what was the hardest part...

[lucky#13]

The hardest thing about submission for me was the trust to believe someome actually wanted me .. needed me.. to trust he wasnt going to leave me... many Close people in my life have left me for one reason or another.. in my vanilla life i am often described as cold hearted and having no feelings.. this is b/c i have numbed myself to pain.. but when i became HIS.. i had no choice but to open up to him, to trust him with how i felt.. to ask him for help.. to learn that he WANTS me to be needy to depend on him.. i wont lie it is nice to give up control.. but the more control i give him the more it scares the hell out of me, he may leave me.. i tried to run away from him a couple of times (so to speak).. telling him he deserved better, i was too much to deal with, etc... he always would write back telling me he knew what i was trying to do and that i was only hurting myself.. he actually made a comment the other day that i was "almost half as needy as he wants me to be" lol ... it made me wet knowing i had been improving and therefore pleasing him but at the sametime in the back of my head i am thinking ... MORE NEEDY i dont think i can get any needier lol... and then on top of all this i too have issues with my body.. Master knows i do and tells me i am beautiful and gorgeous but i dont believe it.. i actually got punished once b/c he gave me a compliment and i said oh Master you dont mean that... he said i will learn to take and appreciate a genuine compliment and my nipples would serve as a reminder to that... nonetheless they were a lil sore after that incident... so anyways for me the hardest part of submitting was trusting my Master with my feelings and that he wont leave or hurt me once i do.

[shayna{L_D}]

so anyways for me the hardest part of submitting was trusting my Master with my feelings and that he wont leave or hurt me once i do.

i am going to have to agree with you on this one, i have the same problem. I have pushed him away (or at least tried) so many times, saying the same thing you did, such as "you deserve better" and "you cant handle me, its better if we just stop". But i guess we will always feel this way until its plainly clear that they wont leave, and we should stop pushing them away bc in the end, would we really want them to go?