And I used to be such a nice guy...

[Teufel]

Thanks for this thread. There are more of us "Nice Guys" who respect woman out there than you think. I have struggled with the same issues for a very long time and still do. However there were a few real life experiences that gave me some clarity, and provided me with invaluable insight into my own psyche. I am into rough Force Play, and the thought of actually putting someone through the emotional trauma and life long damage of a real, not play, act of rape would destroy me. There have been a few times when my partners didn't use the agreed upon safe words when they should have. One of those times ended that part of our relationship for a very long time, and ultimately lead to the end of the relationship. It was sad really, because the reason they didn't stop the play when they should have was because they feared I would be angry, wouldn't want to be with them, or would judge them as "weak". The exact thing they feared happening, happened because I couldn't trust them anymore. I have no desire to play with someone who runs the risk of the play becoming real. A sub puts total trust in the Dom's hands, but the Dom also puts trust into the sub. During play it can be very hard to tell the difference between play and reality, and crossing the line can have disastrous and long lasting consequences. With a new sub I am always checking on them, making sure they are ok with what is happening. In the moment this can be very inconvenient, break the fantasy, and ruin the mood (especially with an experienced sub), but is also absolutely necessary for me now due to these few past experiences. There are acts I will not perform unless I absolutely trust the sub I am performing them with, have lots of experience with them (sometimes years), have researched it, and finally discussed it over and over with them.
Real rapists don't care about their victims in the moment. They care for nothing but their own pleasure. They may (and I stress the "may" here) feel guilt and remorse later, but real rapists don't suddenly stop a the height of their own pleasure when a safe word is spoken, untie their victims and make sure they are alright.

We touched upon the subject of power exchange in a round about way during my "Marriage and Intimacy" class I took at my local state university at the beginning of the summer. Apparently, at least according to the research cited in the class, Peer and Near Peer marriages, in which both partners have an equal partnership of duties, responsibility and power, often have a common problem they called the "best friend" syndrome in which the partners become such good friends they lost sexual attraction for one another. Interestingly, the Peer and Near peer marriages that avoided this problem took active steps in the bed room to "spice" things up, and one of the "spices" cited was power exchange. Traditional marriages did not seem to have this as a common problem, and one theory was that an integral power exchange already exists in a Traditional marriage where the man has "veto" power as they put it. Society can be very hypocritical when they view us "deviants", but at least sociology is starting to come around.

As far as the powerful woman vs. the meek woman goes, I have been in relationships with both. I have found that for me, the meek woman who wanted to fulfill my every desire seemed like a great catch in my younger days. Who wouldn't want a woman that would do anything at any time just to please you? Me for one. It got boring real fast. They became carbon copies of me and integrated themselves into my life so fast I quickly couldn't determine where my life ended and theirs began. On the other hand a woman who knows what she wants, knows how to get it, and won't be pushed aside by my dominant personality is a complete turn on. For me, if I am the only personality in a relationship, then the responsibility for that relationship falls solely upon me. That's a big responsibility and provides no comfort in times of stress and hardship, but the hollow "whatever you think is best." Personally I much prefer the woman with her own opinion who I know will stand by me and lends her strength to mine during hardship.

[thir]

We touched upon the subject of power exchange in a round about way during my "Marriage and Intimacy" class I took at my local state university at the beginning of the summer. Apparently, at least according to the research cited in the class, Peer and Near Peer marriages, in which both partners have an equal partnership of duties, responsibility and power, often have a common problem they called the "best friend" syndrome in which the partners become such good friends they lost sexual attraction for one another. Interestingly, the Peer and Near peer marriages that avoided this problem took active steps in the bed room to "spice" things up, and one of the "spices" cited was power exchange. Traditional marriages did not seem to have this as a common problem, and one theory was that an integral power exchange already exists in a Traditional marriage where the man has "veto" power as they put it. Society can be very hypocritical when they view us "deviants", but at least sociology is starting to come around.

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Hi.

I wonder where you get the impression that 'traditional' marriages do not have this problem? Can you explain? I can imagine that maybe traditional marriages do not seem to have the problem because maybe they do not get divorced or they do not get councelling, so any problems they may have do not 'show up' so to speak.

This sounds to me as another twist of the reasoning that domination is natural and male domination is extra natural - all part of what I see as a wish to somehow explain/excuse/get permission for the things we do in BDSM.

I do not believe that peer realationships are boring - I have not found it so, by which I mean the relationships I had before I became aware of my BDSM side. I also have not seen signs of this tendency in my sorroundings, and I suspect that part of this idea comes from cultural norms. I live in England now but have lived most of my life in Denmark where I think gender roles are rather equal, at least compared to what I see here in Yorkshire, and never saw any signs of this 'best friend' syndrome.