Another one for Razor7826

[Razor7826]

I'm curious as to what you think about the 'report' part. I had difficulty making it interesting.

I like how the second part turned out, but it probably could have been more descriptive.

[Mad Lews]

I'm curious as to what you think about the 'report' part. I had difficulty making it interesting.

I like how the second part turned out, but it probably could have been more descriptive.

Razor,
You've nailed the problem with the piece, the report section is too long and dry.
the second part is great but needs to be expanded, you might want to start at the real begining.
My suggestion would be turn the report into something more narrative; the investigator giving a verbal summation to his superior, that should tighten it up, eliminate the clutter, and make it more interesting. BTW if you can't say 7/11 just say convenience store.

Next you might want to go further back, to the rape or even before. Show us something evil and graphic. We want to hear some emotion when the sister tells her brother what happened. We want to understand his rage and feel it turning to cold hard anger. Walk us through the joint plotting and finally the execution from 'the suspects' point of view. Give the reader the satisfaction of revenge.

Now if you wanted to spend the time and effort you could do all this through the eyes of the investigator as he uncovers the facts and motives. It wouldn't be so linear and he would be piecing parts together bit by bit for the reader. (This could turn into quite a writing project.) Finally he understands what happened and he weighs the need for justice against the law. He makes his moral choice. That way when you redo the begining (which needs to be shorter) we know what really happened, we know he knows what happened, and we know he has decided their cause was just; He's going to let them get away with it. Now that would make for a great twist.