Ok, well lets start there...

How can you love someone and the next second whip them?

If you love someone then making them happy makes you happy... Giving them what they want makes them happy... Whipping them makes them happy.... there by making you happy.

But thats a very very short version of it. And thats really only applies to masochists and sadists, and they make up only a some of the BDSM people.

What is sounds to me like is that you are fighting stereotyping and what you consider "Taboo". What one person thinks is freaky, another will think is kinky, and yet another will think that of it as day to day.

Coming to terms with what turns you on is only the first step. But to answer you real questions, there is no answer, they just do.