I've always gone with the feeling that BDSM is no different to a vanilla relationship in that there are different levels to progress through.

Casual play is all very well, in the same way that one night stands can satisfy sexual urges, but it does not always completely fulfill desires. For that you need more trust, more experience of another person, more understanding of their needs and, in short, a richer and fuller relationship.

This sort of thing takes time to build, of course. Even once you find 'The One' for you, it will still take years to build up through the levels of the relationship to the point where you trust each other enough to give over complete control and truly feel that you are owned.

I suppose you are interested in a Dom/sub relationship but are not a fetishist. Not uncommon in the scene, I suppose, but an awful lot of people I know in this scene (including myself) also have a fetish for the toys and leather. As Tourguide says, these are only the icing on the cake, though, and a good Master or Mistress can control with nothing more than their voice.

One question you have to ask is: Does the thought of not pleasing your Dom make you feel ill inside? Also, do you fear losing them? These feelings are really the true punishment for wrongful actions by a sub, the physical punishments are merely the reminder and the training tool to emphasise that feeling. If you do not feel like this when you disobey then you are not being truly submissive to that person, merely playing (which is all very well for many and nothing I would criticise but not what YOU want in this case).