What Does Our submission Do For You??

[Cage]

... Not so much what do you get out of being a Dom/me, but what do you get out of our submission?

One of the defining characteristics of mammals is cuddling and physical contact as a means of social interaction and bonding. I'm not a person who forms true connections lightly. I'm not a person who participates in that mammalian behavior a whole lot.

When someone submits to me, I get the opportunity to experience that connection on my terms. They are indicating that they value me enough that they are willing to expose a hidden part of themself. They want to feel my touch on that part of themself and they trust me enough to let me in. They want to feel my touch on my terms -- in whatever way I see fit. When I reach in and stroke that part, I am indicating that I value them enough to accept the burden of the responsibility for their wellbeing and I am demonstrating that I value them enough that I want to explore them more deeply.

Yes, it feels powerful. Yes, it makes me feel like more than a king to have someone want to serve me for no other reason than I am who I am -- just because this person feels like giving me everything she has is the right thing for her to do. Yes, it feels great to have some demonstrate that much trust in you.

But really, it's about a deep connection made on my terms. It's about sharing an intense experience -- trading a little bit of my human essence in exchange for someone else's. For me, it's about being a mammal.

... What about when we are pleasing? When we disappoint you? ...

When you are pleasing, I am proud and impressed by your creativity and commitment. I am aroused by your desire to please and inclined to reward you and then challenge you to go even further.

When you disappoint, it is a weight on my shoulders. I am not one who must force discipline on someone for my own fulfillment. If a sub needs that, then I see that as a service I provide in return for their submission. I see that as one of my contributions to the relationship.

I have certain things I expect from people with whom I share any part of my life, even if it's just an acquaintance. I expect to be treated with respect and honesty and all of those typical things. I am not about to try to enforce those things on a sub through rules or discipline. If someone does not meet those expectations, then they are simply not welcome in my life. No amount of corporal punishment or domination will change that. If I do enforce real, serious rules on someone, they are going to be rules that that person wishes to follow. In that context, I am just loaning them my strength and will to help them be the person they want to be. If they disappoint me in that context, then they have let themselves down. I don't take any joy in that.

Maybe I'm just taking the word "disappointed" too seriously. I would only really be disappointed if someone was being dishonorable, abusive or something like that. If a sub snaps at me or has some other normal human lapse that violates my rules, I'm very unlikely to be disappointed. I may be annoyed or angry, but it's very unlikely that I would be disappointed. Annoyed or angry are sometimes fun, sometimes not. That just depends on the situation.

... When we top from the bottom? ...

That's a sticky point for me. I hate it. I hate it more than I'd like, and so I try roll with it. But my first inclination is to call the whole thing off. Anything that smells of attempted manipulation sets me off. And yet I know that certain types and levels of manipulation are as human as can be and don't necessarily come from a bad place. I'm just insulted that someone would think they could get one over on me like that, and so it's almost the same as if the attempted manipulator had just stood up and said, "I think you're an idiot. Now go make me a sandwich."

But in my experience, most attempts at topping from the bottom are pretty harmless. A sub might "accidentally" break the position you ordered her to hold because she's in the mood for a little punishment. But the thing is: the only thing that's better than forcing someone to do something they think or pretend they don't want is when you push them to the point that they revel in it and beg for it. So if someone's in the mood for a little punishment or humiliation, I want them to ask me for it. I want them to say it out loud, so that they can hear it. I want them to need it so badly that they are willing to work for it and prostrate themselves for it. I want them to push their superego aside and let their id rampage. I want their ego to sit there and watch, horrified -- and yet, oddly aroused -- so that when it's all over their conflicting inner voices have come a little bit closer to understanding each other.

So something as effortless as "accidentally" breaking a rule or being a brat just isn't an acceptable shortcut around all of that.