All right ya swabby! I have been in the effin military.
So suck in that gut, shoulders back, chest out, chin high and listen up!!

Your right!

OK I said it! only gonna say it once so hang on to that one.
Some thing has changed and not in the good way. Yes you listened to our nits and pickin' and did a little tightening up but something got lost. From the title to the Admiral sitting back in her chair you've added 400 words and removed some of the original crispness and suspense from the intro.

It almost seems like you've tweaked it too much. Sorry I'm not able to pin it down better than that, but you've got good instincts you'll figure it out. Set it aside for now.

Little gripes,
stop using 'at' before each time; it will help. (instead of "drop on planet initiated at 1300 EST (0342 local) " go to "drop on planet initiated 1300 EST (0342 local)") it adds to the data spitting rhythm of a military report.

Lt Jana Hunter of the combat shuttle would never say "The makeup of my crew was three male and two female, including myself." an officer, especially a female commanding any size contingent would know better than to think that way. She might refer to herself and Electronics Technician Keller as the two female crew members as she does in the next sentence thus eliminating the redundancy.

Yup you made the pirates nastier.

Now part of the problem might be you've started trying to explain things in the intro or just started adding wiggle room for where the story might be headed. I do like what you've added to the story. Maybe you should be plowing ahead with it and coming back to the tweaking part only when you get stuck or after you're nearly done.

In any event you should be putting some regular set aside time into this effort as the weeks roll by. I like to think this level is more about honing the creative process than working on technical skills. (just don't tell the Dragon's muse) The creative process is a lonely endeavor so be leery of strange advice from strangers. Trust thyself, but know how to ask for help.

Take care and keep us posted,

Mad Lews