Should I be mad when the first that comes out of a Doms' mouth is about BDSM/sex?

[bambina]

This is something that really puts me off (and also why I'm having such difficulty finding a Dom). I really hate it when a Dom just meets me (online, not in real life yet), and immediately brings up BDSM. As in, what I'm into, what I've done, what I look like, etc. They don't know a thing about me. Not my Name. Not where I'm from. Not what I like (outside of BDSM like movies, music, foods). They make me feel like a sex object. And not in a good way either because sex-objects are a dime a dozen. All women can have sex. If a man values me for the sexual favors I can provide him (rather than my winning personality and my insatiable curiosity) then I become expendable. If he doesn't get what he wants from me then he'd just move on to someone else. And I am just another whore to him. I don't want it to be that way. On the other hand, maybe we'll get to personality and likes and dislikes later on. But...then that means he's prioritizing BDSM and sex over personality. I dunno.

I just want to know whether or not my feelings about this are reasonable. I mean, I understand that this lifestyle is much different than a vanilla lifestyle. In a Vanilla relationship, if you're with someone whom you love being around then that's enough for both parties to be content. But not when in comes to BDSM relationships. Personality is not enough. That's why we are here. We HAVE to have someone that we are compatible with in this lifestyle. Even if we found someone who was the coolest, kindest, most fun person to ever be around, if he or she is not the role you want them to be (i.e you are both subs or both Doms) then a relationship wouldn't really work out.

So, on a certain level, I understand WHY it's so important to so many people to see 'first' if they have the potential to take things further. Still, does that mean that we push personality and likes/dislikes out of the way until 'later'? Still, personality is just as vital. A BDSM relationship can't function without compatible personalities either. What makes BDSM/sex more important?

Is it too much to ask for the same courtesies one would get if they met me on the street? Even if a guy were at a club on a mission to get laid that night, he wouldn't go up to a girl and immediately ask her if she takes it up the ass. No. He'd say hi. maybe buy her a drink. compliment her on her appearance. Ask her about herself. You know, make small talk before getting to the nitty gritty. Regardless of a guys intentions, they try to be a LITTLE courteous in real life.

But, like I said, maybe I'm asking for too much. Maybe that's just not the way things work online because, after all, we ARE here for certain reasons that revolve around bdsm and sex and these reasons are so important to the point where a vanilla relationship cannot do. Is this just one of those things that I have to tolerate and pretty much expect from the guys who message me? If that is the case then I can adjust because what I'm doing now certainly isn't working lol.

[sadiej]

I understand some of your frustration Bambina. I am not offended when a Dom begins a conversaiton with pointed questions about my likes and dislikes in BDSM. It is an important part of the connection between a Dom and sub, but you are right... it's not the only thing that should connect us.

I am more offended when that is all they are interested in. When meeting a new Dom it's kind of a process of elimination to see if you are even remotely compatible.

Men are somewhat more task oriented than most women. So they will usually go for the "facts" first rather than the more relationship connection. Their checklist would start with the BDSM compatabilities and go from there.

1) do you like the things i do? 2) do we have similiar thoughts and desires in a D/s relationship? 3) character and personality traits

I would be more wary and untrusting of the Dom that doesn't want to know more about you once the preliminaries are taken care of. I have to feel a sense of connection, trust and respect for a Dom before I can play with them. And one that does not want me for my intelligence and spirit is one that I would pass by gladly anyways.

So, although a little frustrating, remember this is a BDSM connection that you are looking to make, so it is a big part of the compatability test. If you are not into the same things, even though he may think you incredible woman... you are still not the right sub for him and therefore he is not the right Dom for you.

[Flaming_Redhead]

I have NO desire to get to know someone romantically until I'm sure we're on the same wavelength as far as BDSM is concerned. There is no amount of liking someone as a person that could make me want to be with him if, say, he LIVES for...poly. I would not ask him to give that up for me, but neither am I going to all of a sudden decide to do it just for him. It doesn't make the other stuff any less important in the long run if you're looking for a serious relationship, but I just don't see the point in wasting each other's time.

[DesertDom]

well, you are on a bdsm forum, aren't you?

[hopperboo]

You know...I get frustrated about this too.

Myself and another having a nice conversation and then, oh gee, surprising I just got PMed to cyber.

It's really annoying. (To me anyways).

[blythe spirit]

Mad, maybe not... wouldn't want you to go crazy over someone elses inability to communicate properly. lol Indignant, maybe.

There are so many players out there that only want to "get off" whilst you're devulging your deepest, darkest interests in the lifestyle. You can certainly convey your likes without going into detail. Obviously, we all want to connect with another, who is bdsm compatible. So,without asking questions, how does one know if compatibility will be an issue?

Perhaps you should take a bit more time with these Doms. After telling them your general interests, see what transpires. Usually, the wannabes show their true colors within a few sentences. Like asking "What's your bra size." lol

Getting mad and clicking them off before you've really given them a chance is diminishing your possibilities of someone who might be right for you. Afterall we're not all great communicators and it might be that when you're approached, the Dom is just nervous. Can happen, no?

[bambina]

It was a question desert Dom. I don't need you to judge me for it please.

sadie, that makes sense. I like your response (as well as a few others). I suppose it wouldn't be right to dismiss a man for bringing up BDSM or sex in the first minute. I guess there is technically nothing wrong with it. After all, it is important. Plus (as someone told me in a PM) it's a good way to break the ice because it's the one topic you know you'll have in common with the other person. DesertDom, it may be BDSM site but that doesn't mean that taking certain courtesies when talking to someone automatically go out the window. I don't care if I'm at a strip club. I want a man to take a genuine interest in ME. Not in my crotch, butt, or mouth.

[DesertDom]

It was a question desert Dom. I don't need you to judge me for it please.

Not judging you at all. Giving you a logical first opinion based on where you are at.

If you are on a sports forum, people ask about sports, if you are on a crocheting forum, people will approach and ask about crocheting. And if you set up a profile on a bdsm forum, your kinks are naturally going to be a conversation starter.

If you want someone to "get to know you first", please be clear about that in your profile. Of course, that is not going to stop the pm's from those who want to play and beleive in the quantity theory, but it should help those who read your profile a bit.

[Ozme52]

It was a question desert Dom. I don't need you to judge me for it please.

...and yet, it sounds more like a rant with a few rhetorical questions thrown in.

If you can't deal with someone disagreeing with you, don't start these kinds of threads.

well, you are on a bdsm forum, aren't you?

In what universe was this a judgement of you?

[Ragoczy]

If you're looking for a long-term partner, then getting to know someone personally first is important; if you're looking for a play-partner, not so much.

So are you being clear in what you're interested in pursuing?

When I was looking for a casual play-partner, I started with the BDSM interests; if I were looking for someone long-term, there'd be more of a mix, heavily weighted toward personality and life-goals at the start.

[bambina]

I suppose. you just sound so evil when you say it. I don't like the idea but I know that the idea isn't wrong. When in Rome. Still, I suppose I wanted to be among people who would take it upon themselves to introduce themselves and be courteous regardless of their intentions. I may not specify exactly what I want but I would think that that's all the more reason to be courteous upon meeting me (since one does not know what I want).

I have very high regard for this site and the people on it. Never have I been part of such a polite, organized, understanding community. But this is one aspect of it that irks me. I can't expect the site to be perfect I suppose. And the guys who behave this way aren't exactly wrong. They are just tapping at my pet peeve.

[DesertDom]

I suppose. you just sound so evil when you say it. I don't like the idea but I know that the idea isn't wrong. When in Rome. Still, I suppose I wanted to be among people who would take it upon themselves to introduce themselves and be courteous regardless of their intentions. I may not specify exactly what I want but I would think that that's all the more reason to be courteous upon meeting me (since one does not know what I want).

I have very high regard for this site and the people on it. Never have I been part of such a polite, organized, understanding community. But this is one aspect of it that irks me. I can't expect the site to be perfect I suppose. And the guys who behave this way aren't exactly wrong. They are just tapping at my pet peeve.

In thinking about this a bit, in general women have to endure a lot of odd comments and suggestions and being stared at just walking down the street, sitting in a restaurant and so on.

Given the representative population of a slightly non mainstream fourm, why should it be any different here? And given with how we are bombarded with nude women in suggestive positions on every page, how does that help one who comes to talk ?

If your not interested in playing via chat, make your intentions known right off. Probably the best you can do if you intend to hang around.

[rsjankowski]

sometimes blunt and to the point does sound evil, or just harsh, but it is effectifve, and it's true, men are task oriented. and i've had a friend who would just say to a girl, lets go have sex, and he would walk out with her, used to tick me off that he made it look that easy, so lets try this, hi my name is robert, i'm your possible dom for the evening, you look absolutely georgous this evening, mixed drink? how do you like it? where did you say you were from? what sports do you prefer, and how well are your teams doing, outside of bdsm what do you like? ... ... As a guy i'm pretty much down to earth, i know everyone has feelings and the whole this is who i am, but sometimes i like to be just to the point which sometimes just comes out so arrogant to people and thats just not me at all. i'm not really good with starting a conversation face to face and lord knows i've mande a fool of my self plenty of times, but once people get to know me, they know most of how i say things is just sometimes tken wrong and look behind the tone to get to what was actually said. so i feel your pain in that aspect.

[thir]

This is something that really puts me off (and also why I'm having such difficulty finding a Dom). I really hate it when a Dom just meets me (online, not in real life yet), and immediately brings up BDSM. As in, what I'm into, what I've done, what I look like, etc.

I understand your annoyance at this. I do not think there is any harm in wanting people who can talk about other things than sex and BDSM, and who grasp that you need a bit of a look at the person behind these interests.

thir

[X]

i personaly am not one of those who ask about kinks right away nor do i realy talk about them at all here if im honest. but their are lots of very nice very normal people who come here to "get off" and I say good luck to them. they have every right to do that. just like you have every right to come here and have a normal conversation. I'm sure it "irks" them that you pigeon hole them all as perverts or genraly look down on them. perhaps next time you could just tell them your not interested. im sure then they would be very respectful and understand totaly. try it.

[Whisperz]

i have gotten annoyed at this a couple of times myself...it just seems to me that, if ten minutes into the convo, they know whether or not we have something in common, and they still only seem interested in instant gratification, then they are not for me. i completely understand that it is a huge waste of time if the dom and i are not at all compatible in our likes and dislikes, however, after that preliminary part of the convo is over i like to see a dom ask me about myself and what i enjoy doing outside of BDSM. sex and BDSM are personal for me, and i just am not able to do either with just any random person. i want to know something about the man behind the screen name and i like to get to know him a bit first, it makes me feel more comfortable. not that i am knocking anyone who is looking for "instant gratification", to each their own in my opinion. that is how they are wired, and i am wired a bit differently is all... usually if i am not interested and i say so, they will move on...

Whisperz

[Guest110308]

Bambina
First of all, i would like to take the time for thanking you for starting this thread. When i began my exploration of my submissive side (am a switchie). As others have stated, people come to the chat room and the forums for a various reasons. Some are seeking a short term cyber pal. Some are seeking a long term submissive/Master/Miss. Now, i have chatted on this site, with quite a few dominants who were interested in who i was. The whole of me, wanting to know about my interests if they were bdsm related or not. I find for myself, the ones that ask about who you are as a person, before exploring/asking about your bdsm fetishes are the best type of Sir/Ma'am's. And most likely the best one suited for you and vice versa.
I do hope that you find what you are seeking.
huggles

[Daumon]

<< I really hate it when a Dom just meets me (online, not in real life yet), and immediately brings up BDSM. As in, what I'm into, what I've done, what I look like, etc. They don't know a thing about me. Not my Name. Not where I'm from. Not what I like (outside of BDSM like movies, music, foods). They make me feel like a sex object. >>

The internet is the Microwave of releationship. people would rather jump in and ask the comaptability questions related to the reason they are here. They dont want to spend time getting to know someone before getting to questions about the 'juicy parts.' Very wrong headed but thats how many people act

<<< If a man values me for the sexual favors I can provide him (rather than my winning personality and my insatiable curiosity) then I become expendable. If he doesn't get what he wants from me then he'd just move on to someone else. And I am just another whore to him. >>>

Many peopel see the net as a fast disposable way to fill time. A place to meet exciting and interesting people and jumping inot a quick and easy play time or relationship with. They see online as fast , easy and disposable. unlike real life you simple go offline and the issues you have can be put aside and ignored. if its too much troble you walk away and never look back. So all they look for is someone to spend easy safe tim e with and who they can leave behind without too much pain on their part.

<<< Is it too much to ask for the same courtesies one would get if they met me on the street? Even if a guy were at a club on a mission to get laid that night, he wouldn't go up to a girl and immediately ask her if she takes it up the ass. No. He'd say hi. maybe buy her a drink. compliment her on her appearance. Ask her about herself. You know, make small talk before getting to the nitty gritty. Regardless of a guys intentions, they try to be a LITTLE courteous in real life. >>>

The chat rooms are ment to be the proper setting to promote the social courtesy of RL. Its hard for some people to stike up those polite conversations in RL. when I cannot buy you a drink or complent you on your hair, dress, or charming looks you have to be able to find things about the person from their conversations in chat. To amy people lack the skills to read people well in RL or online. So they dont connect wellthat way. some just dont have a clue about opeing a proper conversdation. and agains some just dont want to take the time.

Personally, If someone opens with boring, pointless or offensive remoraks then be thankful that they make your job easier. They show you quickly they are not the sort of person you are looking for. their lack of interest save you they time of finding out they are bad matches. Yes its annoying and frsutrationg to meet people who treat you like that. better to have them remove themselves from your selection list all by themselves. It makes it easier to spot the ones that take the time, listen and ask the right questions.

Daumon

[fellintobed]

Personally, If someone opens with boring, pointless or offensive remoraks then be thankful that they make your job easier. They show you quickly they are not the sort of person you are looking for. their lack of interest save you they time of finding out they are bad matches. Yes its annoying and frsutrationg to meet people who treat you like that. better to have them remove themselves from your selection list all by themselves. It makes it easier to spot the ones that take the time, listen and ask the right questions.

I wanted to quote this part of Daumon's reply because I agree with it 100%. I would also add that you have an additional option to try before you put someone on your mental ignore list: redirecting the conversation.

So you're in the chatroom, and you want to meet people to establish a connection - but your first interest is their personality and their first interest is your sexuality. Okay, fine. Run with it:

GUY IN CHAT: hi do you like being tied up and being caned?
BAMBINA: Hi Random Dom. I like to get to know people a bit before jumping right into sex talk. Where are you from?

How he responds will tell you what you need to know - i.e. is he contacting you because he wants to know about YOU, or is he contacting you because you're female and in the chatroom. It might take a few messages back and forth, but you should be able to tell fairly quickly where he's coming from, and THEN you can make the calm, non-angry decision on whether to keep chatting or end the conversation.

[Walker_In_The_Wild]

Your complaint is one of the most profound differences between a guy and a man.
The unfortunately all too common assumption that all males are the same and are only interested in fucking, sports and cars, stems from the guys that you are describing.
And there are so many of them.

(Note: There’s absolutely nothing wrong with the named interests, only the fanatical over-consumption of them. With perhaps an exception to fucking.

DesertDom did bring up a good point, and I understand and agree with his logic, but I do have a counter argument:
Yes, if you’re on a sports forum people will likely bring it up as an ice-breaker, but you’re dealing with a non-personal subject.

If you’re on a dating forum, talking to someone for the first time, bdsm forum, you’re on a very personal subject, and that subject does deserve at least a little respect.

So in response to your question, Bambina I wouldn’t be angry and I would accept that there are many different type of people in this world.

Just keep an eye out for the ones you want to be associated with.

[DesertDom]

DesertDom did bring up a good point, and I understand and agree with his logic, but I do have a counter argument:
Yes, if you’re on a sports forum people will likely bring it up as an ice-breaker, but you’re dealing with a non-personal subject.

If you’re on a dating forum, talking to someone for the first time, bdsm forum, you’re on a very personal subject, and that subject does deserve at least a little respect.

I really don't consider this a dating forum. To me, it is a bdsm themed forum in which the 'personals' section is presented as a small subset of the overall forum. There are also stories, images, experiences. etc sections. All bdsm themed, personals, again is just a small piece of the overall pie.

And given the overall suggestive nature ( the ads, images, etc) of every page that is viewed, some will get the impression that anything goes. I understand why the ads are there, but personally I feel that the site owners have gone way too far with them and have learned to simply ignore them. They don't make any click-through money on me. Side topic, I digress.

bambina, it isn't just men who promote the quick orgasms here, I get approached at least once a day via private message or during chat from a woman (or a man pretending to be a woman) wanting to get it on, so to speak. I just tell them, I don't have time right now and move on.
Then there are those who come here for the quick orgasm and they keep coming back , so their needs must be met.

It's not one size fits all. So, it would probably be best if you decide to hang around to develop a response strategy for those whose interests don't fall in line with yours. It just isn't worth getting upset.

[Whisperz]

very well said Daumon....*smiles*

[miimii]

Thank you bambina for starting this thread. I feel your pain on this one. It makes it difficult for me as well to even try sometimes. My past experiences have made me feel as well that if you don't have it in you to take time getting to know as much of me as is possible in that situation, then don't bother. I am not interested in fucking/playing the first time I talk to you and maybe not the second or even third time! And no Sir you aren't my new Dom just because you are talking to me now!

I kind of think of it like this... In the vanilla world, not everyone is going to be for me and neither is everyone going to be for me here. I am slowly learning to be more patient with the folks that I meet and just maintain my standards for safety.

[rsjankowski]

amen, i believe you've got it, safety is key and patience is a vertue, both even cliche as it is are correct. it's a good thing i don't mind listening. i've found every girl loves that. how else am i going to know whom i am talking to and what they like, as much as i would love to be able to read women's minds , it's not possible, so asking the questions of personality , likes and dislikes, i can gear bdsm ideas around that to the enjoyment of the submissive. but i still would just love to be to the point about it. even the patient aren't always, sorry. still this thread has been a good one. would love to hear/read more.

[Ozme52]

Is it too much to ask for the same courtesies one would get if they met me on the street? Even if a guy were at a club on a mission to get laid that night, he wouldn't go up to a girl and immediately ask her if she takes it up the ass. No. He'd say hi. maybe buy her a drink. compliment her on her appearance. Ask her about herself. You know, make small talk before getting to the nitty gritty. Regardless of a guys intentions, they try to be a LITTLE courteous in real life.

You forget where you are. If you were in a photography club (or forum,) the first thing out of their mouths would be questions about your equipment. If you were in the kennel club... what kind of dog do you have? I belong to a motorcycle forum... and you know what? No one asks me about sex... or photography... or even my dog. They ask about motorcycles.

About the ONLY place where you get small talk is indeed the street... and that's only because those are the rules for the street... where there is no common ground to fall back on... so you get asked questions to establish common ground.

Don't try to change the rules just because this is happens to be a sexually oriented site.

[Beast]

while i understand u are not speaking about all Doms i was raeding ur thread and thinking how true she is .. i believe to be in a lifestyle relationship u must know about their day to day life as well its no point knowing someone sexually without knowing them personally. i understand as i live in the middle of nowhere and value normal adult chat as well as sexual adult chat as i rarley see an adult for weeks. i wish u luck in ur quest to find the one tc ... Beast

[AndreaDawne]

Bambina I can see where you are coming from on this too.
I get frustrated also. But then I moved on. Just say they aren't for me.
I think why people just ask you BDSM related questions then personal is because there are certain subs or doms they are looking for, depends who they are. Once they find something they think they "clicked" with then probably things would get a bit easier to get to the personal part. That's my opinion.
Hope you find someone suitable for you.

[bambina]

Ozme52, as Daumon pointed out, this is a personal site unlike sites that deal with Dogs, motorcyles, and music. And, on those sites, people aren't 'looking' for intimacy. whether they stumble upon it or not is their business, but I can safely say that people don't sign up on puppy forums to find fuck-mates. Don't you think finding a significant other (long term or short) is personal? On a Motorcycle site, you're not prying into one's personal life. You are simply looking for like-minded people. People on a Motorcycle site usually don't have any intention on meeting anyone. I'd love to see a conversation that says "Hey you have a BMW bike? 'I' have a BMW bike! Pull out your webcam. Lemme see it. Aw yea that's sweet. Now look at mine. Yea you like that huh? We should met so that I can see yours in person and touch and feel it and ride it." On a site like this, we take it a step forward.

As relaxed as society is about things of a sexual nature, sex is still taboo in some ways. And some people aren't use to talking about sex like that. But even if they were, that still wouldn't make a difference. Let's say a guy and a girl meet at a bar and click. Immediately they know they are going to have sex. They know the other person wants to have sex and they know that they both came there FOR sex. But do they say "Hey do you wanna come over to my place and have sex?" No. They say "Do you want to get out of here?" "Do you want to come over to may place for some coffee?" "Do you want to go to my place and hang out for a bit?" Or they both might stay silent and have an understanding of what's going to happen. Even if it's written all over each parties face, people don't talk about sex like that REGARDLESS of the atmosphere. We still use different terms to describe sex online, too. I know that all of you understand the term "fun" on a site like this. When you hear someone say "Wanna have some fun?" online you know what they are talking about and they are NOT talking about signing onto yahoo to play chess. Even on a site dedicated to things of a sexual variety, a lot of people still don't come out and say that they just want to have sex. Some might. But most don't. And those few 'some' are the people that I'm talking about on this thread. I believe that since this is a personal site, that's all the more reason for one to take care in how they approach others. And that's all I'm saying.

[Ozme52]

Ozme52, as Daumon pointed out, this is a personal site unlike sites that deal with Dogs, motorcyles, and music. And, on those sites, people aren't 'looking' for intimacy. whether they stumble upon it or not is their business, but I can safely say that people don't sign up on puppy forums to find fuck-mates. Don't you think finding a significant other (long term or short) is personal? On a Motorcycle site, you're not prying into one's personal life. You are simply looking for like-minded people. People on a Motorcycle site usually don't have any intention on meeting anyone. I'd love to see a conversation that says "Hey you have a BMW bike? 'I' have a BMW bike! Pull out your webcam. Lemme see it. Aw yea that's sweet. Now look at mine. Yea you like that huh? We should met so that I can see yours in person and touch and feel it and ride it." On a site like this, we take it a step forward.

As relaxed as society is about things of a sexual nature, sex is still taboo in some ways. And some people aren't use to talking about sex like that. But even if they were, that still wouldn't make a difference. Let's say a guy and a girl meet at a bar and click. Immediately they know they are going to have sex. They know the other person wants to have sex and they know that they both came there FOR sex. But do they say "Hey do you wanna come over to my place and have sex?" No. They say "Do you want to get out of here?" "Do you want to come over to may place for some coffee?" "Do you want to go to my place and hang out for a bit?" Or they both might stay silent and have an understanding of what's going to happen. Even if it's written all over each parties face, people don't talk about sex like that REGARDLESS of the atmosphere. We still use different terms to describe sex online, too. I know that all of you understand the term "fun" on a site like this. When you hear someone say "Wanna have some fun?" online you know what they are talking about and they are NOT talking about signing onto yahoo to play chess. Even on a site dedicated to things of a sexual variety, a lot of people still don't come out and say that they just want to have sex. Some might. But most don't. And those few 'some' are the people that I'm talking about on this thread.

You miss the point.

And are 100% wrong. Lot's of people on those sites do meet up. I can attest to that regarding motorcycle sites.

If you're not looking for like-minded people here, what is it exactly you expect to find?

Have you read the threads here? Between introductions, personals, and information sharing, that's exactly what people are looking for. Potential bdsm partners.

I believe that since this is a personal site, that's all the more reason for one to take care in how they approach others. And that's all I'm saying.

Hardly. There was virtually nothing in the original post about being careful. It was all about not liking the style.

[in2anything]

I agree that finding out if you're compatible in roles is very important. If I'm sub and the male is sub that changes the conversation. Now we're no longer talking as potential playmates, life partners, etc. but as friends with a common interest and experiences.

I don't see why it should end the conversation either way just because that came first, rather it sets the footing for the conversation. By just clicking someone off perhaps you're losing a friend OR a potential playmate at the least.

What annoys me (and the ones I click off with impatience) are the ones that find you DO have compatible interests and roles and move immediately to "now tell me something erotic so I can get off." Well perhaps not exactly that plainly but it comes through loud and clear anyway.

To me those are the real users and losers we all could live without.