Robert, did you bother reading any of the authors I suggested to you or did you just have your pitty party and then make a quick revision of the story?
Ya know, one of the things I am known here for is being brutally frank. I am not going to tell you that you are great when you suck. I am not going to tell you that something has potential when it has none. If I say I like any portion of what you write you can be damned certain I did.
You say you write poetry and a blog. Do you want to write a blog with "LOL" and "bcoz" and all the silly little intenet shorthand shit that goes with it or do you really want to write? If you really want to write you have to take your lumps and you have to learn to write. It sure doesn't come overnight. Hell, Mad still can't spell the word "truly" without throwing in a limp "e". But Mad is one of the best writers the Library has seen.
What I want to see, Robert, is for you to take time. Not an hour or a day - but time. Make it a week. Go through some other author's works. Go through the block and read what people have written and what we have hammered on. Then, go through your story. Take some time. Then tell us the story so we can understand it. Not so you understand it - but so we can.
I promise you that comparing your structure to the structure of other authors will help. Give it a shot and don't be so fucking down on yourself. I used to suck at writing. Now I actually have fans. Two fans. And a snake.