Long term relationship then realizing you are submissive

Edited - see tessa's response below - a thread for this already exists, I just didn't see it!

Good morning everyone!

I have been reading the forums for several weeks now and have found this information in many different places. I thought it would be nice to have a thread specific to this situation, so here it is! :hihi:

Are you or have you been in a long-term relationship and then "discovered" your submissive desires? Have you/did you communicate this to your partner? How did it go? What is the state of your relationship now? I hope this thread can be used by us to exchange information and give each other the support and love we so desperately need (at least I do ;) ) as we travel this path with a partner that may or may not be interested.

Thanks and have a great day!

P.S. I'll post my experience with this in the next couple of days - have to go to work now.

What a great idea, his j! This is valid for so many here.

You may also want to look here-
http://www.bdsmlibrary.com/forums/showthread.php?t=8618

Hopefully between here and there, we can utilize the information and experiences shared so that our lives can be as fulfilling as possible.

Thanks for starting this!

tessa :hihi:

After querying tessa about whether this thread should remain since something similar exists elsewhere (see her post above), her response was to leave as another place we can share information and experiences.

Well I will write something, but just don't know how to start yet.
I have a hard time trying to put my thoughts into something tangible.

cadence - me too! I am trying to sort out my thoughts for this post so it won't be so disorganized/stream of conciousness (see some of my other posts for an example of this :eek: ) I hope to post something coherent tonight.

Okay, here goes
My husband and I have been together 22 years, married almost 20, 4 children. Our marriage has been through most every possible configuration - Leave it to Beaver style, then modified, then me a student while he worked and took care of kids/house, then 2-career, now I am the primary support but he also works (Will be semi-retired in a couple of years). We've also had our ups and downs as a couple - several years ago I thought divorce was only a matter of time (I had already packed my bags mentally).

I finally became so unhappy that I was able to believe that maybe it wasn't all his fault. I stopped drinking (with the help of AA) and began to acquire a desire to change myself and open my heart to him - something I'd never really done. Then an amazing thing happened - I fell in love with him again, but even better. I began to really trust him with myself, my heart and soul, and have faith that he loved me, for better or for worse. As my trust and love and faith increased, I also began to trust myself and start listening to what my heart and body wanted.

So, what did I want? I have always had a "shameful" attraction to erotic pain which I stuffed deep down the moment it reared its ugly head. It seemed abnormal, wrong, sick, twisted - whatever. And even when I did actually fantasize about it, I sure couldn't imagine sharing that with my husband. But, in the process of rediscovering my love and sexuality, I began to honor all my desires.

Now, fast forward a few months... During a bout of intense phone sex, I confessed some of my secret submissive desires. Specifically, a desire to be spanked, hard, and then held down and fucked in the ass. Yes, those were the exact words I used. ;) When my husband came home, he proceeded to do exactly that! It was wonderful - everything I had hoped for and I felt calm, grateful, proud, content and peaceful afterward. (I particularly enjoyed admiring my bruises on a daily basis :) ) Unfortunately, nothing else happened for several more months, until I found this website a couple of weeks ago. It gave me the courage (thank you, everyone!) to bring up the subject with him again. I gave him a letter of thanks that I had written the day after that great evening, (but had been too nervous to actually give to him - it seemed silly) and then said how much I'd like to do this again, and more. I mentioned checklists and safewords and the fact that they can alleviate his fear of hurting me in a non-erotic way.

What happened? Well, he asked for some time to think and process, then gave me a nice bout of very mild D/s sex the next day, and seemed to enjoy himself. Since then, he has become more dominant (in a still very vanilla way) each time we have sex. This past weekend I gave him a copy of The Loving Dominant, a BDSM checklist and a note asking him to read and then talk with me when he's ready. That's where we are right now.

I wouldn't have had the courage to approach him again without the wonderful support here. Just reading the forum posts written by those experienced in real-life power exchange relationships, whether full-time or only occasional, has helped me learn and grow and understand what it takes to bring this into our life and what gifts we can get from it.

The most important thing I've learned in the past few weeks is patience. I wanted to just rush into everything, but now the anticipation of going slowly really turns me on. From everything I've read, it's always better to want more than to go too far too soon, so that's the approach I'm taking to all of this.

I hope this helps another submissive who is wondering how the heck she/he is going to approach her/his partner. Please, read the posts by the many helpful, experienced submissives throughout the forums. They know a lot more than I do! :)

Have a wonderful, blessed day!

Thanks for sharing your story his_j

I think my story probably depicts what happens when your partner does not share your attraction to BDSM and what happens when you both don't communicate effectively.
And sorry it is rather long, and choppy.

I have been with my boyfriend for about 19 years now. We live a pretty normal existence in my opinion, and have only had two major fights within that span. We probably get along well seeing that we work opposite shifts, and since I started a new job three years ago, we only really see each other on the weekends.

Even though both of us never fully realized it, I have always been submissive around him, by doing small things that made him happy and proud that I was his girlfriend.
Doing these things made me happy and always wanting to do more.
He in turn helped me to overcome my insecurities and become a more independent and productive person.

The only real problem I ever had within the relationship was sex. I found it boring,and assumed I had hang-ups I just could not understand. I worked hard at trying to enjoy what I had but always wanted more.
Maybe because of my upbringing, sex was a taboo subject and was never discussed. My boyfriend and I rarely discussed it either. And when we did, it was very brief and I would do my best to skirt the issues. I never initiated sex, and he would at times be frustrated with that.

My fantasies and desires, of bondage and pain, have been with me for as long as I can remember. Never knowing about BDSM or kinky sex for that matter, led me to believe that my thoughts were deviant and should be suppressed. It also did not help that I was diagnosed with OCD and have pure-o, so I assumed that my thoughts on sex were just another part of it.
(Only pure-o’s are repulsed and would never act out their own thoughts. I wanted to act out my fantasies and they were pleasant to think about; that confused me even more.)

Later on I began to discover that there was a whole other world out there that accepted kinky and deviant. It was a normal to fantasize and even normal to act out some of those fantasies.
It was when my boyfriend one day casually pointed out an ex-girlfriend to me and proceeded to tell me that she like to be tied up, and that it was definitely not his cup of tea; my heart sank.
Being tied up was something I wanted, but without even knowing I wanted it, he had already answered a question I was trying to work up the nerve to ask.

I suppressed all urges and tried to move on. It was about that time that we eventually started to grow and change, not entirely in different directions, but enough to make a bit of a difference. All of a sudden he withdrew from sex, and while I did ask he never gave me a definite reason, and still to this day I do not know why.
I assumed it was all my fault, and became despondent.

I stopped trying and started to become lethargic, only getting up in the morning to go to work, do the necessary housework and then nothing else at all.
I eventually smartened up and started to become a little more functional. I started to explore BDSM even more and ended up living vicariously through others experiences and stories.

I met a few people on line who attempted to help me through my struggles, but could do little at the time. I wanted to communicate my needs to my boyfriend and let him know what made me tick and what I wanted from him. I was uncertain how to approach the subject, so I inadvertently let him see what sites I was on and what I enjoyed looking at.
He could not comprehend how anyone could enjoy or be attracted to any aspect of my interests; so my plan to encourage him to try out a few things was squashed on the spot.


My boyfriend became more intimate with me, but I now started to withdraw from him, and figured that as long as he was happy and satisfied, I did not need him to satisfy me.
If he did not enjoy what I did, and he would not try, I felt I did not have to try. I realize that it was not the best thing to do, but seeing no other alternative; I made the decision and stuck with it.
Eventually he became irritated, and I ended up withdrawing even more.
Through small confrontations, he coaxed the whole problem out of me. He could not understand or grasp the appeal or the attraction to what I wanted.

So there I was in a long term relationship, with someone whom I cared deeply about, but could see no future of exploring BDSM, or anything even remotely on the kinky side.
The more I learned about my submissive side, the more I realized that I longed to explore and express it further, and the more I knew it was not going to just go away that easily.


I tried to alleviate my needs on line, but fear of intimacy with anyone else wrecked any possibilities of that happening. I was not satisfied with an online relationship, because I wanted to experience it in real life.

I again became depressed and unmotivated to make any positive changes.
I was once again confronted and tried my best to explain why and how I felt. We only discussed it briefly and he agreed to try.
There was never again another discussion, but he attempted to appease me with what he wanted, and not what I expressed what I wanted.

He likes to pinch and that is about what we have done for the past four months. I have tried to offer him books to read, but he says he will in time.
I would like to sit down and have a conversation, but seeing that our time together is limited, we never get around to it. I may be wrong, but I do believe that he avoids the issue and hopes it will go away, that it is just a passing phase I will eventually get over.

For now, I have made an effort to get out of the funk I have created for myself, because I cannot make the situation any better by becoming more withdrawn and sullen.
I cannot just leave, because we do share a special bond together, but I cannot just stay and be unhappy or settle because that is neither fair to him or myself.

I hope that by having a more positive outlook on things, it may in turn be helpful to our current situation, and help towards communicating more with each other.

I do know that giving up is not really an option I am willing to do right now, and will continue to try until I know that there is absolutely nothing left that I can do.

How I am going to keep on trying is something I am still trying to figure out.

cadence,

I didn't find your story too long or choppy at all! I have felt so much of what you have - for me, a lot of it was fear that I just didn't love this guy enough, even though we stayed together year after year, had a family, went through so much together and I couldn't imagine my life without him - for a long time I wasn't sure I wanted life with him forever either.

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The only real problem I ever had within the relationship was sex. I found it boring,and assumed I had hang-ups I just could not understand. I worked hard at trying to enjoy what I had but always wanted more.
Maybe because of my upbringing, sex was a taboo subject and was never discussed. My boyfriend and I rarely discussed it either. And when we did, it was very brief and I would do my best to skirt the issues. I never initiated sex, and he would at times be frustrated with that.

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This really hit home with me - I was perfectly happy"?" with once a month or so, he wasn't. For a long time I just wasn't really "present" when we had sex, you know? Any discussion was usually initiated by him, really more complaining about the lack of sex rather than a discussion. Of course, I would try for a while and then give up. Just like you said, it was boring and I didn't feel love from him, rather it just felt like need (the "clingy, you're my wife by God and I'm not getting it anywhere else" kind of need). Truthfully, I became more loving and accepting of his love when I stopped drinking and started taking a really hard look at myself. After a few (pretty good) years, I guess I was finally mentally and emotionally ready to accept my very hidden submissiveness.

The hardest part for me is talking with him about it. Is he going to think I'm crazy, an idiot, wonder who I am and where did I stash his wife's body? :) I talked about it over the phone the first time (felt safer) and got a good response from him when he returned home, but then the subject just seemed to *poof*. I waited almost 6 months to bring it up again.

How does he feel? I just don't know. I'm not getting an overwhelmingly enthusiastic response, but there is some willingness to try. If he decides this isn't for him, I won't leave him. I love him, no matter what. I'll just have a really hot fantasy life, and do what I can within our life to satisfy my need to feel submissive.

Online relationships aren't for me either - it would just feel like a betrayal - plus I'm just more of a real-life girl. I'll stop by to see friends rather than call, go to a coworker's office rather than email, I just prefer to deal with people face-to-face when possible.

The support here has been super-helpful to me. Just reading the posts - funny, exciting, sad, sexy - reminds me that I'm not some sort of freak. Right now, I'm hoping te meet some other submissive women in real-life, so I'm going to a "munch" next week. I'm pretty nervous about it, but this feels right to do, so I'm going to do it.

cadence, I hope you find a way to get at least a little bit of what you need from your boyfriend. Continue to be loving and supportive of his minor efforts, who knows, maybe he'll do a little more. One thing I have done lately is let my husband know right after sex what he does that I particularly like - for example, holding my head/hair tightly when I go down on him. This seems to be encouraging him to go a little bit farther each time. I know he wants me to be happy - he always has - so I still have hope.

Whew! Talk about rattling on! I suspect that's enough from me for now!

Have a wonderful day...

I thought a little update would be appropriate...

He's brought me roses twice in the last 2 weeks, for a grand total of 3 times in 22 years - I must be doing something right! :) (and yes, he demands and gets very enthusiastic gratitude from me!)

i've been married for a long long time..and discovered i was a submissive two years ago..how does my husband view this? he scoffs at it..makes fun of it..makes fun of me..and of course calls the whole thing perverted, sick, disgusting, illegal..need i continue? not to get into too personal info, since i'm rather known for being far too open (see other forums i belong to) let's just say i get my sexual satisfaction from my imagination and online things..would i leave my husband over this? only and i repeat only if i found that perfect Dom/Master who would love and cherish me and that i would fall in love with also...i'm easily fooled, thought i had found that in my last Master, not the one who has disappeared but the one before that..the one i met in person..i give my heart too freely online and usually get it back in pieces...i should be satisfied with what i have and not yearn for that which i only can dream about now...i so long and crave to serve and obey a deserving Dom, but it won't be my husband...he wouldn't want that and i can in all honesty say i cannot see myself ever serving or kneeling to him...we have known each other far too long to suddenly become that way...

did any of this make sense? i have a submissive heart and soul...i need to serve..without a Master or Dom, i feel an emptiness..

isabeau

isabeau - it completely makes sense. I know I'm very blessed that my husband is willing to travel this path with me. What would I do if he decided "well, that's enough of that"? I don't know. I guess I would have an even more active fantasy life than I do now. I hope I never have to find out. Truthfully, his willingness to listen to me and try this out surprised me. We've had a couple of hiccups along the way, but are learning how to communicate openly and honestly, so even those have been learning, growing experiences for us. I guess my only concern at this point is that he may not want to go as far with all of this as I might, but we are moving very slowly, which as I understand will help us keep from "freaking ourselves out". In the meantime, I'm learning more and more about what my submissive/masochist leanings mean to my life on a daily basis, and he is growing his "Dom energy" - letting himself enjoy dominance and delivering pain and getting past his social programming. Because, truly, he's just a really nice, laid back guy with an open mind. I love him so much more today than I ever have before.

Keep the faith, isabeau. You know who you are - be smart, giving, open and thoughtful in your search. I wish you all the best and am sending my most ardent wishes and prayers that you find the fulfillment you seek.

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Originally Posted by his_j

isabeau - it completely makes sense. I know I'm very blessed that my husband is willing to travel this path with me. What would I do if he decided "well, that's enough of that"? I don't know. I guess I would have an even more active fantasy life than I do now. I hope I never have to find out. Truthfully, his willingness to listen to me and try this out surprised me. We've had a couple of hiccups along the way, but are learning how to communicate openly and honestly, so even those have been learning, growing experiences for us. I guess my only concern at this point is that he may not want to go as far with all of this as I might, but we are moving very slowly, which as I understand will help us keep from "freaking ourselves out". In the meantime, I'm learning more and more about what my submissive/masochist leanings mean to my life on a daily basis, and he is growing his "Dom energy" - letting himself enjoy dominance and delivering pain and getting past his social programming. Because, truly, he's just a really nice, laid back guy with an open mind. I love him so much more today than I ever have before.

Keep the faith, isabeau. You know who you are - be smart, giving, open and thoughtful in your search. I wish you all the best and am sending my most ardent wishes and prayers that you find the fulfillment you seek.

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thank you hon...and that is soo sweet...i love my husband..he is like my best friend and companion...but he is very narrow minded..i can't change that about him..he grew up Catholic...believes masturbation is a sin...said i was doomed for doing it..sighs..

i'm truly glad for you..it's not often you can have that in your relationship..and i appreciate the wishes and prayers.. xoxo

isabeau6

I thought that I would bump this thread, with an update, and maybe some others can share thier own stories.
My update is not warm and fuzzy, it's basically filled with frustration more than anything.
When I wrote my first post, I had a little bit of hope; but with no real network of support, it is hard to work things out on your own.
There still is no real communication between us; only the fact that I am allowed to express myself more openly online with others.
Not entirely what I wanted but, I am grateful that I am not being completely suppressed at the moment.

At the time I wrote my first post here, I had started to have more problems crop up with my family, work, and my own never ending internal conflicts.
I ended up withdrawing from things even more so, and moving into a state of just existing to exist again. Never wanting to try and make progress with things or communicate with anyone openly.

So my relationship with my boyfriend never moved forward, and became stagnant even more than before. Without being able to communicate things properly or to be able to express myself and have him understand, I can't see anything viable happening between us.
I have begun to resent him and myself in general, and sometimes I wish he would leave, so I wouldn't have to make choices.

As for online, that is even more frustrating, I didn't want an online relationship, but I did want to find someone who would appreciate my submissive side.
I revisited that a short time ago, but of course, it didn't work out very well. I didn't want to be emotionally attached to a Dominant, but did want to experience being submissive.
I don't even know if what I am trying to obtain is even possible.
I stumbled upon what I wanted and made the effort to try, but this Dominant had other submissives, and I was always left out and not good enough or important enough I suppose to even be owned. That left my self esteem in a bad place.
Although I still talk to this Dominant, I don't think that he understands that what I wanted, is different than what he had offered. I still think though that I was just not good enough.

I sometimes hope that things will change at home, but I don't know if they ever will.
I am an online failure, and can only read and learn things. I don't think that I will ever be good enough to share anything with anyone anyway.

I still hold out a little bit of hope, that maybe things will move forward in a positive direction.
It's very hard to let go of something that is a part of your being, when you discover just how much it can complete you.

cadence, I read your post and my heart went out to you. It is so hard to get what we need that we sometimes feel that if we haven't gotten it, we must not deserve it.

That can't be further from the truth. Please don't feel that you have nothing to offer. I can say positively that your responses to other posts in the forum and the other things you've shared have helped me and many others.

I know you are probably tired of hearing this but you can't give up. Just because one online Dom did not understand/satisfy your needs, doesn't mean that no-one will. Perhaps it would be better to seek out someone who doesn't have so many other submissives that their attention is fractured.

You also need to make the decision about your boyfriend. Nineteen years is a long time. You should be commended for wanting to make things work even though you recognize that you both have changed and that you have needs he is not willing to meet. You have the power to end that relationship so that you will be free to seek one that does meet your needs. If you wait until he makes the decision, I'm afraid your self-esteem will continue to stay low.

I believe that you have the strength to do what needs to be done. You should do it because you are entitled to more than hope; you are worthy of love.

Best wishes,
ER

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Originally Posted by cadence

I am an online failure, and can only read and learn things. I don't think that I will ever be good enough to share anything with anyone anyway.

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You not wishing to explore this in the online way is not failing. It's not my way either, and I refuse to see that as some failing on my part. Because it's not!

You are NOT a failure...at anything! And you are good enough. You just haven't found your mate yet. That's all.

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I still hold out a little bit of hope, that maybe things will move forward in a positive direction.
It's very hard to let go of something that is a part of your being, when you discover just how much it can complete you.

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Keep hoping! Hold onto that bit of positive. I think you'll find it's impossible to let go of this. Doing so will only cause damage. You can't ignore such an integral part of yourself without losing part of your soul. Just keep hoping. Please try.

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Originally Posted by Euryleia

I believe that you have the strength to do what needs to be done. You should do it because you are entitled to more than hope; you are worthy of love.

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Thanks
I do believe that I have the strength somewhere, it is just difficult to find when things become frustrating and confusing.

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Originally Posted by tessa

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Keep hoping! Hold onto that bit of positive. I think you'll find it's impossible to let go of this. Doing so will only cause damage. You can't ignore such an integral part of yourself without losing part of your soul. Just keep hoping. Please try.

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Thank you to you too, I will keep hoping as I always do.


There are times when I consider myself to have failed only because I see others who seem to be able to ease into online so easily, whereas I seem to make everything that much more complicated.

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Originally Posted by cadence

I didn't want to be emotionally attached to a Dominant, but did want to experience being submissive.
I don't even know if what I am trying to obtain is even possible.

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In my very limited experience - it isn't, beyond a shallow form of submission. And I sense that you want much more than that, cadence.

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Originally Posted by cadence

I am an online failure, and can only read and learn things. I don't think that I will ever be good enough to share anything with anyone anyway.

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I completely disagree with this statement. You are so much more than you can believe right now.

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Originally Posted by cadence

I still hold out a little bit of hope, that maybe things will move forward in a positive direction.

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Hope is always appropriate. And sometimes, when you least expect it, hope is rewarded.

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Originally Posted by cadence

It's very hard to let go of something that is a part of your being, when you discover just how much it can complete you.

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Don't let go of it. Just don't.

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Originally Posted by cadence

There are times when I consider myself to have failed only because I see others who seem to be able to ease into online so easily, whereas I seem to make everything that much more complicated.

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Some do, some don't, cadence. You are not the only one who finds the "online only" experience less than you need. I have been told that I am a "hands-on, itf submissive" and it's true. I suspect you may be as well.

Take care of you and keep your chin up,
jeanne

I also say don't give up. You have to remain open to the possibility or else you'll miss the opportunity when it does appear.

I would like to specifically comment on what you said with regard to:

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I didn't want to be emotionally attached to a Dominant, but did want to experience being submissive.

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I think the kind of dominant you crave would have a hard time giving you this experience. He will need you to be emotionally involved with him. He has to feel your submission, not just see it.

The difference between having a Top/bottom relationship and a Dom/sub relationship are the emotions. That is, of course, a highly personal opinion and is strongly based on my personal perspective (or definitions) of tops, bottoms, doms, and subs.

Just telling you that because it's something you may need to realize in your search... You may need to open yourself up to the emotions... and of course the potential to be hurt... but also the potential to be extremely happy.

Thanks for your story, jeanne. I just found tessa's yesterday, and I like having a bandwagon I can jump on. Hubby and I have been together over 14 years and have just recently begun to explore our D/s sides. The one thing I've learned from reading here is that I'll have to be patient. That's not one of my strong points, but I aim to try!