First, I want to say that I really want to see it as it was before. I really liked it. I just wanted it more raw. Unfortunately, and much to my chagrin, I realized that I left something very important out of my advice. I so wanted you to catch everything on your own that I really fucked up. Most of my critique here will be to fill in those mistakes I made.

And awaaaaaaaaaay we go...


I sucked gleefully on Michael's cock as he rammed it to the back of my throat, his hands guiding my head along his length. His wife Michelle pierced my cunt with a strap-on and grasped my wrists, keeping me on my knees, exposed to their assaults.

In a scene like this you need to shorten your passages if you can. Get rid of "and" and add comas to join sentences. It builds tension and makes each sentence stand out more. I am going to give you an example of what I mean. Incidentally, this ain't gonna be perfect. Just a sort of quick example to show what I mean.

Michael's cock rammed into the back of my throat. Firm hands grasped my hair, holding me in place as I sucked. His wife, Michelle, armed with a strap-on dildo impaled my cunt. Her hands grasped my wrists tightly, enforcing her will that I kneel before their assualt.


As the duo ravished me, 1: a sense of dread overcame by body, as if I was forgetting something of life-or-death importance. Within moments feeling dissipated2: , and I once again succumbed to the pleasure.

1: I was ovecome by dread. 2: Get rid of the comma. It isn't needed with the "and".

As the duo ravaged my body I was overcome by dread; as if I had forgetten something of life or death importance. Within moments, the feeling dissipated, leaving me to succumb to pleasure.

My suggestion is not perfect. But you definately need to shorten things up. get rid of the extra words. Make it sharp and hard.



1: The couple handled me like a filthy piece of meat 2: and I loved them for it. I licked the penetrating cock 3: and thrust my hips in rhythm, 4: feeling more satisfied and full than in my entire life.

1: They 2: Get rid of the "and" and find another way to present this. Your "and" stifles the sudden impact this moment should have. 3: get rid of "and", throw in a comma and go with "thrusting" - it's immediate. 4: this made no sense. It was a fragmented thought. It should be its own sentence, as well. "I had never felt more satisfied or full than at that moment." or something to that effect.

Michael's cock erupted in my mouth and 1: that feeling returned, but this time, it 2: blossomed. 3: It was at that moment I realized my tragedy.

1: What feeling? 2: That feeling was the dread, I know. But dread doesn't blossom. It grows and festers. I causes fear and loathing. Blossomed is for flowers. 3: Too many words. Throw in a "suddenly" and you have your excitement.

Memories of my husband and children returned 1: in a flash- memories of my spontaneous desertion.

1: In a flash is sort of bad form. It also doesn't give the impact you want. You want those memories to "crash" in upon her.

I let loose a muffled scream 1: and my lovers loosened their grip. I crumbled onto the bed 2: and Mike's cum blasted across my face.

1: Throw in a period and start a new sentence. 2: Throw in a comma and then "mikes cum blasting across my face" or worse "Mikes cum blasting across my face, poluting my being". This is a moment of dread. Fill it in.

I cried in a pool of cum as I accepted my horrible mistake.

Was it a pool of cum or was she dripping the horrible evidence of her actions? Did she accept her mistake or did it stab at her soul?

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[b]They call it a fugue state1: . Dropping your life and starting anew, without realizing it.

1: I do believe this should be a colon and not a period. Grammar Nazi, am I right? This is not my specialty.

I'm Reverend Sarah Kent. For six years I lived as Veronica, the willing fuck-slave of Michael and Michelle Lee. I love my family, but my craving for defilement tears at my mind1: , and I feel myself slipping back into that life of perfect sin...

1: There is that comma and an "and". That is your biggest weakness, I think. Your love of and is going to steal your thunder if you let it. Stop that sentence and give me something more dreamy for this ending.

Okay, I beat this up pretty good. I should have beat up a lot of these things before. So, don't go beating yourself up over my comments. You have a knack for created a good scene and, as I mentioned before, I like this one a lot.

Stop using "and" all the time and stop throwing in commas with every conjunction. If you want to create a notion of haste, emergency, excitement - well, you shorten things. You make them choppy.
You connect with commas, not conjunctions.

You connect with commas and not conjunctions.

Good stuff, over all, though.