How much do your parents/family know?

[fetishdj]

Ok, a spin off from the thread about Christian parents in the religion and philosophy section.

The question put to the forum is:

Do your parents or other members of your family know about your BDSM activities? If so, how did they find out? By accident? Did you tell them? Did it cause ructions? Did you eventually sort it all out or is there still a problem?

If they don't know, would you ever consider telling them? Do you suspect they know anyway? How do you think they'd react?

Interested in any and all opinions, experiences and so on about this topic...

I'll post my own thoughts on it to get us started:

My parents do not know about anything I do with regards to BDSM. I tend to prefer this part of my life to be seperate from my professional and family life so I keep it secret. It is not because I think they will react badly to it, after all they are fairly open minded, but rather that it is something that I like keeping private and secret - as if the secret nature is part of the fantasy.

[_ID_]

Mine do not know. They are conservative and would be judgmental about it. I would rather keep peace within the family than have them know.

[Alex Bragi]

Good topic/post fetishdj.

Mine know absolutely nothing, and that's exactly the way I like it.

It has nothing to do with being ashamed or not wanting to 'come out', but more to do with just not wanting to rock the proverbial boat. Life is just so much simpler and easier when my sex life is not out there for them to scrutinise over.

[gemmy]

Good topic/post fetishdj.

Mine know absolutely nothing, and that's exactly the way I like it.

It has nothing to do with being ashamed or not wanting to 'come out', but more to do with just not wanting to rock the proverbial boat. Life is just so much simpler and easier when my sex life is not out there for them to scrutinise over.

Agreed - do vanilla's discuss there sexual activities with us?? I see no reason to flaunt it around - those that want to know will ask. I'm a pretty sexual being and most people know that about me, it's just not something that hides whether I want it to or not lol - as a result, I sometimes get asked and even then I treat the questions like I do with my daughter, small vague answers at first, if they accept it, that's all they wanted to know. If they continue asking, they are ready to hear the answers

[gagged_Louise]

Nope, mine don't know and I intend to have it stay that way. Like Alex, I feel it would not be worth the cost of "honesty" on seomething that doesn't really touch them and which they would not understand. My parents are divorced and, without being prudish, neither of them have ever been into discussing their sexual lives with me. They feel that the erotic is firmly your own private sector and shouldn't be unduly exposed. If I told my mother she might alsol likely feel that she's failed as a mum because I'm into this - that's wrong, but it would be very hard to get it sorted out.

[Tufty]

No they don't...and I think it's a case of letting sleeping dogs lie! I don't think they need to know and, even if they did, I wouldn't tell them. Besides, I was brought up in a family where anything of a sexual nature was thought of as dirty and disgusting and my mother still hold those views. We aren't what you would call a 'close' family at all and I tend to be the 'black sheep' as well, so it would only make matters worse if I told them.

[butterflySlave4u]

my family, and all of my r/l friends (including my best friend) have no clue about this side of me, and very few online know as well, i could count them on one hand...

and as far as "keeping the secret", yes, of course i do...but then again, it wouldn't be anyones business anyway, even if i was into vanilla missionary sex....can i relate to my vanilla friends when we're giggling in the corner about the vibrator that accidently got left out last night, and my child asked about it as it lay on the nightstand? yes, i can...but do i announce that i used it anally while fantasizing about what Master did to me yesterday with the ice cube and hot wax on my clit?? um, no....

Karen

[Ownedfyre (mm1)]

I guess I am lucky. My mom is my best friend and she knows everything about me. She is very cool. I have a couple of friends who know and they are cool as well. No judgement whatsoever.

[gemmy]

I guess I am lucky. My mom is my best friend and she knows everything about me. She is very cool. I have a couple of friends who know and they are cool as well. No judgement whatsoever.

That's awesome to hear and in my position it's reversed - my daughter and I are very close and she knows about BDSM and my personal tendancies but still it never get's detailed, nor needs to

[lily27]

Of course not. They know Master, and like him quite a lot... but I wouldn't be discussing my sex life with them no matter what we are doing in the bedroom.

People think it is like being gay, and that you have to come "out". But unless you walk around in leather chaps all the time, that simply isn't the case. When you are gay, you have to introduce your family to your same-sex partner... I would suspect most don't sit their parents down and discuss the details of their sex life.

So I have introduced my family to my partner... and they share in the "public" aspects of our lives together... and nobody needs to know the rest.

[Logic1]

Of course not. They know Master, and like him quite a lot... but I wouldn't be discussing my sex life with them no matter what we are doing in the bedroom.

People think it is like being gay, and that you have to come "out". But unless you walk around in leather chaps all the time, that simply isn't the case. When you are gay, you have to introduce your family to your same-sex partner... I would suspect most don't sit their parents down and discuss the details of their sex life.

So I have introduced my family to my partner... and they share in the "public" aspects of our lives together... and nobody needs to know the rest.

This is me but the other way around. They know my gf and our "public" aspects but not the rest since they simply put do not need to know.

I honestly dont think my parents would mind all too much though cause they are pretty open minded and cool about most things but no I wont tell them out of respect to my girl and them and me for that matter.

[Euryleia]

My sister knows, as we have gone toy shopping together. I have never had the discussion with my parents, though. A lot of my friends know, as I write about alternative sexualities in my nonerotic stories and I'm a bit of a feedback whore.

I have some of my BDSM stories posted on my personal website, so if my parents went there, they would see them. If the need arose, I would tell them.

I am not willing to hide who I am from anyone. And by need, I mean someone bad mouthing or making other statements about the perversion of D/s. That's how I came out as a lesbian to the extended family and random strangers--I was not willing to be quiet when derogatory things were said about dykes and faggots. The same goes for talk of Dom/me's being abusers and subbies being brainless puppets.

I did bring one girlfriend home who I was Topping and my father's only comment was how very respectful and polite she seemed. That's all that matters to Southerners.

[Phantome]

Well, we don't actually discuss actual activities, but we're also pretty open with regards to sex and sex-related topics. My family is very open-minded and pretty much could care less- they don't know to what extent we enjoy the lifestyle, but they do know DH and I like a bit of kink to spice things up (only because it came up in conversation "yeah, I like anal," or "I could be into..." whatever it is we're talking about). Sex just isn't taboo in pretty much any way with my family.

However, my inlaws are another story. They say that they've only had sex once, and that was to have DH (and they're only half-joking....), and they're generally prudish and judgemental about damn near everything there is in the world. They're they types that are totaly ignorant on a subject, then hear Rush Limbaugh or Bill O'Rielly yammer about it, then consider themselves experts, with the sole job of converting the world to their beliefs. They are wonderful, loving people, but narrow-minded nonetheless. Needless to say, we pretty much never talk about sex with them (except when the MIL kept dropping by unannounced while we were having sex. About the bajillionth time it happened, we told her she had fuck-dar and needed to call first so we could finish. She was scandalized and embarassed, but at least she could still laugh about it. She calls first now, lol).

As for our friends, none of them really care (the topic has come up before, and everyone's pretty much open-minded and indifferent). The more liberal ones probably have an idea that we enjoy an "explorative" sex life, but we keep it quiet in front of our conservative friends. Generally (and this goes for everyone), if they ask about it, we don't mind talking. But if they are easily offended or don't want to know, we don't volunteer info. That, and we don't parade the lifestyle for anyone- we're not into public displays, so it stays behind closed doors for us. Wow, that was a rambling response to a simple question!
-Phan

[thrall]

The particulars of my day to day life are none of my families business, let alone what goes on in my private life. I plan on keeping it that way.

I could be a murder, embezzler dru.g dealer, thief, or for that matter any sort of bad person................and they would be alright with that. But sex?!?....if it has anything to so with that....and edgy sex too boot......forget about it! Very sad to say ..but there that is.

[DowntownAmber]

My opinion on sharing my sex life with others is the same whether it relates to BDSM or all sex in general: if we're talking about it to enhance understanding and growth and to help a friend or family menber out with thier personal journey so on and so forth, then I'm a pretty open book. If you wanna know for idle curiosity's sakes, I prolly won't share.

I know (by accident) that my parents are of the BDSM leaning, but they prefer to keep that aspect of thier lives private so I don't bother prying or sharing.

[sisterhoney61 {RW}]

My family doesn't know, even though my mother sees my collar every day. She believes that it is just a choker, as and as fas as I'm concerned, that's all she needs to know. My brother doesn't know what I do, but then again we barely speak to one another, so I'm certainly not going to discuss my sex life with him.

A couple of my friends know that I am a sub, though they don't know the details of my lifestyle. I have been opening up more and more to my best friend, whom I have known for over 25 years. She has recently discovered her kinky side, so we do talk about it (through e-mail, since she lives about three hours away).

I believe that my lifestyle is my business, so I don't openly discuss it with people, except among other kinky people, of course. But I have always been a pretty private person and don't openly advertize myself as kinky (or Pagan, which I am as well).

[donriser]

I'm fortunate to have two families, my family of origin, and my adoptive family. That's a lot of people, several who I'm very close with, but none of them know. I do believe my family of origin would understand since I watched my parents' kinks my whole childhood (I was a curious child), but it feels personal to me. My adoptive family would give all manner of counsel otherwise, no doubt. They love me dearly and are ultra-conservative. We share many of the same values, just express them differently.

I do, however, have a very good vanilla friend with whom I try to be as open as I can be. Sometimes it's hard, but I felt and feel like I need her to keep me grounded, to question and listen and even challenge me.

[fetishdj]

Its interesting to hear of the people who think their parents would accept anything except anything unusual sexually. And also the people who consider it no one's business but their own (the comment about 'do vanilla's talk to us about thier sex life?' is interesting to see and a valid point). The taboos on sex are clearly strong, even among alternative lifestylers.

I do know some vanilla people who are more open about thier sex life, both male and female, but I agree it is rare for anyone to talk openly about sex in a detailed way. I suppose this is why there is such a strong tradition of euphamism and double entendre.

Very fascinating topic, more than I expected when I started it...

[DowntownAmber]

Its interesting to hear of the people who think their parents would accept anything except anything unusual sexually. And also the people who consider it no one's business but their own (the comment about 'do vanilla's talk to us about thier sex life?' is interesting to see and a valid point). The taboos on sex are clearly strong, even among alternative lifestylers.

I do know some vanilla people who are more open about thier sex life, both male and female, but I agree it is rare for anyone to talk openly about sex in a detailed way. I suppose this is why there is such a strong tradition of euphamism and double entendre.

Very fascinating topic, more than I expected when I started it...

To add to this a little... I'm not sure if sex and conversations regarding it are always "taboo." For me, the relationship I have with J-Go has very deep, personal significance both in and out of the bedroom. When we make love, what happens between us is just for us. It is special partialy because it really is just ours. For the depth of the experience, words fail miserably in describing it and often it cheapens it to try.

Taboo? Not always. Personal? Indeed.

[nighttimestar]

My parents were helping me move once and my mom "accidently" found one of my A.N. Roquelaure books. Trying to explain that was a little difficult. My mom is somewhat of snoop and it don't help that she is also very VERY conservative..

[stripedangel]

What little family i have knows, somewhat. i wear a collar, which makes things a bit more difficult to keep secret. It's not something that they ask about, and i don't think they realize that We are in a M/s type of relationship...but they understand that i ask Master for certain permissions that would not be considered normal to vanillas. They know that i belong to Him. Nobody asks any qusetions...i think they're afraid of what i'll tell them for some odd reason!

[Wordsmith]

None of my family know...and I intend to keep it that way. Most (if not all) of my friends know and they are cool with it...a couple of my friends even have started asking my advice about telling their partner they want to explore this "type of thing".

[silverfish]

I Agree with the sentiment that what happens in my private life is just that.

I really don't think that many if any of my family or friends would understand... but then again I may be wrong.

Sex has been openly discussed from one side of the family but I still don't think that they would make the connection.

The thing that that I am most unsure about is that my life long best friend does not know and I am not sure if I should ever tell him or if he would understand?

[stripedangel]

silverfish, i'm in the same boat with my best friend...she knows that i am submissive, i'm just not sure to what extent. i dunno that she would understand. i do know that she would be supportive, even if she thought that what i'm doing is absolutely insane.

[countrystud]

None of my family knows about it. Some of my "girl-friends" know that I like to be bossed around...or told what to do. But I don't think they know about the BDSM, or my foot fetish. I'm just too embarrassed to say anything.

[rooshoe]

My brothers know, or at least one knows and the other has an idea. My oldest brother's then-gf gave him the Joy of Sex deluxe version for Christmas and the three of us (my brothers and myself) were sitting around talking about it. I was flipping through it and made a wise-ass remark about something in there and my oldest brother was like, "You couldn't even imagine what my g/f and I do in bed." My response was, "I bet I can, and then some. You don't even know what I'm into." His response: "You don't even know what I'm into." And my second brother was sitting there, his head switching back and forth between us. It's still pretty funny to this day.

And my mom found my copy of "Different Loving" when I was 16... that was hard to explain...

[MissElizabeth87]

Most of our r/l friends don't know about this at all... It's just too much work to dispel the stigma attached to this lifestyle. From my conversations with more openly sexual friends, they know I have a thing for pain... but not to the true extent that I do. haha.

My mom knows to an extent. I would not have any real problem with her knowing entirely, I just don't really know how to bring it up... It doesn't seem like an "over the phone" conversation, and my whole family is Arizona or Kentucky! My lil sis and brother in law do know though, because she is doing the same thing!! She told me last time I was visiting her, to explain a mark I had a question about. I just ended up saying "Hey me too!"... It's nice to have someone to talk to in r/l about it other than wellbehaved. Other than those three, my family has no idea.

wellbehaved's family knows NOTHING. They don't even believe we're having sex, let alone any of this!

[good_girl]

Most of my family know nothing and I intend to keep it that way...my adult daughter, I think, suspects that mom has a bit of a kinky side, and as open as our relationship is (I would talk to her about it if she were to ask) she has never asked anything and I offer nothing to her.

My friends, for the most part, know but their knowledge is very limited, anytime they approach me with questions I am happy to explain things to them as well as I can without going into too much personal detail. I find that being open and honest with them has helped them to understand me better and in that, they accept my quirks and love me for who I am

If it were up to me, this would not be something that I would hide from anyone...it's who I am, but, as with many things, I do not want to expose people to things they do not want to be exposed to.

[ashtonDs]

fetishdj, you were one of those little kids who liked to stir things up, duck out and watch the fireworks weren't you. lol

Only my wife knows and she is OK with it, skeptical, OK, I'm crazy... But, hey she did agree to let me shave her! We have done a couple of things, pretty tame by standards here but really off the wall to her. Little by little I'm pushing for more. (I'm just never satisfied you know?)

My family doesn't know and I won't tell them. They have enough time dealing with my religion. I'm not going to complicate things further.

[Borgs_slave]

I have one sister that found out. We had some talking and she read some books. She doesn't get it but supports me and just wants me happy. As for the rest of my family I don't feel the need to share my personal, intimate life with them. What goes on behind closed doors so to speak isn't any of their business.