A is for Aftercare

[learningtopleez]

Being held, and kissed, and cuddled after an intense scene is something every Dom should know! Of course that's just what I prefer!

I'm sure it's quite different for every sub, or for every couple, but aftercare is a must, no matter what type of aftercare you choose.

Thanks maddie for this thread!

[ropenhighheels]

Being held, and kissed, and cuddled after an intense scene is something every Dom should know! Of course that's just what I prefer!

I'm sure it's quite different for every sub, or for every couple, but aftercare is a must, no matter what type of aftercare you choose.

Thanks maddie for this thread!

Of course it is a MUST beautiful! We've already talked about that now haven't we??

[Echoes]

Thank you maddie and everyone who has contributed with their perspectives and views. It has helped me to understand a bit more (after I posted initial post in the wrong section!) at least I managed to hit the right forum

[Wolven_Vixen]

I'm very much a newbie here and try to read what I can when I have time. I have to say...I had no idea that something like subdrop could occur, nor did I understand sub space until I experienced it... I see how important the aftercare is and it means a lot to know that the people on this board address it as such.

So from a newbie sub seeking knowledge...Thank you!

[smilie]

I am also new here adn had experianced subdrop before i knew what it was, I was almost out of my mind with everything that was going on in my head and I didn't know why it was happening ,Thankfully my master is a very cuddly type to start with( i know Master and Cuddly don't seem to fit) so he was able to help me back Thank you for all the Information in these threads to a newbie it is a great thing!

[Mishka]

Did your Dom/me, perhaps in the beginning, have trouble connecting to your needs afterwards? Trouble comforting? Perhaps, not in tune with how vulnerable you might be feeling? I don't mean ignore, or not bother. I mean their attempts to comfort just were perhaps distracted, you did not feel their empathy.

How did you, S/He work through it?

[Akuma-san]

Speaking from the Dom side I take great pride in my aftercare. I have a policy to never break the skin. Blood is a turn off for me so I tell that straight to a sub. After a session I will pamper my sub to the 100th degree.

I will give her a warm flower oil full body message. Warm River rocks on muscles that are sore. After the rub down I give her a long hot bath with flower petals in the water and relaxation candles burning. Then wrap her in a silk robe and cuddle for hours as we talk about it. I keep the lights off and only use candle light. After a blindfold normal lights are harsh. Then the next day I will look her over to make sure she is ok another message and long bath. Then I will dress her normally in her favorite clothes. We then go out and I will treat her to ice cream (her favorite thing on earth.)

That is my normal aftercare session.

[suchaminx]

Akuma-san - yours words made me float away in fantasy - what a lucky lady

~smiles~

minxy

[cadence]

Being oline only, I had never even considered that sub drop could occur. After care is just as important in this aspect as well, and even more so I believe.
After having a particularly bad episode of as of late, I came across a thread elsewhere on sub drop and how to manage it.

I am usually left on my own to deal with it, and sometimes have a difficult time trying to focus and get motivated to bring myself out of that funk.
While I have read a few things on aftercare, I have not been able to find much pertaining to an online perspective.

I am wondering how others who do share online relationships, deal with aftercare, and how do you deal with it when it crops up much later on.
Sometimes in an online situation, you cannot always be accessible to the other person.

I know that exercise is a good way to shake off any mood swings you feel and a good way to keep your mind focused. I try to excercise and eat well as much as I can, but my job takes up more than 70% of my day, and that makes it more difficult trying to control that sub drop.

[lilsubangel]

Speaking from the Dom side I take great pride in my aftercare. I have a policy to never break the skin. Blood is a turn off for me so I tell that straight to a sub. After a session I will pamper my sub to the 100th degree.

I will give her a warm flower oil full body message. Warm River rocks on muscles that are sore. After the rub down I give her a long hot bath with flower petals in the water and relaxation candles burning. Then wrap her in a silk robe and cuddle for hours as we talk about it. I keep the lights off and only use candle light. After a blindfold normal lights are harsh. Then the next day I will look her over to make sure she is ok another message and long bath. Then I will dress her normally in her favorite clothes. We then go out and I will treat her to ice cream (her favorite thing on earth.)

That is my normal aftercare session.

Wow! You definitely care very much for your sub. Do you have a clone?

[elliemay]

Aftercare to me is so important (as a sub) I tend to react strongly, not being particulary submissive in everyday life the shift in my frame of mind which happens naturally can be overwhelming when the scene is over.
I have a tendency also to be affected by the highs of the session, I shake and cry and tend to feel spaced or sick after and need to ground myself.
So I tend to need physical contact, holding and hugging. To me if we have had a particularly intense session I tend to get a touch clingly for a few days after, like I feel the distance between us more, I think it's part of the strengthening connection being that when we move away from that intensity it leaves a feeling of loss or distance that in reality is not there.

just my thoughts.

[newby]

This is excellent info for a newby like me. I experienced subdrop w/out even knowing a thing like that existed. Thanks to all who share...

[NikkiKat]

I have experience subspace 3 times (2 online and 1 real life), and subdrop once (online).

It was mentioned earlier that people find it hard sometimes to express feelings online. I agree, it's really hard. I've only had one Dom that I felt was able to adequately deal with my emotions online. He could tell how I was feeling by the way I greeted Him. If you pay enough attention to every detail, it is possible to be very perceptive.

The first time I experienced subspace (online) was with a friend of mine who has been in the lifestyle for as long as I've been alive. He was able to bring me down safely and enjoyably.

The second time I experience subspace was in real life. I fell asleep afterward, but my Dom/boyfriend was able to take care of me, nonetheless.

Lastly, online, was a horrible experience. Subspace is great, but when you're that high, you fall hard. It took me a long time to realize what happened, because I was not familiar with subdrop back then. The only thing I really remember is that I was extremely depressed for a couple of days and I felt oddly suicidal. I'm not the type of person to commit suicide, which is when I first knew that something was seriously wrong. Fortunately, I had a friend in the lifestyle who was able to figure out what happened and bring me out of it.

Oh well. You learn from your mistakes, right?

-Nikki

[Iron_Lynx]

My first sub drop was just a few weeks ago, and while I knew of it and what to watch for, I was most apparently not in the state of mind to recognize it in myself (and in fact, I didn't realize what had caused my complete meltdown until a week later) and I almost got myself fired when I spiraled into irrational anger and was found bloody-knuckled in the bathroom wailing on a metal paper-towel dispenser with no excuse for myself.

It started when I was pleasantly surprised by a quick session during my lunch hour. However, that time we took things too far for a couple reasons.
1) I tend to push myself to go further weather I really think I can take more "abuse" or not and so I failed to voice that things where getting beyond me.
2) We are still learning each other and so without my communication, my dom has a hard time determining what I can take and where I am at emotionally.
So, I probably gave her quite a shock when I broke the leather cuffs she gave me from the awkward position I was in. Of course she dropped what she was doing and moved to after care, but the time left in my lunch hour just wasn't enough for how far we had gone.

So, now we come back to that part where I am found an hour later in the bathroom at work beating on a metal cube with all my might. I'm lucky to have my job, but I've learned something I can maybe pass on from the experience. Leave plenty of time for after care and keep the potential for sub-drop in mind throughout the session, especially if you have plans for afterward. Never push your limits when you don't have time to recover. It seems obvious, but I had to learn it the hard way.

(Seriously now, I don't want anyone getting a bad impression of my mistress because I'm sharing her one mistake with you. )

BTW, my hands are fine.

[~faerie~]

I believe it's quite a challenge to give adequate aftercare in an online setting where you're so deprived of a lot of channels. I'm one of those 'stubborn' subs that Aesop talked about and like to work things out for myself, not wanting my dom to get worried or think that I need help. I find it hard to address feelings, especially slightly negative ones, directly after a session. I play it cool or am extremely giggly...sometimes that's the way I really feel, at least for a short time afterwards, but sometimes it's a wall I hide behind. Figuring out what's actually the case or digging a little deeper must be a challenge for any dom. *sighs*

What helps me sometimes, is writing things down for myself. I'm happy to pass on those notes later, but first of all I want to find my own words and reflect. Asking me directly afterwards usually gets very little and redundant information to what's going on inside me.

It's getting better, though. The closer I get to my Master and the more I trust him, the easier it is for me to open up.

i am in complete agreement. i usually need time to put my thoughts together in a way that makes sense. i still have trouble opening up, but slowly it is becoming easier. The note idea is one that i use as well.
my Master is always attentive, and asks how i feel afterward...physically and mentally...my thoughts, feelings, ideas, etc. we speak freely and take time to unwind. this is a definite learning process for both partied involved. time and consideration is very important.
this is a great thread and everyone has a lot of great advice.
Thanks!

[Whippett]

Two points based on the above comments - I dislike cyber because I am too disconnected from my sub to keep her from doing something she might regret afterwards; and I am a very physical person - and need to see her face as we work - as well as touch her. It's ok as a stop-gap between real-time sessions, but only when there's no alternative.

And aftercare:
Yes, it's extremely important - even for subs who claim they prefer just to be left for a while. I'm fond of suspension (addicted might be a better word - lol) . My girl likes to be left to hang after an intense session, but I don't like to do that - we're still working on a compromise that fits us both - and she seems to be coming round to my way of thinking (of course she does as she's told in this regard, but I want her to enjoy it, not just do it to please me).

Even after a short session - if she achieves subspace (and she usually does unless we're both off our game for some reason), the endorphine withdrawal can be an issue. She usually says she's fine and just needs quiet - but I prefer a more hands on approach - so I take her down, sit her on my lap, wrap a blanket around us both and hand feed her tidbits I prepare before the session - she never knows what the treats will be - she's not allowed to look - but they are always things she likes - usually a combination of fruits and chocolates. She isn't allowed to take them - she's fed them slowly, from my fingers or from between my teeth - between sips of water. We both find it exceedingly erotic - for her to sit, naked, cuddled on my lap and be teased with morsels of fruit and chocolate - between tidbits, I'll stroke her hair and call her a good girl and favourite slut and other soft things and give her kisses. If it's going to be a long session - I usually look for more exotic treats than the usual - perhaps a special chocolate, or if there are fresh figs or cumquats or star fruit available - I'll use those. If she wants to hang after we've done our after-care ritual - I'll put her back on the suspension frame, turn off all the lights except by a reading chair - turn the stereo down and put on one of her favourite pieces of music - the reading chair is positioned where she can see me - and I'll sit there and read (sometimes aloud) or just watch her. I also tend to get up frequently and just stroke her gently. I don't leave her hanging for more than half an hour, then lower her and release her. All in all a good after-care session can last for several hours - especially after an intense session.

If it's late in the evening - after-care is usually followed by a bath, bed and a story...she's always tucked in and read to after a session - sometimes I join her after she starts to fall asleep - sometimes I let her sleep for a while before joining her - it depends on whether I'm still a little hyper or not.

[newby]

Good stuff, Whippett...thanks for sharing. my Man & i had a fisting & breath play nite recently & even tho that's mild comparatively, i cried afterwards. Not a bad, sad, upset cry just overwhelming emotion. It scares Him 'cause He thinks He's hurt me or something so seeing reminders about aftercare is helpful for us that are new to this.

[Tojo]

There are so many parallels between D/s & 'straight' relationships- aftercare is yet another.

Suppose you meet a willing & attractive person at the hardware shop & invite them home for some fun. Would you leap off as soon as you'd had your first orgasm, & say 'that was fun, seeya' as you shove them out the door?

Not unless you're a complete asshole. If you really care for someone, you'll be there for them when they need you- D/s can bring up feelings she's never experienced.

Not only do you need to make sure she's OK, you need to make sure she knows she has a responsibility to yell out next day, or whatever if she's not. We need to be accessible.

It makes sense to spend some time caring & sharing after any intense experience.

[delish]

I'm an emotional wreck, so I tend to be high maintenance in the area of aftercare. Unfortunately, he's not always able to physically do as much for me as he would like, in this regard, but he is always careful to make sure I'm okay, especially when I pull away too quickly and distance myself. I am very lucky in that he has always taken my emotional needs into consideration, perhaps above all else. Definitely above all else, actually.

[slave_juice]

She usually says she's fine and just needs quiet - but I prefer a more hands on approach -

i like how your aftercare is so nurturing and you seem to dedicate alot of time and thought to it...

it seems like your sub is saying that she needs some quiet time after a scene though, for some subs that is necessary before (or as part of) after care...

for me, after a scene, when im in subspace... my brain is on "standby" im non functional and unreceptive to any stimuli... i very much need that time to process and recover from the scene...

when my dom and i first played together, we were both suprised that i needed that... now, after a scene, he has me comfortable under a blanket, in total silence... eventually he starts bringing me out of it and then proceeds to provide aftercare... it really works for me, i wonder how ur sub would feel about it...

[GreyJack]

Certainly every sub's/slave's aftercare needs will differ, just as it differs from Dom/Domme/Master/Mistress. There are indeed genuinely sub/slaves who want the additional excitement (even following subspace) to be "disregarded." For one thing it adds to the "being used" feeling. Aftercare which consists of anything from simple cuddling to full-blown spa visits can also depend on the intensity of the play and/or the maintenance of the sub's/slave's well-being. Like most things, there can be no general rules -- however, if the communication and empathy are strong between partners they will be sensitive to what to do when and why. Intense scenes are cathartic, even in some cases, metamorphic...passion changes the inner core, or at least it can.

[Whippett]

i like how your aftercare is so nurturing and you seem to dedicate alot of time and thought to it...

it seems like your sub is saying that she needs some quiet time after a scene though, for some subs that is necessary before (or as part of) after care...

for me, after a scene, when im in subspace... my brain is on "standby" im non functional and unreceptive to any stimuli... i very much need that time to process and recover from the scene...

when my dom and i first played together, we were both suprised that i needed that... now, after a scene, he has me comfortable under a blanket, in total silence... eventually he starts bringing me out of it and then proceeds to provide aftercare... it really works for me, i wonder how ur sub would feel about it...

I guess I should clarify somewhat - I cut some corners in my original post since this is a discussion of after-care.

How after-care proceeds depends on the scene with us - if she's very deeply into subspace, and not processing, I like to make sure she is indeed fine before I give her the quiet time she needs. When she's deeply into subspace she will keep on going to the point of physical injury if allowed to - so her "I'm fine, I just need some quiet." is usually just part of her standard "I'm fine response." regardless of whether she is or not. In those cases I take a hands on approach until I'm sure she is indeed fine. Once I'm sure she is, she gets her preferred quiet time method (she rests easier either caged or suspended, depending on how she's feeling). The heat is kept up in the dungeon so she doesn't catch chill - she prefers not to be covered when having quiet time.

If the scene has been less intense, or she's not so deep into subspace she's unable to process, then I'll generally take her down from the suspension rig and re-suspend her in another pose which puts less strain on her if she wants quiet time - and give her a little water as I reposition her.

I use a baby monitor and a webcam to monitor her when she's having quiet time - so I can keep an eye on her and make sure she's ok - when she gets a little restless I know she's ready to rejoin me - and the after-care proceeds.

So yes - she gets the quiet time she needs - but I make sure she's fine before I leave her.

[bip0lar]

heh, i think i too should be added to the list of Aesop's stubborn subs, although Master always asks, there are times when i really think i can handle my emotions alone. However, i do think that both (or more heh) parties need some alone time, preferably in each other arms, cuddling, yet, especially after a difficult scene, some things (normally the more negative ones) should be thought-over before said. but that's my view on things :x

[icey]

aftercare depends upon circumstances,it isnt just about the hugs cuddling drinks and keeping warm etc its also the practical things such as applying any ointments needed or bathing and checking welts, open wounds, bleeding (needs to be done during too!) marks etc.

as a rope lover being in the ropes afterwards for a while (doesnt have to be anything to intricate) is wonderful as it gives that feeling of security and safety and warmth like being held and soothed,although its best not to do it immediately and not as restrictive as it would normally be.

people talk about the need for discussion which i fully agree with but sometimes you're just not capable of it, when you're punch drunk its a bit difficult to have serious conversations so it has to wait sometimes not much point to it otherwise.
if at any point the Dom/me feels that the sub is getting too spaced out my personal opinion is that they should slow things down or even stop it if necassary or stop if the Dom/me feels he/she is becoming spaced out too can he/she be fully alert? because the sub probably wont be.

i need to be kept awake for a short while afterwards when ive been really spaced out if not i tend to go into a very heavy sleep and wake up more disorientated and confused and often a headache and thats when im most likely to drop.which will leave me weepy and dazed.

'subdrop' ...probably the worst drop i ever had was after a really intense long session.
i was high as a kite for quite a long time,giddy laughing and wobbling all over the place.
i had a sleep a little later when id come down and felt absolutely fine for the rest of the day and the following morning,but when we went shopping later the following day Icehawk left me just for a minute to get something and i got really paranoid it seemed like everyone was staring and talking about me,my vision was a little blurred i started feeling panicky and was convinced he had just abandoned me and started to cry and shake.
Icehawk had to hold me steady while we got back to the car keeping me constantly occupied and alert without overstimulating me or the minute my concentration went i was back to feeling dazed and weepy.

he gave me icecream tucked me up in bed and read to me until i fell asleep and didnt leave my side,it wasnt until a day or so later that fully stopped all the time he kept a close eye on me.
ive had drops before nothing major and short lived but that was the worst ever and it really flooredme, im just glad i had Icehawk there to look after me.

[MasterDragon]

Okay so first of all please do not let me offend people but this is the research I have done.

First of all this is on many sites and books.
http://www.nationmaster.com/encyclop...ftercare-(BDSM)

Amusing... before I go on. Until I saw the Aesop screen name I was looking for this in Aesop's Fables.

Second, care never stops. Aftercare is in the medical term which is where we get most of our terms.
Here are two different definitions and reference quotes from mid 1700's and present

af·ter·care /ˈæftərˌkɛər, ˈɑf-/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[af-ter-kair, ahf-] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation
–noun Medicine/Medical.
the care and treatment of a convalescent patient.
[Origin: 1755–65; after + care]
Dictionary.com Unabridged (v 1.1)
Based on the Random House Unabridged Dictionary, © Random House, Inc. 2006.
__________________________________________________ _______________
af·ter·care (āf'tər-kâr') Pronunciation Key
n.

1. Follow-up care provided after a medical procedure or treatment program.
2. Care provided to children after school, especially in an organized setting.

The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth Edition
Copyright © 2006 by Houghton Mifflin Company.
Published by Houghton Mifflin Company. All rights reserved.
__________________________________________________ _______________

This tells me that it is after any 'treatment' till better. Now as we do not know when better is until symptoms have abated. So after which is solely just called care.

I come from a different era, I think, I was not given Master, not to be confused with Dom, credentials till I knew this all by heart and studied outside sources other than my trainers teachings. I knew this all before I practiced on my own. Now sad part is to day people do not know the life enough before they claim Master. Not to go into the differences between Master and Dom/slave and submissive role. For they are very different things. I am now thinking of going back into training, so there are no more wrongful deaths and hospital visits from the non-experienced.

[walkingdude225]

i never thought of aftercare thanks maddie... by the way is there a top drop too?

[MasterDragon]

i never thought of aftercare thanks maddie... by the way is there a top drop too?

Physically, yes. There is exhaustion.

Mentally, yes. There is remorse, sometimes. There is also PTSD that may effect the Dominant. Also there is empathic connection. Also the things we were taught to be wrong may effect us. There is also the mental work to stay in that head space may be mentally draining for some.

Emotionally, yes. Again possible PTSD and Empathic. Also the things we were taught to be wrong may effect us.

It is highly unlikely that this will be apparent. Dominants have usually trained themselves to hide such things or on occasion it is innate.

This may only visually effect when the next session happens and how intense it is.

Dragon: