Big bear hugs, honey. I have my lovely bear(straight, sorry) and I understand. I like big cuddly men myself. 6'7", 300 lbs, I should have him lose weight, but I'm always so half-hearted about it. I like him a bit fluffy.

As to cursing the BDSM portion, I know brian does. Usually when we're on different pages. He's a marshmallow and takes everything to heart, blames himself, etc.

Me, mrs tough girl, tends to have a "get over it" attitude that doesn't always fly.

You are who you are. Navel gazing and wishing you could change things rarely gets you anywhere. Have a bias for PLANNED action.

Good luck, honey, you seem a sweetie, I'm sure you can find someone looking for a good boy.

EAB