Write a story or scene with this as your opening.
Bruce opened his eyes and gazed at the woman nestled in the crook of his arm, sleeping with lips parted slightly in a soft smile. Memories of the night they had shared flooded his mind.
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Write a story or scene with this as your opening.
Bruce opened his eyes and gazed at the woman nestled in the crook of his arm, sleeping with lips parted slightly in a soft smile. Memories of the night they had shared flooded his mind.
Aloha and thanks,
I have an idea for this one already but I will have to shorten it a bit I think I will start in a couple of days and post by mid week.
Mahalo xx
Bruce opened his eyes and gazed at the woman nestled in the crook of his arm, sleeping with lips parted slightly in a soft smile. Memories of the night they had shared flooded his mind. The woman, Anthea, was also dreaming of the night’s adventures as she lay there. Her day had been pretty horrible as it usually was for her. Being the boss of a fair sized employment agency was, for Anthea, a pretty harsh place to be. She felt she needed to keep on top by being hard on everyone, letting no stone go unturned. Her employees were frightened to death of her and her reputation for standing no nonsense. That very day, the office odd jobber, had angered her by leaving work early. If it wasn’t bad enough he always dressed in baggy sweat pants and top looking a mess. He always walked like he was stooped; he had thick geeky black glasses and looked unkempt at best. God she didn’t even know his name. Well he was out tomorrow and Janine was following him. She had worn a short skirt and stockings to work keeping the males off their work and she had caught her flirting with Dirk. Both were in her office next day to and they both knew what to expect.
Fuming she had left work and went to a bar for a drink. She was now brooding on her lack of male companions and decided to leave before she got down too much. Everyone at work was to intimidated by her to be brave enough to approach her, not that she’d go out with them any way. Anyone else she had known had always treated her like a precious object and been deferential at all times. Charming for sure, but this wasn’t what really made her juices flow. She harboured fantasies of a man who could command her and wasn’t intimidated by her. Treated her as his possession to be taken when he wanted. Kind of old fashioned in a way. Oh what was the use?
She was leaving when she bumped in to a group of girls from her old fraternity. They invited her to join them. They were off to a fetish club for a girl’s night out at a club owned by a friend. He would make sure they would be welcome at the members’ only establishment and it would be fun to see and watch ‘the weird people’. What the hell, she tagged along.
As she dreamed Bruce smiled at the sleeping Anthea. His main income came from his skills with the computer and program writing free lance for many big companies but he was ambitious and he worked hard to save money. The job as an ‘enforcer’ at the ‘Hootchie Kootchie’ club supplemented his other two jobs nicely. A sort of bouncer come steward for the fetish club, his main duty to enforce the club rules and make sure all the members enjoyed themselves. His uniform for the ‘Hootch’ was leather jeans and a hood. The hood made him look like a hangman from an old movie set in medieval times. The ridiculous sight in the mirror, when he put it on made him smile every time.
That night Jim, the club owner, had told him about the ‘straight’ visitors and asked that he keep an eye on them and keep them out of trouble. As soon as they came in he recognised them immediately. A group of about nine ladies, well really girls the way they were giggling and carrying on. He approached them and introduced himself as their steward for the evening, then led them to some seats and took their coats.
He got them drinks and laid out the club rules as he did to all newcomers. As he stood before them he felt their eyes on him. As he did this he looked them over, his eyes passing from one to the other as he went over the few rules. One in particular caught his eye tonight and he decided then that this was too good an opportunity to miss. He kept a close eye on them that night as he went about his duties.
As the night wore on his chance presented itself. He saw Anthea looking in on one of the private areas where members could go to be one to one with a partner without prying eyes if they wished. There were of course public areas but this wasn't one of them. He quietly went up be hind Anthea and observed over her shoulder, through the curtain, a couple engaged in a spanking session. He took her by the elbow and he enjoyed the look of shock as Anthea realised she had been caught, the look of a frightened schoolgirl. She said she didn’t mean to intrude, she was just curious and couldn’t they talk about it? But Bruce reiterated the rules and the consequences. He judged the time was right and quickly formed an opinion of what type of person she was. His time was now. He paused and offered her a compromise of sorts. She could either be escorted from the building or take the punishment the club would impose on a member, the choice was hers.
Anthea had never, in her memory at least, been talked to like this before. This man was pretty well built, not a body builder type but solid and powerful. She wished she could see his face through that ridiculous hood but she did glimpse the cool blue eyes. She wasn't sure exactly what the punishment might entail but she was aware that she was starting to feel a little warm in the pit of her stomach and it had been a long time since someone other than herself and her toys had made her feel that. She decided that it would be worth playing this game for a while. She agreed and the steward guided her towards the low stage at the end of the room. She struggled a little and his grip tightened on her elbow. She begged not to be punished in front of her friends and he stopped and looked at her. He seemed to think for a moment and consider this.
He conceded but told her it would need to be in a private room then, just her and him. She looked up and nodded her agreement. He led her to a room and roughly guided her through the curtain into a room that was decorated to make it look like a cellar. He took her to the middle of the room and told her to stand there. He crossed the room and stood in one of the dark corners and looked at her in the light in the middle of the room.
Anthea felt odd to say the least. She felt humiliated and vulnerable, pretty new sensations for her. The room was warm unlike a real cellar and she was aware that her breathing was shallow and quick. She was nervous and unsure, again two rarely visited feelings. She heard his voice telling her to kneel on the floor. She wondered how he knew her name but he must have overheard her friends she supposed. She hesitated for an instant, she was aware she was being spoken to in the same tone she was used to using with others. It was a tone of voice that left no doubt it expected to be obeyed or there would be consequences. She slowly lowered herself to he knees her hands at her sides, an act of submission to this strange man. She listened to her breathing, now deeper and heavier, her heart booming in her chest. She was aware that she was excited by this experience indeed she could actually feel her nipples throb under the constriction of her bra.
Bruce was pleased with how things were going, indeed he was feeling more confident than had ever felt before. He was taking his time on purpose so he could savour this experience to its fullest. He told her to unbutton her blouse, not to see her naked but to make her feel more vulnerable and maximise his power over Anthea. She did this slowly in silence as he watched her from behind. Her head was lowered and he noticed that she was breathing heavily as she did so.
Anthea felt she was somehow slipping under some kind of spell. Once her blouse was open she let her hands fall once more and waited what seemed like an age for the next command she knew would come. He told her to raise her hands above her head. She resigned herself to the reality of what she was allowing herself to be put through as she felt her hands tied together with pristine white, cotton rope. Then she looked up as the rope was passed through a metal ring in the ceiling above her. She felt her arms stretched as the rope was pulled and she stood up as the strain on her wrists and arms was kept up until she found herself just ever so slightly on her toes. The rope was then tied off across the room and she dangled there. Her calf muscles taught in her heels as she tried to relieve the strain in her arms.
Striding slowly and purposefully Bruce passes in front of her and took a single tailed whip off a hook on the wall. Taking it in his hands he turned to look at her. Her eyes widened but she didn’t scream or struggle. It was as if she was ready to go through with this and Bruce felt a surge of power course through him a he now knew he had her under his power. He noticed with pleasure the taught nipples straining through the black sheer lace of her bra that he glimpsed through her open blouse. She followed him as he walked behind her and took up a position some ten feet behind her. He took a moment to enjoy the her straining calves, encased in sheer dark nylon and slightly bunched behind her Achilles tendon as she stood on tip toe. He longed to run his hand over her ankles and up her thighs but that could wait for just now. He considered whether he should tear her blouse down her back for effect but decided against it.
Increasingly anxious and excited Anthea wasn’t sure what this was going to feel like. She was ready for pain and was steeling herself for the onslaught. She wasn’t to know Bruce was an expert handler of the single tail. She held her breath, waiting for the blow and when it came the whistle in the air just preceding it she was stunned. Yes it hurt: but only a little. It did knock the breath from her but it was more like a kiss. That was the only way she could describe it to herself. The second blow curled expertly round her flank, the tip of the whip snaking inside her blouse and ‘kissing’ her once more, this time on her breast a little below the nipple, through her lave bra. Her legs collapsed from under her as she felt such intense pleasure course through her making her feel light-headed.
This was how it had all started and culminated now in Bruce looking upon Anthea nestled in the crook of his arm. He had a very self-satisfied smile on lips and gently he moved his arm. Anthea started to awake as Bruce opened the draw of the little bedside table. He put a contact lens box that was on top of it in the draw and took out his thick black glasses and put them on. In the corner of the room was a pile of used sweats from the previous day he had dumped in his haste to get to the club the previous afternoon.
His last thought before she opened her eyes was that snooty Miss Anthea Jones was going to freak out when she actually realised who he was. But he was confident in the knowledge that he had her hooked. Today was going to be quite a bit different when he was in her office. Boy, things going to be different, a lot different. Just then Anthea opened her eyes. At first she lay there focusing and then her eyes widened as the recognition dawned and she sat bolt upright, jaw open and speechless. Bruce just continued to smile.
Dog
You had me hooked, I loved it, especially the ending - you wicked man :)
~smiles and hugs~
minxy xx
i really like this. Nothing better than a plot twist at the end. i could even see Bruce and Anthea's adventures continuing -- lots of fun to be had in the nooks and crannies of an office.
Nicely done characterization -- just enough for a piece of this length without being too much. i really got a sense of Anthea's irritation at the odd-jobber
Quote:
Originally Posted by Snowdoggie
Aloha and thank you for your time once more. As you noted I wrote this one with no dialogue. It was meant that way just to see how it turned out. I would like to use this as the bones for a fuller piece sometime as I feel the chracters could be expanded and the situation leaves itself open to be continued.
It wasn't my initial idea, I'll save that for another time but this story just came to me and so I let it run.
Once again thank you for your time.
As usual your humble servant Dog xx
A well put story. Though, as usual, I have some gripes. So, here we go...
The woman, Anthea, was also dreaming of the night’s adventures as she lay there.This was a particularly awkward sentence. You could have eliminated the "as she lay there" or begun the sentence with it and it would have made a far better flow.
Her day had been pretty horrible as it usually was for her. Being the boss of a fair sized employment agency was, for Anthea, a pretty harsh place to be.
I think you could have chosen a better reference to her position at work. I would have chosen "supervisor" or some other phrase to describe her position. If she owns the business she is the owner. Also, since when is being the boss a bad thing? Better to be the boss than an employee. This just didn't sit well.
The part in pink is because it's redundant. We know who you are talking about. The seperation sort of chops the flow.
The part in light blue was the most egregious part of the first paragraph. It references being the boss as being a place. Further, it was "pretty harsh". This is common parlance but has no place in narration.
She felt she needed to keep on top by being hard on everyone, letting no stone go unturned.
You reference two different things here; she stays on top by being hard on people - but stones are things. It's very akward.
Further down the story...
Anthea felt she was somehow slipping under some kind of spell. Once her blouse was open she let her hands fall once more and waited what seemed like an age for the next command she knew would come.
The second sentence was awkard and should have been modified into two sentences. Suggestion: "Once her blouse was open she let her hands fall. Time passed interminably slow as she waited for his next command."
Setting up anticipation is not the easiest of tasks. Providing short bursts of the mood you are wanting to convey tends to amplify your situation and bring it to the reader.
She resigned herself to the reality of what she was allowing herself to be put through as she felt her hands tied together with pristine white, cotton rope.
This may be just me but I don't understand what pristine white is. Sounds like a new color - like egg shell white or adobe white. Also, you tend to use "as" too often. You need to find more ways to express what is happening. I would actually offer things switched about for better flow too. Also, try to cut down on the words - think of ways to shorten what you are conveying. For instance: "As she felt her hands tied together, she resigned herself to the reality of what she was allowing."
She felt her arms stretched as the rope was pulled and she stood up as the strain on her wrists and arms was kept up until she found herself just ever so slightly on her toes.
This was not a great sentence. First of all, you went passive; "felt her arms stretched". Get rid of that. Make it immediate. Make it now. Make the reader feel the stretching.
This was also too long of a sentence. This should be in short bursts. This needs to be exciting and make the reader speed through to see her final position.
Suggestion: "The rope pulled tight, stretching her arms from her body. The ever tightening bondage pulled her to her feet, straining her arm's every sinew. She was left helpless, her toes barely scraping the floor below."
Okay, my suggestion isn't great. But the immediacy is there. Don't go passive when things heat up. Bring the reader into the action by making it now; not then. Once you have them into the moment they won't notice any mistakes because they will be there.
The very next paragraph does a complete switcheroo. It starts:
Striding slowly and purposefully Bruce passes in front of her and took a single tailed whip off a hook on the wall. Taking it in his hands he turned to look at her.
What I commented on, for the most part, was stylistic. This is a huge technical gaffe. The story is written in third person omniscient - past tense. Then it takes a huge swing towards current tense and then swings back to past. I don't have to say anything else about that. I am sure you caught it after you reread it.
Don't take this as a bad review. It's a good piece. My job is to pitch a fit about the things that can be improved, not to pat you on the back. Well, maybe one pat. It was a good read and you did a good job.
Now I must head back to the fiery pits from whence I came.