And Billy Joel claims they start much to late....
Seriously, like the style, the gritty, in your face attitude that somehow reeks of innocence trying to be discarded. only a pubescent schoolgirl can really pull that off. I'll leave the technical dismemberment to Mr Dean but the idea and execution seem close to spot on in my first read through. As for the breath control aspect, you seem a little hesitant, I think a clearer picture of that aspect and its physical effects could be drawn. If done well with clarity and gritty realism it would serve you better than any warning or disclaimer. It was also a bit of a tease to leave us were you did but I suspect this is an ongoing adventure.

Yours
Mad