Robertpaullocke's 3rd Assignment

[Dragon's muse]

Again a great basic idea, but the execution falls apart.

1. You jump back and forth from present to past tense. Makes for a difficult read.

2. The capitalization of random words is distracting.

The characters are nicely developed, but your grammar and syntax need lots of polishing.

Your next assignment will be up in a day or two.

The Great Seduction
By Robert Locke



“ What Do (no need to capitalize here) I have to do to seduce you John?” (New paragraph here) John looks at his friend Amy in the eyes and he really has no answer to give. “ I don’t know Amy. I never have been seduced, before. I mean look at me. I am not the kind of guy that is seduced. That stuff is for good looking guys.” (New paragraph here) Amy knows what he means, but it does nothing but irritate her. Amy wishes that (delete) she can tell John that she finds him very seductive. Granted John is not attractive like all the men she has dated before but Amy really likes John. Amy (She) is 34-year-old single mother of a 7-month-old baby girl by the name of Anna. Amy met John (They met) through their Church about two years ago. She was brand new and Amy (delete) had no friends in the city. Amy had just gotten her divorce finalized when (Amy's divorce had just been finalized;she thought moving to Kansas would make it easier on her and her new Baby (no cap needed). It was on A Cool (no caps)October Sunday Morning, just like today, when she saw him. John was having problems carrying his (plate at the)after mass luncheon that the ladies put on every other Sunday after Mass (delete)so that the members can get to know each other. Amy began helping him right away. John does have a slight case of cerebral palsy. Amy had her baby in her car seat on her table where she is the only one there. Amy brings John to her Table (no caps) and they sat there quietly eating. Amy is now looking into Johns Green (no caps) eyes. Today both John and Amy (they) are at her house and (replace with a comma) sitting at her kitchen table. John looks around the kitchen, then at (deeply into) Amy’s Blue (no caps)eyes…. John looks deeply into Amy’s crystal blue eyes. (delete) John cannot understand why such a beautiful , perfect woman like her (delete) is with him.
“ Amy, have I told you I love you, lately?” (New paragraph here.) Amy blushes as if she is sixteen years old. “ No…. Not Since yesterday.” She reaches over and kisses John on the lips. John feels electricity shooting through him. As the two (they)kiss, each of them, (delete) feel sensations that can only be described, as (delete)a raging fire. When the two pairs of lips meet together though (delete) the kiss, it self (one word), last (lasts) but a few minutes, to these two, though, (but) the kiss (it)can last forever and they would not have (delete) mind. If you would have Told (no cap) John that he was going to be kissing, a Ten, in his eyes, he would of (have) laughed in your face. The feel of (delete)her soft lips feels (feel) like the sweetness of cotton candy. John likes the feel of a woman’s lips. Whether, they are smooth as glass or aged like a well-weathered porch deck. To John, (delete) kissing a woman’s lips is a magical experience to him, because it does not happen as much as he would like. To be (delete)kissing a sexy woman like Amy is like Haley’s comet. It may happen to John every 100 years. A once, in a lifetime experience that must be experienced. After the Kiss (no cap) the ovens timer goes off. Amy gets up and she (delete) walks to the oven. John can smell the (The smell of)chicken breasts with a touch of mint and orange zest filling up (fills) the house. Amy knew that to really win Johns heart is to make a dish that she knows that will win his heart.(This sentence makes no sense.) Therefore, she decided that she would make him a dinner with some of his favorite ingredients and spices. She caramelized mint sugar with limejuice (two words). She knew that she had to really influence him tonight. She made him (his)favorite side dishes as well. During the meal, John finds himself making as much of a mess as Anna does when she eats. The only difference is that he is 42 (spell it out). As his battle between enjoying a great meal and not getting messy for John is Lost (no caps) because he kept getting his t-shirt all dirty.
Amy knew this would happen because it has happened a many of times; they have had dinner together so she had plenty of napkins waiting for this occasion. Knowing, that they were going to be having BBQ together she brought out the wet naps. As John started to clean off his beard and mustache with the wet naps, He (no caps) started to feel as if he is cleaning his dogs after they had a run into the mud. Amy begins to take over because the motherly instincts start to show. As the cleaning continues, Amy is seeing in John’s eyes, (delete)something, (delete) that she want to see in a man. Some one who is willing to let her take care of him. Some one who needs taking care of them (delete) not in a mother taking care of a young son, but some one (one word)who needs her, (delete) help. Some one who needs her to be there for them, as there (their) care giver.
“ So what is for after dinner, Amy dear?” John gives her his big blue eyes. (this really gives sort of a creepy visual)
“ Me.” Amy whispers into Johns ear. (New paragraph here) When John hears that one single word in his ear John says.
“ That I believe, my dear, can seduce me.”