Obnoxious Housemate 3 - Psychology

[Clevernick]

Thanks for the feedback and the claim of greatness!

[QUOTE=Satan_Klaus;305574]Hello Clevernick,

First:Sometimes I get the feeling that you are compulsively trying to keep the story "safe sane and consensual". Like replacing 'Jesus' with a plug.
Well blackmail and solar-plexus punching are not SSC-certified.
It is good if your 'hero' has some code of personal ethics he abides by.

Good comment, but not quite how I see it. I don't consider the limitations I place on my hero in this part to be ethical ones, or attempts at consensuality. He's not being ethical, he's being practical. The code in this part is simply "what can I get away with, without causing anyone physical damage, or leaving obvious evidence for the police?". In a more foresighted sense, he's hoping Lynn will, by that evening, come to him on her own, rather than taking her injured ass to the hospital or police station, or finding 3 large boyfriends to come back with her to beat him up. For practical reasons, damage is not permitted, and part of the game is convincing Lynn that she has consented, whether in fact she has or not.

You must find a standard of honor that is not too limiting for your story but not too broad to violate your own good taste and then stick to it.

To my mind, that's just what I've done. I couldn't have said it any better.

The second thing that bugged me was Lynn having an ugly face. I'm somewhat ambivalent about this. It's something of an turnoff but on the other hand real people are not porn stars.

Lynn isn't ugly. She's graceless, and with an unattractive mouth. You could actually say the same for many porn stars, and it doesn't seem to limit their success.

The third thing that I thought about is this: 'S' seems so well prepared, regarding not only his equipment but also mentally that he must have planned this in advance. Normal people don't just pull off something like this without blinking with an eye. They need serious planning to bolster their resolve.

Yep, that's a serious flaw all right. Yes, you are 100% right. He has the benefit of my having thought about it far too long. I guess that's what happens when I try to represent a fantasy as reality. I haven't even earned the suspension of disbelief that comes in a musical film, where everyone spontaneously starts singing and dancing, without interrupting the story line. I'll have to put this one down to artistic license.

Looking back at this, I could have done it better -- I could have found some way to show he'd been plotting such a conquest for ages beforehand, but that would require Lynn to have had a habit of shower-pounding. And she didn't, it was a one-time thing. So without being flip, I really can't think of a good way to fix it.

Fourth: The first chapter is in the present while in the second part you switch to past tense. I think this is illegally switching narrative time (beginning in the past and moving on into the present would fix it)

Yes. I found the present tense awkward so I dropped it after the first chapter. I knew it, but you're the first to comment on it. If and when I ever collect this and publish it, I'll either make that consistent, or rearrange the chapters into story and flashback, if it works better.

Fifth: "I guess she’d had only nice experiences with bondage so far." from the lower half of chapter two. She is a devout conservative christian, I would think that her only experience in bodage so far would be with 'S'.
(and not that nice...)

It was a little joke to myself. I was referring to her previous experience with S. I guess it wasn't funny, so I'll probably take it out.

A wiser man than me once said that love and hate are both attracting emotions. We are invariably fascinated by what we hate and so it is quite understandably that once he has silenced her, practically eliminating the initial reason why he hates, the fascination remains.

Very wise and I agree.

If you like, I will continue commenting on your story while i read further chapters.

Yes, please do!

P.S. I also liked the mindfuck aspect of making Lynn THINK she had a Jesus statuette up her ass. That in itself was appealing, almost as much as the practical outcome of not tearing her ass to ribbons.

[Satan_Klaus]

Good comment, but not quite how I see it. I don't consider the limitations I place on my hero in this part to be ethical ones, or attempts at consensuality. He's not being ethical, he's being practical.

At least later, (chapter3) he seems to have serious moral issues.

I guess the situation could be defused by using less force in the beginning. He is probably a lot stronger than Lyn and could overpower her without beating her up.

Lynn isn't ugly. She's graceless, and with an unattractive mouth. You could actually say the same for many porn stars, and it doesn't seem to limit their success.

Excerpt Chapter1: "...as ugly as her face and soul were..."

Keep in mind that as the Author you can imagine your charaters much better than your readers. Not everything will come across as you intend it.

Looking back at this, I could have done it better -- I could have found some way to show he'd been plotting such a conquest for ages beforehand, but that would require Lynn to have had a habit of shower-pounding. And she didn't, it was a one-time thing. So without being flip, I really can't think of a good way to fix it.

Well he didn't have to plan everything meticulously. Just the firm intention to do something about the 'Lynn situation' is enough. He may have thought of blackmail as a good way to get at this Uberchristian bitch.

Maybe he even had doubts if he could carry it through but that angry moment in the bathroom made his descision.

P.S. I also liked the mindfuck aspect of making Lynn THINK she had a Jesus statuette up her ass.

I'd like to think that not all Jesus statuettes are unusable as sex toys. Of course the crown of thorns might hurt a little and once you get to the cross bar, things get REEEAAALY ugly.

Seriously, though when I read read your story I was thinking of one where he was depicted standing with his hands folded in front of him. Those might not be entirely sex toy certified but safe enough.

I just loved the imagery of shoving Jesus up her ass and somehow felt cheated...

Satan_Klaus

PS: On an blasphemous afterthought, Mother Mary could be quite suitable as a sex toy; the head of baby Jesus provides the little 'bump' that the ladies just love!

[Clevernick]

I guess the situation could be defused by using less force in the beginning. He is probably a lot stronger than Lyn and could overpower her without beating her up.

Funny I never considered that possibility. Possibly because it's not true in my memory. Lynn's a healthy girl who keeps in shape. S is a skinny guy who doesn't. The element of surprise would be needed, or he might well get his balls handed to him.

Excerpt Chapter1: "...as ugly as her face and soul were..."

Keep in mind that as the Author you can imagine your charaters much better than your readers. Not everything will come across as you intend it.

Good point! Keep in mind though not to take feelings and judgements literally. S is telling chapter 1 in present tense. To him, at that moment, she's the God Squad slobby intolerable tormenting housemate who is making him miserable. He will magnify her unattractive mouth into ugliness.

Later on when she's silent and compliant, he is less critical of her looks, and she's really not all that bad. Not "America's Next Model" material, but ok. And by chapter 3 he's no longer talking about putting a bag over her head.

Well he didn't have to plan everything meticulously. Just the firm intention to do something about the 'Lynn situation' is enough. He may have thought of blackmail as a good way to get at this Uberchristian bitch.

Maybe he even had doubts if he could carry it through but that angry moment in the bathroom made his descision.

Yes, that might well work.

I just loved the imagery of shoving Jesus up her ass and somehow felt cheated...

Well, with the way she's been getting used and stretched over the course of the story, she may end up using Jesus that way herself by the end! You may yet get your wish.