WHy is IT?

[DomCt2002]

Ever notice, that as you chat online and in the chat rooms involved or made for BDSM or D/s that many submissives are in the rooms chatting about what they expect in a DOminant, or what type of DOminant they look for, or the fetishes and toys involved and chatting like they want a DOminant, but as soon as a DOminant approaches them online they come up with some excuse not to meet?

And yes, I have heard all of the excuses, 1) I work for a living 2) I don't have time 3) I don't know you well enough yet 4) Your Married 5) Your single and aloof and many more. So, if your into BDSM and D/s the only reason not to play with married people is to make sure your not responisible for the divorce lol. But in fact if a married person is looking in and of itself, the marriage can not be on firm ground can it?
Ah I love the mysteries, questions in life and the way some people look at things. The only thing that makes life fun, is people, not objects, not toys, but the interaction between individuals and what can happen period. I hope that makes sense.
I find it amazing that if you look thru all the chatrooms online to do with BDSM/ D/s and the lifestyle itself you find the submissives are there and the switches but, very few ever cross the line from cyberlife to real life, and yes I understand the dangers just as well as anyone. BUt I find it amazing that with all the needs of a submissive to be wanted, cared for, made to serve and more, how many hesitate when they actually talk to a real Dominant and have that chance to meet them and get made to serve. It is amazing how much of an introvert a submissive can be and how really scared thay can be until they find a DOminant they fully trust, respect and then they can let go. Interesting huh? Why is it?

[Logic1]

I cant really say that I have had that experience, but perhaps I "ooze" trust or something through the intarweb .
I do know what you mean though, but perhaps that is the same as when people talk about skydiving and when somebody wants them to join for a skydive (or bungejump or whatever) they back out.
Lots of people have wants and needs that they "want" but might be too scared to actually take the "plunge". It is always safer to talk about doing something than to actually do it if you know what I mean.

[Dommaster690]

I think I understand why. Having experience in both having online submissives and real life submissives, I find that it really does take alot of knowing someone online like a month or two months worth, maybe more depending on how often you two chat online as well, before one would actually consider and feel comfortable in doing so for a real life meet.

If you think of it from a girl's point of view, wouldnt you want to be able to fully trust a Dom and know him well enough that you know that when you meet him in real life for the first time you wouldnt be kidnapped and taken to some dark room and used by an infinity amount of guys? For us guys, I think if for example you meet a sexy blonde girl with big breasts online, 10 mins later you would be inclined to ask them their number and meet with them to have sex.

Unfortunately for girls, there are much more dangers in meeting guys online for real life encounters and hey I would be and have been previously scared off by girls wanting to meet me in real life after Ive been talking to them for like 30 mins on msn.

And maybe this is the answer you are more looking for, yes a large percentage of submissive girls online, are I wouldnt say fake but wannabees, and only want to be used that way as a kinky way to get off and have no intention on being a fulltime submissive for a Dom and especially in real life.

But there are genuine submissives who may and will consider meeting a Dom in real life, just not like after 30 mins or maybe 2 days of talking to them online. Patience is the key

[snowflake]

i truly believe that this whole question breaks down to one main answer with a possible few different but not quite as strong..

The answer being TRUST..

It may be a small word when you look at it but it is a huge thing to build that takes a very long time, especially when it comes to this situation..

I mean look at the risks that the sub is taking.. not just a date or skydiving as Logic put.. she is risking her life and putting it in your hands to do as you please... I mean even an ex con ...a murderer can act nice.. but when bound she is totally out of control wide open to anything you had in mind... and yes i have seen what can happen first hand on vids on the net.. Some guys are into lets tie her up and kill her as she cums... as some believe it is the strongest orgasm a woman will ever have.. Others get off watching them hang by a noose begging for their lives.. Mind you i do not agree or like any of these movies but as a Mod/Admin on other forums i have seen them.. We refer to them a snuff movies.. And they are to be removed instantly...

It takes a lot of time to build the trust needed to put yourself in front of a person tied and ready for anything and to be able to say "i know he will not go past my limits...I trust him... Not just a few conversations on the net and in private... It takes time a lot of time and then for the first few meets would at least want it to be in public places like a fet party after a meet or two at a bar or for coffee or lunch..

It would also help to hear from others what you are like in person,, It would give a person a bit of security to hear from another that they had a good time but more importantly if you could be trusted..

You keep mentioning marriage ... and to some it is not a problem. others want you all to themselves without the baggage... but if you are .. may i ask would you be doing this behind your wife's back??? and yes if you were broken up i would want to know the whys.. I mean if you were convicted for severely beating your wife i think they would want to know...

Some on here want to just play on line i am sure until they know what it is all about.. Many are young and still learning and don't know what to expect from a Dom.. like what are punishments and what would be expected and what limits others have... so they know that a Dom is not asking to much of them...

And yes there are some that are just to afraid to take the plunge they say i want to .. but when push comes to shove they back away in fear...

And i am sure there are some that just want this .. to have an online Dom.. to spice up their lives without the hassles of it going beyond and reaching into R/L.. That just want to live the fantasy..

Logic1 the main reason i would want to and be willing to meet you .. not only have you shown what kind of Dom you would be just but the month of talking we have shared.. but the fact we have shared ups and downs in both our lives as friends.. You have shown me to many times your soft caring heart and your sub is so lucky to have you ...But it has taken over a year for me to be able to say that and a lot of trial and tribulations you have helped me deal with and a few you allowed me to help you with that has built that trust Sir..

That is the kind of trust i think most are looking for

Hope i have helped and not confused you more DomCT Sir... and i hope one day you can find that sub you are looking for..


Just my opinion

Huggs
snow

[Kuskovian]

LOL. Is it any wonder. Vanillia dating is no different, sans whips and chains.

It is very hard for submissives to take the plunge by themselves. But I don't think all the submissives here are the problem. It sounds from the many posts I have seen you make, that your own approach might be the real issue; that or a lack of patience.

Face the facts dude, the internet is a safe way for them to explore thier nature and if you can't play the mateing game as nature intended it...... tough. (I especially like the irony considering it's computerized)

I find it funny when I hear so called dominants claim that they sit back and let the submissives flock to them. Especially the one's that have jack shit going for them. It is no different than in real life, advertise, sit back, talk, etc etc, eventually couplulate with thier minds first and if lucky thier bodies, all from the saftey of your computer, and mabey ...someday...move on to real life.

It's just a faster proccess in a bar where it's assumed both parties are looking for action in real life later at his or her place.

That or do what you do and quit worrying about it. This approach works fine in real life for me as womanly observers pick up real quick on a guy that isnt genuine and secure with himself. If you come off as needy or look like you are prowling in real life the girls see it fast. My guess is they are the same here too.

Unless your tactical approach here is to get a "mercy fuck", in which case I say press on. (only kidding)

Funny how none of the submissives have posted to this thread. I was holding off hopeing to see what advice they had for you. Reading the posts of the submissives is one of my favorite ways to pick thier brains for the "good stuff". (Grins).

[Kuskovian]

Now Snowflake must have out-- typed me. LOL. Thanks

[snowflake]

Now Snowflake must have out-- typed me. LOL. Thanks

oops was i to long winded ?? so sorry
giggles

[annie]

I have to say that I have used a majority of those "excuses" as you call them when speaking with overly pushing dominates. At least I did when I was younger and less experienced. I didn't want to "offend" anyone and wanted everyone happy (subbie here after all... natural trait in some ways!) But, after going through MORE then one Dominate who seemed to be all that and sliced bread too only to quickly discover that what they claim and what they were are completely opposites I have changed considerably. Now I will clearly tell them I'm not interested... and yes, basically in them! The approach makes all the difference and if anyone thinks that a sub should be instantly willing to play (or even cyber) and especially meet after only a few moments or a few assorted conversations with someone then they are seriously mistaken. Trust has to be developed and while an internet context helps to enlarge the circle of people you meet it doesn't always lead to a better/faster way of developing trust. IMO, any subbie worth their weight will take their time, otherwise, they may not be a sub but a bottom or a role player looking for a quick fix in a way. Nothing wrong with that and i'm certain if that is what a person is looking for they will be able to find it, in a heart beat.

Quality does normally come with patience and fortitude to not settle but to keep looking for the One that is their "beginning and end."

[Ownedfyre (mm1)]

What I see is that you are grouping 'all' subs together in one category. That would be like me saying 'all' Doms in chat rooms are trolls looking to dominate every sub they meet. Which is SO not the case. I have met a lot of wonderful people here and I can say from my experience, I am not here for a Dom. I am here to learn. If a sub advertises that they are in need of a Dom that should not mean they would take the first one that comes along. Any man can call himself a Dom, and that doesn't mean he is one. I don't know about all the other BDSM chat rooms, but I can tell you that this particular room is full of friendly and helpful people. And most of us are here to socialize. If that leads to meeting someone with whom you click, then all the better for you. But you can't expect to just hook up with the first needy sub you meet and ride off into the sunset on her ass. Best of luck to you in your search.

[harmony]

not much for me to add.. since everything is already said and i agree completly.. i for my part cant imagine myself trusting someone enough to get together in real life just by chatting a couple of days or weeks.. even more.. anyone can pretend to be nice.. so getting together in a public place just to meet wont tell me that the person i have in front of me is how he/she tells me he/she is..

[hopperboo]

does take alot of knowing someone online like a month or two months worth, maybe more depending on how often you two chat online as well, before one would actually consider and feel comfortable in doing so for a real life meet.

If you think of it from a girl's point of view, wouldnt you want to be able to fully trust a Dom and know him well enough that you know that when you meet him in real life for the first time you wouldnt be kidnapped and taken to some dark room and used by an infinity amount of guys?

Unfortunately for girls, there are much more dangers in meeting guys online for real life encounters and hey I would be and have been previously scared off by girls wanting to meet me in real life after Ive been talking to them for like 30 mins on msn.

Wonderful post. Nothing makes me run faster than a person who expects to meet me after a few minutes of chatting online. I am a very cautious person by nature and if I get a 'feeling' about someone I will not meet them. (i.e. If they bring up meeting within 5 minutes - that terrifies me).

It is very hard for submissives to take the plunge by themselves. But I don't think all the submissives here are the problem. It sounds from the many posts I have seen you make, that your own approach might be the real issue; that or a lack of patience.

I find it funny when I hear so called dominants claim that they sit back and let the submissives flock to them. Especially the one's that have jack shit going for them.

I agree with this too. It takes me a bit to gain the courage (and the ability to trust that I am not going to be kidnapped, raped and thrown in a ditch) for me to meet the other person. I get scared even meeting in a public place. I am very well aware that I am no match for a man if I did indeed feel threatened and needed to get away...so I am careful how I go about meeting men.

Then again everyone tells me I worry to much in general so maybe I am over analyzing just a nice person.

I don't like it when men sit back and wait for me to run over to them...(IRL or online)...I am pretty shy with new people and they'll be waiting a long time if they are expecting that. Plus, I like to be chased. (Don't tell the hardcore feminists or they'll take my bras and burn them. *Tear*).





I use those reasons to back out of meeting, like annie said, with an overly pushy person.

I had plans to meet a guy (after a bit talking online and a lot talking on the phone) and I ended up backing out. I had a serious family emergency to help with and I let him know I was going to have to change the day of our date, gave him the reason etc.... He called me twice a day for a week. That's after I asked him to please not call for a little bit. (I had told him that I'd be at the hospital day in and day out). It made me very nervous and I have since cut off contact with him. Someone must have been watching over me.

[Flaming_Redhead]

Ever notice, that as you chat online and in the chat rooms involved or made for BDSM or D/s that many submissives are in the rooms chatting about what they expect in a DOminant, or what type of DOminant they look for, or the fetishes and toys involved and chatting like they want a DOminant, but as soon as a DOminant approaches them online they come up with some excuse not to meet?

I haven't noticed that, but I've noticed that many supposed dominants suddenly disappear.

But in fact if a married person is looking in and of itself, the marriage can not be on firm ground can it?

I suppose that's something the married couple in question needs to discuss without the "help" of an interloper with an agenda.

It is amazing how much of an introvert a submissive can be and how really scared thay can be until they find a DOminant they fully trust, respect and then they can let go. Interesting huh? Why is it?

I think you just answered your own question.

[DowntownAmber]

Snowflake, I think, nailed the big one: TRUST. A number of the posts prior to mine expound on this as well, so I won't flog the expired equine here. Simply, it's a scary world out there and BDSM is a dangerous spice to the already dodgy life of dating and relationships. J-Go and I were r/l partners before we were ever a D/s couple, and even we progressed very slowly through the stages of our BDSM development.

The only other point I'd like to add is that, although this is a BDSM themed website, we subs are more than that single facet of our being. Yes, I am submissive. However, I am also a very busy working professional, an occasional actress, a theatre junkie and a traveling writer. I love photography and cooking, dogs, and I enjoy hunting and fishing. Yes, I want a Dom. I can throw a dart on this site and hit any number of them that would fit my kink bill. Great, they fit my Lifestyle, but do they fit my life? If all you're after is cyber, great, very little of that matters because if you don't like what I do or what I have to say beyond play, no problem, flip the computer off when we're done. IRL? Sorry, you're going to have to be more of a real person and not simply a distracting fantasy and that takes time.

Regards, Amber.

[cadence]

The only other point I'd like to add is that, although this is a BDSM themed website, we subs are more than that single facet of our being. Yes, I am submissive. However, I am also a very busy working professional, an occasional actress, a theatre junkie and a traveling writer. I love photography and cooking, dogs, and I enjoy hunting and fishing. Yes, I want a Dom. I can throw a dart on this site and hit any number of them that would fit my kink bill. Great, they fit my Lifestyle, but do they fit my life? If all you're after is cyber, great, very little of that matters because if you don't like what I do or what I have to say beyond play, no problem, flip the computer off when we're done. IRL? Sorry, you're going to have to be more of a real person and not simply a distracting fantasy and that takes time.

Regards, Amber.

Very well put

[sisterhoney61 {RW}]

I was involved with three online Doms before I met Master. I instinctively knew that none of the previous Doms were right for me IRL. And then when I met Master I chatted with Him online (and sent e-mail, snail mail and talked on the phone) for an entire year before W/we met IRL. Why did I choose Him over the others? For exactly what Amber said above: I may be a sub and want a BDSM relationship, but I am more that a sub. I have my own life, my own interests. I love to write, to read, to belly dance, to travel, to attend Renaissance faires, to cook, to camp and hike. Master was the ONLY Dom who wanted to get to know me as me and not just as a sub to dominate. He saw me as the person I was behind the screen name. He got to know me as who I truly was and W/we found out that W/we would be able to do things beyond BDSM, because W/we had a lot in common.

BDSM is great and all, but you can't do it 24/7. Real life interferes. What happens beyound BDSM is what truly matters. Doms need to see subs as real people, bot just someone who kneels and wears a collar and says, "Yes, Master." Subs need to see Doms as real people and not just the one who wields the flogger and ties her to the bedposts or says, "Kneel, slut." This is all fine and dandy if all you want to do is play online. But if you want to have a real relationship IRL you two have to know each other as real people and not stereotypes or the relationship is going to go nowhere.

[Arria]

I think you being married is a big part of the reason nothing is happening.
Let me first say that I appreciate your being honest about it (that is more than SOME are...)

Nevertheless: If a sub is looking for a relationship that is going deeper than some play-only-level, you are not a potential candidate.
The simple reason for this: You are married. Meaning, you already have a "number one" woman in your life.

No sub I met was willing to be the second choice / little accessoire / whatever you may call it.

I, for certain, would not have wanted to be the second choice / the one with less priority than some other woman...

Just my 2 cents.

[sisterhoney61 {RW}]

I agree with Arria. I have on occasion met subs who were involved with online Doms who were married, but they knew at the beginning that the relationship most likely would never get any further than that. I myself would have never gotten involved with a married Dom. When I am a Dom's sub I want His focus on me and me alone. I do not want to come in second place, because His wife will always be #1 to Him. I know that a lot of the married Doms online are in vanilla marriages but want/need BDSM as well. But as long as they are married they aren't going to get any closer to their online sub. I have too much self respect than to get involved with a married man knowing that there will be nothing but disappointment and heartbreak because we would never be able to truly be an intimate couple. I am not willing to be anyone's #2.

[Ozme52]

Snowflake, I think, nailed the big one: TRUST. A number of the posts prior to mine expound on this as well, so I won't flog the expired equine here. Simply, it's a scary world out there and BDSM is a dangerous spice to the already dodgy life of dating and relationships. J-Go and I were r/l partners before we were ever a D/s couple, and even we progressed very slowly through the stages of our BDSM development.

The only other point I'd like to add is that, although this is a BDSM themed website, we subs are more than that single facet of our being. Yes, I am submissive. However, I am also a very busy working professional, an occasional actress, a theatre junkie and a traveling writer. I love photography and cooking, dogs, and I enjoy hunting and fishing. Yes, I want a Dom. I can throw a dart on this site and hit any number of them that would fit my kink bill. Great, they fit my Lifestyle, but do they fit my life? If all you're after is cyber, great, very little of that matters because if you don't like what I do or what I have to say beyond play, no problem, flip the computer off when we're done. IRL? Sorry, you're going to have to be more of a real person and not simply a distracting fantasy and that takes time.

Regards, Amber.

Very well put

Yes! Very succinct. Very true.

[Ozme52]

I think you being married is a big part of the reason nothing is happening.
Let me first say that I appreciate your being honest about it (that is more than SOME are...)

Nevertheless: If a sub is looking for a relationship that is going deeper than some play-only-level, you are not a potential candidate.
The simple reason for this: You are married. Meaning, you already have a "number one" woman in your life.

No sub I met was willing to be the second choice / little accessoire / whatever you may call it.

I, for certain, would not have wanted to be the second choice / the one with less priority than some other woman...

Just my 2 cents.

Arria, I will counter... that there are also married subs who would not wish to leave their spouses, their family, who would welcome the "safety" of a married dominant who is also otherwise happily married.

DomCt, That said, those subs (and doms) are even MORE careful about whom they might play with.

So the whole patience thing is paramount. It takes a lot of time to show you have something substantial to offer. Something that may not be permanent, but can certainly be long term.

So now... I'll be a bit harsh. This is what? Your third or fourth thread with this basic complaint? I know I've responded in at least one other of them... and if you are indeed "real" in your desires to make a lasting connection, then stop showing how impatient you are.

I think you would do yourself a real service to reread Kuskovian's response and maybe take it to heart.

Oh... one more thing. Get a real name and ask T to change yours... Even your name says you're only on the make... Dom from Connecticut. That's a description, not a name.

[denuseri]

they are as right as rain Domct its tough love but really good advice

[sisterhoney61 {RW}]

DomCt, I think that Ozme is right in that it might help your cause if you changed your name to make you seem more real and less of a stereotype. If I were an unowned sub I would be more inclined to chat with someone who didn't immediately advertize himself as a Dom like that. Ozme is right: your name just screams that you are a Dom on the make for a sub. That name doesn't tell us anything about yourself or your personality. I've always been interested in people's screen names and how they came up with them. That is an ice breaker right there.

[fetishdj]

I mean look at the risks that the sub is taking.. not just a date or skydiving as Logic put.. she is risking her life and putting it in your hands to do as you please... I mean even an ex con ...a murderer can act nice..

In fact, it is largely known in psychology circles that many serial killers come across as charming and attractive when spoken to. Its part of the whole 'sociopath' psychological make-up. Truth is that criminals rarely wear stripey jumpers and carry big bags with 'swag' written on them.

[fetishdj]

What I see is that you are grouping 'all' subs together in one category. That would be like me saying 'all' Doms in chat rooms are trolls looking to dominate every sub they meet. Which is SO not the case. I have met a lot of wonderful people here and I can say from my experience, I am not here for a Dom. I am here to learn. If a sub advertises that they are in need of a Dom that should not mean they would take the first one that comes along. Any man can call himself a Dom, and that doesn't mean he is one. I don't know about all the other BDSM chat rooms, but I can tell you that this particular room is full of friendly and helpful people. And most of us are here to socialize. If that leads to meeting someone with whom you click, then all the better for you. But you can't expect to just hook up with the first needy sub you meet and ride off into the sunset on her ass. Best of luck to you in your search.

Most of the serious BDSM chatrooms I have been in have been full of similar people - wanting to chat, so******e, make a joke or two, have a laugh and often rarely actually speak of BDSM. The one in this site is unique, however, in that I have rarely (in fact, never so far) had to 'advise' a male chatter that it is not a good idea to barge into the place and demand that woman serves him or approach one of the Dommes and basically try to bully her into being his 'Mistress'. I suspect this is because this site has a higher percentage of lifestylers in it and few 'non lifestyle tourists' in it.

[snowflake]

Most of the serious BDSM chatrooms I have been in have been full of similar people - wanting to chat, so******e, make a joke or two, have a laugh and often rarely actually speak of BDSM. The one in this site is unique, however, in that I have rarely (in fact, never so far) had to 'advise' a male chatter that it is not a good idea to barge into the place and demand that woman serves him or approach one of the Dommes and basically try to bully her into being his 'Mistress'. I suspect this is because this site has a higher percentage of lifestylers in it and few 'non lifestyle tourists' in it.

dj i have to disagree a bit on the having males come in and try to bully woman to being a Mistress to them.. or a sub for that matter ..

It has happened .. the difference here is the Mods and Admin listen and deal with such issues immediately if it carries on or if others get rude or indignant..

We are so blessed with them .. i applaud the Mods and Admin on this board for making sure they are around and available in some way shape or form.. that is why i come here .. I feel very safe , sound and at home.. knowing that if i have a problem it won't go in one ear and out the other .. but will be dealt with in a civilized manner

just my opinion

hugs
snow

[sisterhoney61 {RW}]

I absolutely agree, Snowflake. I have been in other chatrooms where the guys would try to bully every woman in site into kneeling, including the Dommes. I have on occasion met "Doms" in the chatroom here who have attempted to get me to cyber with them. When I tell them that I won't because I am collared, they tell me that what my Master won't know won't hurt Him. I have had to tell a couple that Master can read the computer screen at any moment, because He is in the same room with me. There have been a couple of times when I have asked Master to enter the chatroom and that has scared the "Dom" away.

The mods and the admins are the best! I love having them in the room, because I have had to call on them to make the trouble makers leave me alone. Even though the vast majority of the people here are lifestylers, not all of them are and think that this is just a place to get some good cybering from us subs, whom, as we all know, will submit to any man who demands it of us! In their dreams!

[fetishdj]

I never said it never happened, just that I never had to deal with it. The numbers of arseholes on some other chats are far higher than here (far higher than even a dedicated Mod could deal with) and often they don't have dedicated mods just self motivated members who police the boards themselves.

So, yes, a good Mod makes a massive difference but so does the fact that this place takes a little more effort to find than, for example, alt.com which offers special offers for people on their other sites to join more than one of them. This often means that you get swingers popping in from other sites because they think 'BDSM women are easy' and these are the ones who cause the trouble.

[denuseri]

I can empathize 150% with the girls that are leary of a real life meet, (especially considering what happened as a result of my one and only real life meet with a very seductive evil vile monster and his so called sub, who was probabley another victum he enlisted to help trick me, I would never reccomend to anyone that they just casually hookup in real life with anyone from the internet male of female.

That being said i may be a bit tainted by my encounter, I have heard of several people meeting and luckely nothing bad has happennd to them, conversely i have heard of a very small, even fewer number of people that actually developed real life relationships with a online person, some of which have turned to long lasting truely wonderful coupleings of soulmates of the deepest bondage and love

probably just goes to prove that love online is just as rare and precious as in real life

[thepast]

Since the thread has gone off in a few different tracks... My post replies to various ones... so... pick your poison here... LOL...


First point... Our effort here, whether it be in Forums or in Chat, is to make the site a welcoming & comfortable place for everyone. Our staff--admins, mods, greeters, AIs, TCs, PLs, etc--are all availible as points of contact for anyone who needs assistance.

More often then not, the "harrassing" type issues come up in chat first, because it's a "live" room--people say what they want when they want & rarely "edit" their "post" before sending it... That has it's goods and bads... My chat staff and I work diligently & carefully to make sure that problems are taken care of when they arise, rather then letting issues fester. On the same token, we have to listen to BOTH sides of the story: perception of one is usually NOT perception of the other... It is our job to sort through things & make the best call at the time. Usually that is the call that is going to protect the greatest amount of chatters while protecting the rights of all to enjoy the chatroom... that being said...

Second point... Perception & communication, together, I have found, are 99% the misunderstandings that take place. No matter the degree of experience, role or gender, anytime you meet someone online you are going to form an "opinion" and an "image" of that person that no photos or webcam or reality will destroy while you remain o/l. Why? Because, that's the nature of a fantasy: you see what you want to see... "rose colored glasses" perhaps... and, sadly, more often then not, it's the submissive that seems to end up in that position, so it's the submissive, often, that has their "fantasy" shattered when they meet a prospective partner in real life for the first time. Now, does that mean they won't ever try again? No, but they will be more leery of trying if they have dealt with a bad situation before. It's the same thing in ANY facit of our lives really: bitten once, shame on them; bitten twice, shame on us.

There is NO harm in taking things slow, of being a bit paranoid about your privacy, or anything of that nature. There's NOTHING wrong with saying, "I am not ready to talk to you on the phone yet," or "I am not ready to meet you yet." A GOOD partner will understand that this means you need more time & space, not that you're running away from the relationship necessarily. Patience is needed on BOTH sides, as is a good dose of reality, communication AND perception control...

Be cautious, be studious... go with your gut!!! I tell people in chat all the time... "If it doesn't feel right in your gut, it's probably not right."


Third point (and last one!)... Everyone is a multi-faceted human being. God forbid that submissives OR Dominants be more then the shell of a person you see for 10 minutes in a chatroom, or 5 seconds in a photo or their profile. You HAVE to get to know the WHOLE person before you get involved too deep... what makes them tick? What do they like? What do they dislike? What's their life plan? You'd be a fool for marrying a mail-order bride: just as you would be a fool for collaring & moving in with an o/l partner before you ever meet them.

Use some common sense and trust your gut: I don't think you will be often disappointed.

The problem in general comes down to one of patience... people want that perfect One, and want them NOW. They don't want to wait, don't want to eternally look, don't want to have to put the effort in... they just want them to appear. Might I suggest to you instead a blowup doll? Because without patience, time, and investment, that is about how superficial your relationship with anyone long term can be...

As always, just my 2 cents.

[Ragoczy]

I can empathize 150% with the girls that are leary of a real life meet, (especially considering what happened as a result of my one and only real life meet with a very seductive evil vile monster and his so called sub, who was probabley another victum he enlisted to help trick me, I would never reccomend to anyone that they just casually hookup in real life with anyone from the internet male of female.

That being said i may be a bit tainted by my encounter, I have heard of several people meeting and luckely nothing bad has happennd to them, conversely i have heard of a very small, even fewer number of people that actually developed real life relationships with a online person, some of which have turned to long lasting truely wonderful coupleings of soulmates of the deepest bondage and love

probably just goes to prove that love online is just as rare and precious as in real life

My experiences with meeting people online (admittedly easier, being male and dominant), ran the gamut from a guy showing up for lunch, after pretending to be a woman, to meeting my wife of seven years -- with a lot of patience in between for the many, many hours of email exchanges and chats that went nowhere, the lunches that went no further and the meets for scenes that just didn't work out.

One thing I didn't find was what I'd call "excuses". I was simply upfront that I was ultimately looking to get to know someone before an actual meeting, that I wasn't at all interested in "cyber" and that the submissive could take as much time as she wanted in email, chat and on the phone before a meeting, or tell me to go away at any time.

[sisterhoney61 {RW}]

I am one of those people who did develop a real life relationship with an online Dom and W/we have now known each other for almost 10 years. I had known Master online for a full year before W/we met IRL. And I took a big chance when He came down to visit me, because I was going to be alone with Him in my home. This is a case of "do as I say and not as I do," because I would always recommend that the Dom and sub meet on neutral ground and get to know one another face to face for coffee or dinner before moving on to one or the other's home. But the situation worked for Master and me. And W/we are soulmates, without a doubt in my mind.