NightNurse's 1st Assignment

[Dragon's muse]

At last things settle down enough to spend some time with this.

Nice characterization work and good use of the elements. A good read and the continuation should be smoking. Just a few tiny nits, mostly commas and unnecessary words. Remember, any word that doesn't add to the story detracts from it. i'll get your next assignment posted today or tomorrow.

Game Boy

Sandee was standing at the door of an apartment building. She almost felt giddy she was so nervous. She had talked to Ray online for several months, but they had never met in real life. They hadn't even exchanged pictures. Now, all she had to do was push the button to ring the bell. Ray would buzz her in, and they would finally meet. What happened after that she would leave to fate, and Ray.

Sandee thought about her husband for a fleeting moment. In her mind, the marriage had been over for many years (you have 2 "years" almost back to back. Maybe change this to "a long time". She stayed in it for her children. In a few more years the youngest of the two (delete)would graduate from high school, and Sandee could be free. At thirty-seven years old, she thought there would still be time for a life. This was the first time she had stepped outside of her marriage, but, after so many months of thinking about this encounter, she was determined to go through with it.

Sandee took a deep breath, and pushed the button. Ray's voice came from the speaker, and her voice quivered as she said," Hi, Ray, it's Sandee."

Over the buzzing of the door, she heard him say, "Just let yourself in; I'm in 203."

She walked into the building and took (use 'rode' here to avoid using 'took' twice in the same sentence) a small elevator to the second floor, then took another deep breath and let herself in to the apartment.

Sandee could hear the shower running as she stood in the living room and looked around. The furniture appeared new and modern. It actually looked like it could have been in House Beautiful, except for the extra clutter here and there. On one end table was a softball trophy. Behind the table was a muddy pair of sneakers and two bats propped against the wall. In front of the leather sofa there was a gorgeous steel and glass table. On it was a black MacBook, and a couple of controllers for a sony (capitalize) Wii. Over on the entertainment center was a 42 inch plasma television, a stereo, a satellite receiver and DVR, and the Wii. The table on the other end of the sofa held a stack of baseball cards, and a basket with six remote controls. Sandee assumed they were for the various electronics in the living room. She knew Ray was twenty-six, and thought how the apartment was a mixture of both boy and man.

Sandee's heart started (delete and change beating to beat) beating faster when she heard the shower being (delete) shut off. She thought it would nearly stop when Ray walked into the room rubbing a towel through his thick blonde hair. All he was wearing was a pair of jeans that he hadn't zipped. His body was all glistening smooth tan skin and muscle. He flashed a big smile as he dropped the towel, grabbed Sandee's face, and gave her a deep sensuous kiss.

Then, running his hands through her long red hair, he said, "Damn Sandee, you're beautiful."

After apologizing for being in the shower, he explained his softball practice had run longer than expected. (Put this in dialogue, it will have more impact) He motioned for her to sit on the couch, and brought them each a glass of red wine. Using one of the remotes in the basket, Ray turned on some soft music, as they sat and talked for a short while.(tell us what they talked about -- let us in a little more.) Then he stood and pulled Sandee to her feet.

"Come with me."

Ray led her into the bedroom, then looked into her eyes as he unbuttoned her blouse. Although she was very warm, Sandee started to shiver (delete 'started to' and change 'shiver' to 'shivering') as the rest of her clothes were removed. When all of her pale ivory skin was exposed, Ray stood her against the wall, and cuffed her small wrists in front of her. He then raised her arms over her head and attached the cuffs on a hook in the wall above (delete). Ray chuckled when Sandee's breath caught in her chest as he did it (delete).

"Just hang out here for a moment, pet, I'll be right back."

Sandee had been so sure about her decision to be here, but now she was afraid of what she'd gotten herself into. Even though she felt as if she knew Ray from all the time they'd spent together online, Sandee really knew nothing about him. She panicked because she had no idea what he was going to do next.

She was thinking of trying to get away, which would have been impossible, when Ray walked back into the room. He was carrying a china cream pitcher. Sandee was so nervous now that she didn't think what an odd sight that was.

"Open your mouth Sandee," he said, as he dipped his finger into the pitcher.

Ray touched his finger to her tongue. It was covered in warm honey. Then he started to pour the honey on her shoulder's. It made her squirm as it trickled slowly over her full breasts and onto her belly. Her legs went weak when he started licking the honey off her nipples.

He then pinched one of her nipples, hard, as he put his face next to her ear and said, "Game on Sandee."

(C) 2007 NightNurse Draft in progress. All rights reserved.