BDSM & Marital and Emotional Infidelities

[woodsman'sgame]

If you are a true submissive through and through, then doing what your spouse wants and making him/her happy should be your real goal. Your desires should be secondary to his or hers. True submision involves serving and catering to your spouse. It's not about getting you off and making you happy. It's about making him or her happy. There are a few submissive women in my little rural community in vanilla relationships who just don't realize that they are submissives. The only thing that is missing that would make this submission public is that they usually walk beside their husbands instead of 3 paces behind. <grin>

Now, if what you want is BDSM sex or if you are a Dom/Domme and your spouse is not at all submissive, then the situation is different. A vanilla relationship cannot be satisfactory to you. What to do there? I agree with Mr. Jerseyguy in that infidelity is infidelity. Lying to your partner cannot be good for any relationship. If you are stuck in a vanilla relationship, cyber sex is a safe outlet for these BDSM desires and does not pose a big threat to a marriage, but doing it behind a partner's back is something I would not recommend.

I understand that for some people this lifestyle is so important that having to live outside it would make them very unhappy. If you discover (or as in my case finally give in to and accept) these desires after many years of marriage and your spouse does not go along with them, then you have to choose between your own desires and the happiness of the rest of your family. It all boils down to how selfless you are and/or what your priorities are as well as how strong your need is for BDSM.

I was lucky in that my lifetime partner accepted my desires at this stage in our marriage and is willing to fulfill them. I feel badly for those who aren't so lucky and have to face such difficult choices.


Katmandu, throughout the ages, women who were unfaithful have been killed, maimed, etc. Before Christianity ever existed there were dire consequences for infidelity, but only for women. Men were not expected to be faithful to only one woman until Christianity came along. In many non-Christian and "Christian" societies this double standard still applies. So "just do it" is the thinking that many men have followed all along, but heaven help the woman who just did it!