Long term relationship then realizing you are submissive

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Thanks for sharing your story his_j

I think my story probably depicts what happens when your partner does not share your attraction to BDSM and what happens when you both don't communicate effectively.
And sorry it is rather long, and choppy.

I have been with my boyfriend for about 19 years now. We live a pretty normal existence in my opinion, and have only had two major fights within that span. We probably get along well seeing that we work opposite shifts, and since I started a new job three years ago, we only really see each other on the weekends.

Even though both of us never fully realized it, I have always been submissive around him, by doing small things that made him happy and proud that I was his girlfriend.
Doing these things made me happy and always wanting to do more.
He in turn helped me to overcome my insecurities and become a more independent and productive person.

The only real problem I ever had within the relationship was sex. I found it boring,and assumed I had hang-ups I just could not understand. I worked hard at trying to enjoy what I had but always wanted more.
Maybe because of my upbringing, sex was a taboo subject and was never discussed. My boyfriend and I rarely discussed it either. And when we did, it was very brief and I would do my best to skirt the issues. I never initiated sex, and he would at times be frustrated with that.

My fantasies and desires, of bondage and pain, have been with me for as long as I can remember. Never knowing about BDSM or kinky sex for that matter, led me to believe that my thoughts were deviant and should be suppressed. It also did not help that I was diagnosed with OCD and have pure-o, so I assumed that my thoughts on sex were just another part of it.
(Only pure-o’s are repulsed and would never act out their own thoughts. I wanted to act out my fantasies and they were pleasant to think about; that confused me even more.)

Later on I began to discover that there was a whole other world out there that accepted kinky and deviant. It was a normal to fantasize and even normal to act out some of those fantasies.
It was when my boyfriend one day casually pointed out an ex-girlfriend to me and proceeded to tell me that she like to be tied up, and that it was definitely not his cup of tea; my heart sank.
Being tied up was something I wanted, but without even knowing I wanted it, he had already answered a question I was trying to work up the nerve to ask.

I suppressed all urges and tried to move on. It was about that time that we eventually started to grow and change, not entirely in different directions, but enough to make a bit of a difference. All of a sudden he withdrew from sex, and while I did ask he never gave me a definite reason, and still to this day I do not know why.
I assumed it was all my fault, and became despondent.

I stopped trying and started to become lethargic, only getting up in the morning to go to work, do the necessary housework and then nothing else at all.
I eventually smartened up and started to become a little more functional. I started to explore BDSM even more and ended up living vicariously through others experiences and stories.

I met a few people on line who attempted to help me through my struggles, but could do little at the time. I wanted to communicate my needs to my boyfriend and let him know what made me tick and what I wanted from him. I was uncertain how to approach the subject, so I inadvertently let him see what sites I was on and what I enjoyed looking at.
He could not comprehend how anyone could enjoy or be attracted to any aspect of my interests; so my plan to encourage him to try out a few things was squashed on the spot.


My boyfriend became more intimate with me, but I now started to withdraw from him, and figured that as long as he was happy and satisfied, I did not need him to satisfy me.
If he did not enjoy what I did, and he would not try, I felt I did not have to try. I realize that it was not the best thing to do, but seeing no other alternative; I made the decision and stuck with it.
Eventually he became irritated, and I ended up withdrawing even more.
Through small confrontations, he coaxed the whole problem out of me. He could not understand or grasp the appeal or the attraction to what I wanted.

So there I was in a long term relationship, with someone whom I cared deeply about, but could see no future of exploring BDSM, or anything even remotely on the kinky side.
The more I learned about my submissive side, the more I realized that I longed to explore and express it further, and the more I knew it was not going to just go away that easily.


I tried to alleviate my needs on line, but fear of intimacy with anyone else wrecked any possibilities of that happening. I was not satisfied with an online relationship, because I wanted to experience it in real life.

I again became depressed and unmotivated to make any positive changes.
I was once again confronted and tried my best to explain why and how I felt. We only discussed it briefly and he agreed to try.
There was never again another discussion, but he attempted to appease me with what he wanted, and not what I expressed what I wanted.

He likes to pinch and that is about what we have done for the past four months. I have tried to offer him books to read, but he says he will in time.
I would like to sit down and have a conversation, but seeing that our time together is limited, we never get around to it. I may be wrong, but I do believe that he avoids the issue and hopes it will go away, that it is just a passing phase I will eventually get over.

For now, I have made an effort to get out of the funk I have created for myself, because I cannot make the situation any better by becoming more withdrawn and sullen.
I cannot just leave, because we do share a special bond together, but I cannot just stay and be unhappy or settle because that is neither fair to him or myself.

I hope that by having a more positive outlook on things, it may in turn be helpful to our current situation, and help towards communicating more with each other.

I do know that giving up is not really an option I am willing to do right now, and will continue to try until I know that there is absolutely nothing left that I can do.

How I am going to keep on trying is something I am still trying to figure out.