I know you posted this in the Master thread, but here are my thoughts from the subbie perspective.

First of all....which is generally my advice for everything.....you need to sit down and talk to her. Tell her how it makes you feel. Let her know that you need her to be more supportive as you learn.

From your description it sounds like one of two things are happening. Either she isn't comfortable in her submission yet (or at all), or she is trying to test you. The only way to figure out which is to talk to her. For me, I tend to be rather fiesty as well (*pauses for gasps of surprise*) and I need a strong Dom to keep me in check. And I am guilty of pushing the line from time to time just to make sure it is still there.

However, if you two are committed to each other, and to making this work, you need to talk to her and tell her you need her on side with you.

The reason why "Dom conduct" is vague is because it is different for everyone. Unfortunately, there is no instruction manual, and everyone has to find their own way. And how she reacts is going to be different too. For me, if someone yells at me, I want to yell back. But quiet scolding puts me into place really fast. But that's just me.

Anyone who tells you "this is the right way to Dom" or "you have to do x, y, and z to be in real BDSM" is either a poser, or an idiot. Or both.

However you decide to go about things, next to communication the most important thing is consistancy. Stick to your guns. Don't let her talk you out of a punishment. It won't do you or her any favours. Following through will help you build confidence, and will teach her that you mean business.

She may have been correct in pointing out that punishing her by not playing punished you as well. But you can always point out to her that her behaviour is causing that situation.....as a sub, knowing i have disappointed Him is just about the worst punishment there is.

Once I wasn't allowed to play because I had forgotten to purchase an item He wanted to use. When I whined I was told "well, if I have to be disappointed, you can be too." And you better believe that I was. Disappointed in myself for disappointing him. It definitely taught me a valuable lesson.

This has become a good deal more rambling than I had planned, but I hope you find at least some of it helpful.

-lily