Thank you for all the comments.

I think the main problem underlying it all is that I have difficulty knowing how much physical description to give, and more importantly, when. I tried to mete out information as I went through the scene without resorting to large blocks of exposition. Also at issue was the fact that near everything about John's appearance are things that Erica long ago started ignoring; they've been married eight years, so she won't think about all of his physical features constantly.

I still agree that the story needs more physical description, though I don't know if I can save the basic structure, or do a full rewrite. Can I post further assignments before posting an updated version of this?

Oh, and he was supposed to be naked when he was fucking her; further changes will reflect that. His 'redressing himself loosely' near the end is him putting his fancy clothes back on, not bothering to zip his pants or button his shirt, as he leaves to take care of other matters inside their house.