That's why i said *I* would love to echo the comments before me. I would. I would love to feel that connection with people in a vanilla fashion. I simply don't. (here's some more I statements). I feel as if vanilla people are on the outside looking in or that I'm doing that. When I'm at some Vanilla party i would rather be at a BDSM club. When I'm having vanilla sex I think about BDSM. It is in it's clinical sense a fetish. It is something that must be present in order for me to achieve orgasm or even simple arousal.

It always seems that there is a part of me I'm suppressing. Like I'm giving something up that shouldn't be ignored. Being in a vanilla relationship for me is as if someone asked me to stop breathing. As if I'm a fish and they are a bird.

I've tried them both a million times and i can't get my Masters or my subs out of my head. The 4 year vanilla relationship: I'm over it. The 3 month M/s fling? Can't get it out of my head sometimes.

I feel as if sharing a secret (it seems to always be a secret irl) has connected us in a way that I can't find in a vanilla relationship. So many secret looks, seceret glances, secret meanings. Even when i have understandings or connections in vanilla relationships I feel as if they are that of a (almost distant) sibling and not of that of a lover. Even when i have that deep intimacy, it isn't the same.

I pose this question though.... Of the people who answered that a Vanilla relationship can hold the same weight... how many of you had their first relationship be vanilla?

My first relationship was M/s.