underwhere's 1st assignment

[Dragon's muse]

Very nicely done. Good emotion and characterization.

* Words have territory. Avoid using the same/similar words too close together. It can lend the work a sing-songy feel. The reader should focus on the story, rather than the rhythm of the words.

*Adverbs can be distracting. Look with suspicion at every adverb.Leave them out unless they are necessary to the meaning.

*"Which" and "that" are often unnecessary, as well. If the sentence works the same without them, delete them.

*You will no doube notice i am a world class word deleter. Never use three words when one will convey the same meaning. What does not add to the piece, detracts from it.

On to the nits.

The box tumbled down the stairs, leaving dildos, floggers, gags, paddles and riding crops in its wake. Clifton's eyes followed the path until they rested on his adult daughter at the top of the stairs, her eyes wide in shock and embarrassment.

Clifton stared at her for a moment, his face hardening at what he saw. It wasn't just the flaming red hair, which wasn't so flaming red a few months previous. He wondered when that had taken place. It wasn't even the extremely short pink and white flower skirt she was wearing. No wonder she was in such a rush to leave. No wonder why she hadn't spoken to me for days, probably weeks. Who was she hanging out with anyway? He realized that (delete) he knew precious little about her social circle. As a father, that bothered him. What bothered him more was the idea that she was so head-strong, always trying out (delete) new things and not always thinking about the possible consequences beforehand (delete). Well, this gives me the perfect opportunity to get her to think about these things, doesn't it? His hardened expression changed to a very broad smile.

Sally, for her part, had never been so embarrassed in her life. There was only one thought that kept screaming through her head. OH MY FUCKING GOD! All she could manage to (delete)do was stare blankly at her father, at the open box, and at the toys she had managed to secretly accumulate, and not-so-secretly reveal. She had tried very hard to keep her social and personal life out of the eyes of her parents. She was like a typical rebellious teenager, having the small frame to go with it, except that she was 22 (spell this out). Her boyfriend Tom had promised her a very special birthday present which they had discussed for quite some time beforehand (delete).

She felt very much at ease with Tom. There was something about him which (delete) made her feel so free, so energized. She had been looking forward to their get-together for over a month when he had first proposed the idea to (delete)her as a (delete) birthday present. She had tingled with excitement and anticipation. New paragraph here) Tom wasn't like any guy she had ever met. True, he was very tall and extremely handsome, but that wasn't why she was really attracted to him. She trusted Tom completely. Tom allowed her to be everything her parents would never let her be, everything that she wanted to be.

Sally's parents had always kept a very strict set of rules for her to follow (delete), and although she always seemed to follow them obediently, in the back of her mind, she knew she was following them (at least within their sight) {set this off with commas, rather than parentheses) simply to avoid conflict. She craved her parents' approval more than anything else in the world, and yet she always found her thoughts, ideas and needs at odds with what her parents seemed to think (thought)would be (delete)best for her (delete). Seeing the smile on her father's face, she knew she wasn't likely to get off so easy. Her father never smiled unless he had an idea, and it was that idea that she was worried about now.

Clifton reached over and grabbed the largest paddle, the crop, the gag, and the dildo. He examined each very carefully, much to his daughter's continued embarrassment. The paddle had no holes or markings on it but one, and that one, a pair of red lips, was almost imperceptible being placed (delete)on the handle where a hand would normally hold it. [COLOR="red"]It otherwise seemed plain enough. (delete -- this sentence serves no real purpose) The crop, on the other hand, looked like a rather wicked device. Clifton held it [COLOR="red"]firmly (delete) [COLOR] in his hand, and swung it through the air forcefully (delete) listening to the swishing sound it made, as he did so while (delete) watching his daughter flinch at the same sound (delete). Examining the gag very closely, he wondered what would possess somebody to enjoy wearing such a ghastly thing. As for the dildo, he could only laugh out loud, thus (delete) breaking the very awkward silence which had existed (delete)on the stairwell. Sally looked down at him with tears in her eyes.

"Young lady," Clifton said. "It seems you were going somewhere with these. Where were you going?"

Sally didn't answer him. Instead,(delete) she kept her eyes practically glued to the floor.

"I asked you a question," he persisted. "Where were you going, Sally?" As he asked the question this time, (delete) he began slowly walking up the stairs, carefully avoiding the other items which had fallen out of the box.

"FUCK YOU, DAD!" she blurted out, though she knew not (this has a formal, almost victorian feel. maybe try "had no idea" or "didn't know")where that came from. "I'm going to go where I damn well please!" She had never once talked back to her father ,even though at times she had wanted to practically (delete)murder him for his authoritarian style. Now that she had done so, she felt the elephant finally crawl down off of her back. He can't hold me down now. I stood up for myself just like Tom said I could!

Clifton climbed the last few steps very slowly and deliberately. By the time he had reached the top of the stairs, his anger had reached a climax it had never met before (delete). He swung the dildo at her, hitting her sharply on her jawbone with it. He did not hear her cry in pain as he watched her crumple to the floor. He was much stronger, and he was (delete)not afraid to prove the point. He rolled her onto her back, and forced the ball gag on her. Then he rolled her on to her stomach and sat down on her back, setting aside the other items he had in his hands.

Clifton lifted up her skirt and noted that she wasn't wearing any panties. I should have guessed, he thought. "Young lady," he said, "I don't know where you thought you were going with these things, but I know exactly what you are going to get with them." With that (this is almost always a needless phrase -- delete), he picked up the paddle and began landing blow after blow with it all over (on)her upturned bottom which jiggled with each blow. He watched as the color turned to pink, then to red. He was not afraid to wallop her hands if they somehow got in the way. He is sitting on her back. How can her hands get in the way?) Having become an expert with the paddle in short order, he took up the crop, and with a few practice swings, began landing that on her bottom and legs and with a few expertly placed strokes to her crack. He was determined to break her will. It didn't take him too long either. When all of the fight was completely out of her, he got up and rolled her onto her back, took the dildo, and shoved it into her pussy, expertly guiding it inside her, pulling it, pushing it, twisting it, watching it do its thing to her. (You've used expert or expertly several times in this bit. Vary your word choice a little)

Sally could not understand why she was getting so wet from an experience that she was not at all (delete) enjoying. She had long since (delete)given up trying to fight, and let him have his way with her. (cliche alert!! find a fresher way to say it or leave it out altogether) She felt completely crushed. She wanted to run to Tom and have him comfort her. Her only thought now was of Tom, and how she wanted him so much more. Suddenly, a wave of energy washed over her body very quickly. She closed her eyes and let it consume her completely. She did not hear the phone ring.

Clifton got up for just a moment to go answer the phone. "Hello?"

"Hello. Is Sally there?" It was the sound (voice) of a young man. "I'm Tom. She was supposed to meet me and --"

"I'm Sally's father, and she will never be meeting you again. I'll see to that," and he slammed the phone down.

Clifton took the gag off of her.

"Is that where you were going, Sally? Hmmm?"

All Sally could think to (delete) do was cry.

"Answer me, Sally. Were you going to take these things with you to go see Tom?" He slapped her hard across the face.

"Yes, Daddy," she whimpered, barely audible.

"Well, forget about it. My house, my rules." With that, he ripped the dildo out of her, without any care for her well-being, collected all of her toys, packaged them in the box, and tossed them in the garbage can. Grabbing the garbage bag, he tied it up and took it out of the house with him, leaving Sally to ponder what on earth she could possibly do now. She didn't know when her father would be back, but she had to do something.

The phone rang again. She crawled over to the desk, laboriously pulled herself up, and answered the phone on the fourth ring. "Hello," she said very softly.

"Sally, what the hell was that about?" It was Tom. How thankful she was to hear his voice.

"Oh Tom!" She couldn't say anything else without crying uncontrollably into the phone. "Tom, I'm sorry, but my Dad...." She didn't have to say anything else at the moment. What Sally didn't say Tom could almost guess. She'd already shared so much with him about herself.

"Sally, hang in there. I'm on my way." She heard two kisses into the phone before the phone was hung up.

I have Tom. Everything will be alright with Tom.

She closed her eyes and fell asleep.