First, he was my friend; then we lost each other for a while. Then, we I was numb and half-dead, he resurfaced. He accepted the changed me, but is trying to bring me back to living life. He has shown me joy again. Then, we became lovers-something he waited 15 years for, never resenting my "no's," and never giving up hope that someday he could tell me that he loved me. THEN, we discussed our common BDSM desires, my small experience, his much greater knowledge. Now, he leads me, training me gently, as my ego and heart are still very fragile, without making me feel like an emotional or sexual invalid. He helps me learn my limits and helps me push them-but never pushes too hard. He is still my friend and without that trust in place I don't think I could have ever felt so safe with him, safe enough to try new things, things I am/was afraid of, safe enough to fail at some of them without failing HIM. I've learned so much from him, not just about BDSM, but about life and how to live it, about what kind of person I want to be. He makes me braver smarter, stronger, even when I am at my weakest, even when my submission lets him see my weakness the most. I love him and he loves me. We are not 24/7 BDSM, and he almost always seems to know when I need sweet, vanilla-type love, and when I need him to be his harshest, without me telling him. He is loving,kind, warm, everything any vanilla girl might want, yet, with only two fingers (no, not there!) he can make his dominance felt and make me feel safer knowing he is taking charge.
I hope this is what you were looking for in an answer, or that it at least helps someone understand why we do what we do.(And, yes, if you ask nicely I'll tell you what he does with those two fingers!)