottom, and not pleasurable for the top.

There is also the physical aspect of what defines BDSM. Spanking, plain and pleasure intertwined, slapping, restraining, etc. But most people even remotely curious about BDSM understand these aspects of it. Then that bears the question of what if a person is mentally a slave, but physically their body cannot handle the amount of pain the top wishes to inflict upon it.

Therein lies what defines the differences between Tops. There are no pretty words, except maybe Sadist and Dominant, but there are a myriad of different categories a Top can be placed in. I'll touch base on three fundamentals.

Physical
Physical Tops prefer to inflict their dominance on a bottom through physical means. Whips, physical restraints, and other things that impose upon the corporeal body are what gets a Physical Top off. The mental aspects one feels with this kind of Top is a direct result of the physical dictation of his/her actions. They may enjoy a bit of mental BDSM, but not nearly as much as they enjoy beating your ass.

Mental
Mental tops are not physical beings. They restrain you by telling you to stay still. They prefer to get into their bottoms' head, and wreak havoc on their psyche rather than on their body. Nothing gets a mental top off more than to see their bottom fall right into their trap. Mental tops tell you to masturbate to the point of orgasm, and then stop, never going over that edge till they are satisfied you have been tortured enough. These kind of tops don't usually inflict physical pain, but prefer mental restraints on behavior.

Verbal
Verbal tops are all about letting you know your place, and that it's lower than them. Verbal tops are insanely different than Mental and Physical, and more rare, because most people find verbal BDSM to be akin to verbal abuse more so than the other two. Verbal tops degrade you, debase you, and batter at your self-esteem with harsh words that are usually untrue. If you, as a bottom, don't see that their words are simply used in place of a whip or rope, then you will fall prey to the downward spiral of self-esteem. Verbal tops are the ones that have to, in my opinion, be the most careful, because physical pain heals over time. Harsh words from a lover that strike home a little too much take a lot longer to heal.

These three base categories are generally incorporated into each other(IE; A top has a submissive tied down with a vibe in her cunt, telling her not to cum and telling her that she's a dirty, filthy whore for enjoying this). Most times, because of how complex a creature we are, tops will incorporate all three of the fundamentals into a scene. Generally speaking a top gets off, though, on one of the three. He/she may enjoy all three, but there's the one aspect that gets them going more than others. Like bottoms, it's up to the top to choose which of the raw categories he/she is.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is my buck fifty. I enjoyed writing it for you, and I hope you enjoy reading it, even if it is fairly long winded.

[damyanti]

In this lifestyle, one chooses which of the three they wish to be. You chose to be submissive, subordinate, or slave to your Master/Owner. Sometimes you choose two, sometimes you choose one, sometimes you choose to be all three. Your choice as a submissive/subordinate/slave dictates the kind of play you do. After all, any Master worth their salt will not force you to do something you don't feel comfortable doing, unless you specifically say you want to do it regardless of how you feel because it is something you've wanted to try.

I think its more along the line of finding the right fit, the right balance and enjoying the journey getting there and the exploration of it. Do we really choose what to be? (Yes, we choose our Dominant partner and whether or not to submit...and in what way and how...but thats not what I am talking about.) I don't quite "get" subordinate, so maybe we choose that...but submissive/slave...do we choose that anymore than we choose to be heterosexual/homosexual? And where do switches fit in?

just rambling

p.s. I love long posts

[Veridical]

I think its more along the line of finding the right fit, the right balance and enjoying the journey getting there and the exploration of it. Do we really choose what to be? (Yes, we choose our Dominant partner and whether or not to submit...and in what way and how...but thats not what I am talking about.) I don't quite "get" subordinate, so maybe we choose that...but submissive/slave...do we choose that anymore than we choose to be heterosexual/homosexual? And where do switches fit in?

just rambling

p.s. I love long posts

I was more so meaning the choice between which term you wish to use to refer to yourself. If your nature is to be a slave, then you will no more be able to change that than change the weather. If you deny it for too long it becomes an aching hunger than burns with the fury of one thousand suns.

Switches are a variable between the slave/submissive/subordinate and the Physical/Mental/Verbal. They are still fundamentally based on these categories, but they utilize more of them then the average bear. Again, a switch chooses which category to refer to themselves as, and the basic principle behind my initial post is still valid even for them. ;D

The choice of which term we use to define ourselves as a bottom or as a top will determine how others of the opposite end of the equation will view us. That's why we must take care to choose the truthful one, as oppose to the one we want to be true.

[Dom Teacher]

I don't quite "get" subordinate, so maybe we choose that...but submissive/slave...do we choose that anymore than we choose to be heterosexual/homosexual? And where do switches fit in?
COLOR][/B]

You bring up a great question of essentialism (W/e are what W/e are because W/e are... sumus ergo sumus) and constructivism (W/e are what we desire to become).

Are you submissive because you are by nature, or by choice? Am I Dominant because that is who I am or because that is how I have constructed myself through my experiences?

In the nature v. nurture debate, which is really what this is, both extremes are naive, in My view. But the middle of the fence is naive and fallicious, too. No one comes into the world desiring the aspects of the lifestyle, but they do scratch that itch inside of U/s that evades description.