A dangerous relationship?

[DowntownAmber]

rope_monkey: I stand by my original post in regards to what I think. When your vanilla partner finds out, if she is upset and this damages or ends your relationship, was it worth it? No judgement calls, simply which means the most to you?

If you do really feel that the online relationship you are having enhances your vanilla relationship, dig deep as to why that is and explore that. The answers you find will tell you a lot about yourself and the relationship. Are you playing online because it fills a gap that is lacking in your vanilla union? If so, what will you do when the online play ceases? Is it something you're doing online only and not bringing into your r/l relationship because you're embarrassed or afraid to? What can you do to overcome those fears?

There are so many facets to this that remain unanswered, and they're questions well worth digging into.

manda: If you were offended by anything I commented on or asked questions about, I feel bad as that was not my intent. I will always ask questions and comment, as I feel that is the point of this forum, but I certainly am not out and about calling names or trying to damage other people's feelings. For future reference (and please don't take this the wrong way), I simply don't care enough or know enough about other people's lives here to really bother making judgement calls on them. I do, however, enjoy a good discussion.

MacGuffin: Common sense, my friend. I find it is being disregarded in your responses to me. You accuse me of being unreasonable because something I said may or may not have hurt manda's feelings "a little" when the point of my post was to ask how the situation was being handled as so not to hurt other's feelings. Clearly I'm not a fan of feelings being hurt. So, why would I be out to stomp on manda's?

As for what people consider "need to know?" You're right, we could go through the "shades" of that all day but, again, impart a little common sense. In my relationship if I stared at the waiter's ass during lunch, I might not rush home and tell my boyfriend (as I really don't think he cares what the waiter's ass looks like) but if we were to be at the same restaurant together later it certainly wouldn't cause me embarrassment or shame to point out, "hey! We have the waiter with the cute ass. I started at him all through lunch the other day." He'd laugh, as we have discussed what we find sexy and attractive in other people before. On the other hand, I think a line would be crossed for us if I blurted out, "hey, we have the waiter I fucked on his smoke break last week!" The point is, work out your "shades of indiscretion" with your partner. Nitpicking semantics is something that defeats the spirit of the law entirely, disrespects one's partner and reduces the relationship down to who can make the most clever argument. Most of us learned didn't really work in about the fourth grade. "But mom! You said I couldn't walk home with Jimmy after school and play! I didn't "walk" home with him, we ran!" Uh huh.

Same common sense rule applies with lies by omission. If you know enough to know that what you're doing will likely hurt your partner and you don't want to say anything about it as a result, you probably came to that conclusion based on either spoken or implied rules of conduct for your relationship. By being in the relationship to begin with, you are implying consent to those rules of engagement, and breaking them and not saying anything is decietful whether you're asked directly or not. Again, this is something that I would hope we all gave up on trying to be clever in regards to back in the fourth grade. "But Mom, I DIDN'T break the lamp! And I didn't lie! You didn't asked if the baseball I threw in the house broke the lamp!" Uh huh.

[Ragoczy]

Ragoczy - If they would, then you're undertaking an act that has the potential to harm someone you ostensibly care about and who is trusting you not to hurt them. And I'd argue, that if you're willing to risk hurting them for your own gratification, then that's not really caring about them very much............If someone believes in fidelity and you've led them to think that's what they have from you, the pain and impact of betraying that is something that will last the rest of their lives and will color every future relationship they have.
I appreciate the possible hurt to manda's partner has been considered but let's also consider the possible hurt to manda's feelings by what was very close to accusing her of cheating and hurting her partner. I do not think it was right to criticise a member's private relationships in such a manner. This prompted my post.

I count seven qualifiers in my post that provide for the implied criticism to be inapplicable.

Regardless, if (qualifier) someone is undertaking action which would cause harm to their partner and if (qualifier) their partner is trusting them to not do so and if (qualifier) the do so anyway with that knowledge, then I hope (unqualified) they get their feelings hurt -- repeatedly and at length.

I trust people, including manda, are intelligent enough to see the difference.

[Ragoczy]

Thank goodness he's aware of that! Imagine this scenario, Person A has your view, that cheating is only a slight hurt and we're incompatible if Person B has a problem with it and walks out the door. Person B has my view, and finds that Person A has dipped his stick outside Person B's consent. Do you see where this leads?? Person A isn't going to end up being better off thinking Person B being gone is a good riddance because "we were incompatible and he/she would end up walking out at some point anyway". Person A would be dead and Person B would be in jail. (Yes, I understand that if Rago ever did cheat on me and I killed him that I'd spend the rest of my life in jail, I'm not stupid, just a little on the extreme side.)

And my kitten's penchant for violence aside, this is a very real scenario.

Infidelity is one of the leading causes of sudden domestic violence (meaning where no history of violence exists in the relationship). I've personally observed groups (chats and forums, not here) where the attitude was: it's okay, you need to be happy, don't worry about that other person, just yourself.

That attitude exists because, in those communities, a large portion of the members are engaged in online activities without their partner's knowledge.

Now, we know from news reports that violence has been committed when one partner discovers the other is having an online affair. So I wonder how culpable the cheating partner's online "friends" really are in that outcome? If you encourage someone to do something that could get them hurt, are you at all responsible for the results?

[Torq]

OK, Folks Again,,SECOND NOTICE,, There will not be a Third

This thread is going to far south,,Remember,,

OPINIONS are to be about the TOPIC!!!!!!!!

Final Warning!!!!!

Be Well

T

[blondelass]

Does anyone here believe you can explore one side of your sexuality online without it being an affront to the sexuality of your r/l partner?


All the way back to the original question (with hopes of staying on topic). Rope monkey I have been exploring they wilder side of my sexuality OL with a very close friend. No I do not believe this is an affront to my rl partner in any way -it actually enhances our relationship. My OL friend and I often discuss more than just sexual play --which adds to many of my rl conversations. My rl partner knows I'm online and that I have friends (as does he when he goes to the local bar) but no I do not give the details of my ol play, because it is just that - play, never will it be taken to a real life meeting (yes my OL friend knows this). My friendship with my OL partner is very dear to me. My rl partner and I have been together many years and we trust each other to know the limits of what is expected - I feel I have kept within these limits. I think previous posts have gotten off topic with what constitutes cheating -truthfully I think this is a very personal thought and is different for many people - there are probably as many different view points as people answering--its a deeply personal decision you will have to make. There are many sites on whether cyber sex is cheating --and you will get both points of view- if that IS part of your question -I suggest maybe reading up on it will give you a more impartial answer.