Frustration. Thoughts needed.

I hope I'll find the right words.

I'm 25 and identified myself as a sub since my first sexual fantasy about 15 years ago. I've always been open minded and explorative, so I started to find out what was going on and which part of it was normal and common (you know, the usual stuff you do). So yes, I learned about BDSM and fetish at very young age and I've never had any other fantasies but strongly submissive.

I've had several long term vanilla-relationships and finally realised it will never be enough for me. I've been dating Doms, I've been chatting and reading, writing journals, discussing face to face, making friends in the scene, trying out lots of stuff, going to kinky parties etc.

I haven't found what I'm looking for. Haven't even found myself, not really.

Now i feel like my thoughts are going in circles and I really need advice.

My deepest desire and need is to be totally controlled.
I need to be forced to obey. I need someone to see through my provoking actions ("topping from the bottom?") and be able to deal with it.

It always seems to be about leather, pvc, high heels, whips, clamps, candles, dildos... I have no problem with that, but it really isn't my thing. It doesn't touch me. It's just... Material things. It's boring. I need someone to control my mind. Someone I can genuinely respect as a Dom as well as a person.

This always leads to the same point: I'm no good for a sub to play with. I don't get excited about all the fancy stuff. It's almost a turn off because I know from the beginning how it's gonna be ("Obey, or I'll use this!." "Errr... Wake me up when you're done, Sir.") . I don't react to any threat because I know he wouldn't go for it anyway. I can take the pain and reach the Dom's limits before even seeing my own. I don't like pain, I'm not a masochist, but pain, or threat of pain (or humiliation) needs to be used as a tool to make me obey. I always push and try to get the reaction I want and I usually succeed. It's totally frustrating. I feel like I'm in charge and control the situation.

I've explained all of this several times to several people and no one seems to get it. No one seems to really understand. And most importantly: no one seems to enjoy the same things (from the top). Playing with toys and dressing up in latex can be fun, but it doesn't satisfy my deepest need to be controlled (maybe even be broken).

Of course at first there has to be time to get to know each other.
Of course you have to play safe and keep the safe words etc there until you really know the person. It takes years, for me anyway.
I still feel lonely with my needs and thoughts. I feel like I'm open minded, yet still limited and unresponsive at the same time.

Anyone have any advice, thoughts or experiences to help me with this?
Anyone like me?

Try a Domme instead of a Dom.

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Originally Posted by Bald_J_and_F

Try a Domme instead of a Dom.

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What is the difference?

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Originally Posted by mmarilyn005

What is the difference?

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One's a girl and one's a boy.

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Originally Posted by sayuri

It always seems to be about leather, pvc, high heels, whips, clamps, candles, dildos... I have no problem with that, but it really isn't my thing. It doesn't touch me. It's just... Material things. It's boring. I need someone to control my mind. Someone I can genuinely respect as a Dom as well as a person.

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Sounds like me, only I'm a Dom, so same message, just from a different perspective.

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Originally Posted by Ocean_Soul

Sounds like me, only I'm a Dom, so same message, just from a different perspective.

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hhhmmm seems to me that Y/you two should get together then and maybe work out Y/your frustrations with each O/other!!

sayuri, all those material things are just what you said, play things. seems to me you are looking for the 'life' not just the play. to do that you need to be seeking a life partner not just a play partner.

i am very much the same as you. i always 'pushed' boyfriends to make them physically over power me, not realising that i was looking for a Master. but, luckily for me i have found One. He knows how to control me, my mind, my actions. that does not mean i do not think for myself, or that i have no opinions. just that He listens and decides.

anyway, good luck girl. stay true to yourself and dont settle for less

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Originally Posted by BDSgirl

Y/you... Y/your...O/other

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Please don't do that. Odd internet protocols only further the ideas in people's heads outside our communities that we are somehow "different" than the rest of them. Kind of like when serial killers are found to have bondage paraphenalia in their basements. That, too, asserts the image that we are "different" from the "normal" community.

"Play" or a DS relationship or the lifestyle itself depend much, much more on the imagination and the ability to think than they do on the use of toys and gadgets. In fact, in capable hands, a dominant needs nothing more than his voice and his eyes to convey all he needs to his submissive. The props and furniture are just icing on the cake. :)

I've always gone with the feeling that BDSM is no different to a vanilla relationship in that there are different levels to progress through.

Casual play is all very well, in the same way that one night stands can satisfy sexual urges, but it does not always completely fulfill desires. For that you need more trust, more experience of another person, more understanding of their needs and, in short, a richer and fuller relationship.

This sort of thing takes time to build, of course. Even once you find 'The One' for you, it will still take years to build up through the levels of the relationship to the point where you trust each other enough to give over complete control and truly feel that you are owned.

I suppose you are interested in a Dom/sub relationship but are not a fetishist. Not uncommon in the scene, I suppose, but an awful lot of people I know in this scene (including myself) also have a fetish for the toys and leather. As Tourguide says, these are only the icing on the cake, though, and a good Master or Mistress can control with nothing more than their voice.

One question you have to ask is: Does the thought of not pleasing your Dom make you feel ill inside? Also, do you fear losing them? These feelings are really the true punishment for wrongful actions by a sub, the physical punishments are merely the reminder and the training tool to emphasise that feeling. If you do not feel like this when you disobey then you are not being truly submissive to that person, merely playing (which is all very well for many and nothing I would criticise but not what YOU want in this case).

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Originally Posted by fetishdj

One question you have to ask is: Does the thought of not pleasing your Dom make you feel ill inside? Also, do you fear losing them?

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Those kind of feelings are very, very rare for me. Usually it's just me searching for something the other person don't have or don't want. That is actually one fundamental point in my crusade (melodrama intended ;) ): I want to be able to feel what you described, and most of the Doms I've met are honestly not worth it.

Yes, I need a life partner I can love and show my devotion to, but I also expect him to do the same for me. I am a sub but not just a sub. I definitely need a Dom, but I want the person behind the dominance also.

Sigh.

Fetishdj's point is very well taken "I've always gone with the feeling that BDSM is no different to a vanilla relationship in that there are different levels to progress through." It would apear that you are seeking someone who you feel you could give yourself to completely, mind and soul as well as body. This intense, loving commitment, is not easy to find no matter what terms you use to define the relationship--vanilla, D/s, bdsm, whatever. It seems to me that you are looking for a "soulmate," and that simple physical gratification is not sufficient. I wish you all luck in your search--when you find the right person, it will be incandescent.

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Originally Posted by sayuri

Those kind of feelings are very, very rare for me. Usually it's just me searching for something the other person don't have or don't want. That is actually one fundamental point in my crusade (melodrama intended ;) ): I want to be able to feel what you described, and most of the Doms I've met are honestly not worth it.

Yes, I need a life partner I can love and show my devotion to, but I also expect him to do the same for me. I am a sub but not just a sub. I definitely need a Dom, but I want the person behind the dominance also.

Sigh.

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Originally Posted by BDSgirl

hhhmmm seems to me that Y/you two should get together then and maybe work out Y/your frustrations with each O/other!!

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Souns like fun!

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Originally Posted by fetishdj

I've always gone with the feeling that BDSM is no different to a vanilla relationship in that there are different levels to progress through.

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Very Good point. I'm fairly new to this scene. Always been interested though, just not a lot of experiance.