theladystouch Fourth Level 2 Assignment

[theladystouch]

Thanks for taking the time to go over this, Nikita. I appreciate it. You made some really good points, and did it so gently, too.

One thing...you mention my repetition. That was intentional. An attempt to indicate the stress/duress Steve is under. Either I didn't provide enough backstory, or else I didn't adequately convey his state of mind. Can you tell which?

I'm going to play with this some more, and I'm sure others will weigh in when they get a chance (I seem to be an irresitible target for H Dean) .

Again, thank you so much for your critique. It helps, and I appreciate it.

Be well.

[Nikita]

Thanks for taking the time to go over this, Nikita. I appreciate it. You made some really good points, and did it so gently, too.

One thing...you mention my repetition. That was intentional. An attempt to indicate the stress/duress Steve is under. Either I didn't provide enough backstory, or else I didn't adequately convey his state of mind. Can you tell which?

I'm going to play with this some more, and I'm sure others will weigh in when they get a chance (I seem to be an irresitible target for H Dean) .

Again, thank you so much for your critique. It helps, and I appreciate it.

Be well.

You are most welcome.

You were quite skillful in showing that he was under stress/duress. The drama/tension increased as the tale went on. A writer has to give the reader credit for getting the message the first time. Any more than that and ... it's like hitting them over the head with a hammer.

The most glaring issue here was the transition scene. If anything, I'd like to see that posted, the transition scene with the paragraph before and after it.

[theladystouch]

Will do. It certainly was a glaring oversight, and I'll gladly post the correction...also, thank you for the perspective. Easiest way to lose a reader is to assume they are dumb. Duly noted. I'll get rid of the repetition.

So, here's the edited transition...


Steve turned his back on the van and his captors. Orienting himself, he recognized Fran’s dormitory. As he headed for the left-hand corner of the building, he reflected on the irony of the warm, sunny day. Such a beautiful day—and he was going to lose both his sister and his freedom. Squaring his shoulders and pasting a smile on his face, he rounded the corner.

She was waiting for him. Wearing jeans and a pink T-shirt, Fran paced back and forth in front of the dorm entrance. Impatiently, she checked her watch, then jerked her cell phone out of her pocket and began dialing.

A pang of remorse struck him at the thought of the lies he must tell. In the years since their parents had died, he had never once lied to her. Stepping firmly on his conscience, Steve began his performance. “Hi, Sis.”

Fran turned around and ran to him, wrapping her arms around his waist. “I was so worried, Steve. Where have you been? I ran to get help, but when I returned, you were gone. I’ve been calling your cell phone all night.”