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Ok, we've all had them. The plan doesn't go quite as well in reality as it does in fantasy. The mood's not right, whatever, and the session flops and both are frustrated.
Any tips for getting over it?
I'm of the "if first you don't succeed, try again" group. Dh is of the "let's Take a break a while" group.
We've had one recently and it's casting a pall over the rest of our play time.
Trying very hard to not start screaming "get over it already".
I think alot depends on how and why it failed. Was it a medical issue someone was playing only becasue the other wanted and their head was not into it, was their an outside distrubance, technical difficulties ect.
in general when i have a session that fails or enters bad subspace. First thing i try to do is make sure my submissive/slave knows thaty it is ok i am not mad at them. Next I try to determine the casue of teh problem. (I mention some of this story in my post on pain). My wife and i were doing a sessdion a few weeks ago and it went South. One of the reasons is that the music she was using to focus quit on us. While the dungeon Master and some others tried to get it going again. She was haivng trouble keeiping head space. She was just entering it when the commotion started. As a result she tried to work through it but could not. When i saw she was having problemes we stopped before she ahd to safe word. Myself and several others spent at least a good half hour getting her back from the bad space. Cuddling blankets and fruit juice always good things. We then went to thje social area to relax, discuss things. I amde it clear though that before we elft we woulpd do another scene even if it was very light. Following the philosphy of if you fall off a horse get right back on. We watched a couple of other scenes talked relaxed. Then with the help of the host/DM we set up a different environemtn for ehr one where she could relax and feel safe in. We started wtih wax and went to knives and floggers. She ha da fantastic scene one fof the best for us both in a long time. Despite a few bruises and a couple of mild nicks from the knife she never even realized that it happened till the next day when shown. She had a wonderful time and was glad she got a chance to do a scene.
To answeer the question alot depends on circumstances. I ahve had sunbs who have hgad diabetic crashes in a scene. In those cases the play for the night was over period. Even though they claimed to ahve recovered seemed anda cted ok I did not wnat to risk them having another sugar attack. Alot of it is common sense and alot oof it is discussion what went wrong was it avoidable and doing your ebst to make sure the enxt time around things go better.
One last point. Sometime accidents happen i.e. subs gets cut with a whpi or a knife. Some dominants this throws for a loop and out of dominant space as they never wish to amrk or harm their sub or slave in that manner. My viewpoint is accidents happen sooner or alter we all cut or selves or someone else. As long as it does not casue the subissive permant harm or casues her to safe word. I feel there is no reason to fully stop the scene. yhes apply firstaid. But if they are readyt to go keep on moving on maybe scale back a little b ut that helps you restore your confidence.
Hope my viepwoint helps some. If you ened any more infoor have mroe questions feel free to contact me at master_kyrk1@yahoo.com
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Mostly it was a combo of it being after a long drive, DH having to do work first, some preconceived notions and it getting really late. Butif we hadn't have tried it, we'd have both been grumpy too.
Obviously the answer always will be time to regroup and communication, just wish it didn't take so long sometimes.
We're getting back on track. A gentle reminder of how much good play time we're wasting always helps.
Definitely always a better route than a tantrum.
Have a good weekend
One thing you keep oin saying finally struck a chord. When yuo say he feels youshould wait beofre playing again, and also we have missed lots fo really good sessions. How long are we talking about. hours days weeks months?
If it affected him so strongly that he feels he needs to wait for days or longer to play again. Would bring up the questiopn as to why. Does he feel he made a critical mistake that could have jeopardized your safety. Did something occur that is casuing him to question his abilities. I amyself have recently been in the last position and it not a fun one to face. The hardest part to do is to force yourself to keep on moving forawrds, and to face your demons.
You made a great point communication in the long run tends to amke everything better. I wish you two well and much fun in your journies.
it was about a week of rather less than fun play times after the initial failed attempt, but we're better now. Not 100%, but at least he's willing to play now.
And it wasn't him questioning his abilities, but he was questioning my abilities. So every time i wanted to play all week, he was like "she can't take me". And in having that mindset, of course, I couldn't.
Basically what had happened was the whole way home from a long trip I was telling him what I was going to do to him. He had to write something for work the next day, I did a little unpacking and surfed the web. Set up was already ready. He finished his work around 11 pm, the tempting started and he was in foul mood(he says he could tell I was tired and had already started to write the play session off). So I scrapped the original higer octane plan and went for a lower grade one(he was being REALLY fussy pre-play). Which apparently ticked him off even more because he really wanted the higher grade plan, which I wanted too. Factor in the late night, long drive, and his having to work and the whole thing flopped.
Upshot is I became incompetent because I didn't get aggressive enough with him and compromised my plan to fit his mood.
Not sure if that's completely fair, but I think it is the general idea.
To him a failed play session is worse than not playing at all. Which I'm not sure I agree with. To me a failed play session is something that happens from time to time, as long as it's not ALL the time.
Thanks for listening. I'm glad someone else can admit that not every session goes wonderfully.
[QUOTE=oneslave4me]
To him a failed play session is worse than not playing at all. Which I'm not sure I agree with. To me a failed play session is something that happens from time to time, as long as it's not ALL the time.
QUOTE]
Yeah, a failed session could be very unpleasant, but it hardly means you shouldn't try in the first place. Perhaps I would agree if I felt the session was predestined for failure for any number of reasons (like you've discussed); in that case it would be upsetting to have someon plow on doggedly saying "Damn the torpedoes, full speed ahead." But, as master_kyrk said, accidents happen. To not play because an accident could happen would make for an absolutely horrendous liife, wouldn't it?
her_Joe
One thing i have learned recently the hard way and i mean the hard way, and it took me about 3 years to learn it. Is do not compromise your integrity when it comes to BDSM.
That means several things. If you ahve a high grade session planned then do it. The only way you should not is if you feel your abilities are compromised. then in that case expalin what is going on and why, perhaps with some negotiation things can be wroked out.
By not compormising I also mean being true to yourself and your beliefs and ideals and standards. I am recovering grom a severe case of dom drop about 3 years worth actually. Where in order to make family happy (outside of my wife), I sacrificed some of my personality in toning down who i truoy am. The downside is both dannette and I suffered from it. the good news is i got a wake up call that is making me go back and re-evaluate who I am what I stand for, and really researching what I believe and stand for.
One other lessons I have learned as a parent that applies as a dom. If you tell someone yhou are going to do something do it. If you tell yourkid you will break their arm fi they do an action you ahve to break their arm or they will loose their resepct for yo0u. No i am not advocating abuse making a point albeit it extreme. If you tell someone your goign to do something you need to do it, In this lifestyle out word is outr bond, and if you do not keep your word you have broken a bond break enough bonds and trusty goes as well.
I hate punishing dannette it breaks my hear to but I have realzied for both of us to grow and for me to get beyond my dom drop and for her to becomen a better submissive.slave if i tell her i am going to punish her for somehting than IO had better make damn sure I do.
Sorry if it sounds like I am preaching or condeming not my intent but worked about a 20 hour day so is probably not the best time to psot this but wanted to get it done while it was fresh in my mind.
I also hope what I am trying to convey makes sense to more than just me at 3:00 AM.
I'm all for everyone involved having a few cold ones, then towards the end of the evening casting spiteful accusations at one another about who's fault it was.
But if that doesn't fix the problem (and I've been told that for some reason it doesn't work very often), talking it over's always a winner. I mean it sounds like the plan went south because things just weren't conducive to the general mood, not because the plan itself was necessarily a dud. You were tired, he was tired, the long drive and the work stuff and a whole bunch of other crap wasn't exactly helping the mood... The best bet's to have a bit of a chat about it, come to the agreement that it was doomed to be a write-off, and decide whether it's still an interesting enough idea to try doing right some time. Then once you've got some form of consensus about it being no big deal and a nice optimistic gameplan to get something kinky happening when you've had time to plan it and everyone's batteries are recharged, then you can get down to the serious business of having a few cold ones and casting spiteful accusations :)
Kyrk, that's one thing I'm learning. "All or nothing" has become a phrase we remind each other of. No halfsies. It's hard because you want to take care of your sub and keep things consensual, but you also don't want to compromise your desires.Quote:
Originally Posted by master_kyrk1
It was not a big huge deal, just one of life's bumps, but it's always good to ask advice from "outsiders" so you don't have too many of those "knock back a few cold ones and hurl accusations at each other" moments.
Not like I can call my sister or girlfriends and ask them how to deal with it, they don't have nearly the interesting sex life DH and I have.
thanks again,