BDSM resentment

After months of being absent from the site, I am back. Perhaps even a little wiser to how I feel about BDSM and what it means to me.

In the beginning of my BDSM journey, everything was moving so fast. It was like everything my Master and I did was a new experience and my senses were hightened. It did not take long for me to realize that BDSM had to be a regular part of my life. It was something that seemed to enhance my mood, sexually fulfill me, and I felt it gave my personality an edge. I could feel scarlet smiling inside.

A few months ago, my Master stopped all BDSM play. I found myself begging for His firm grip. And by not getting it, I slowly felt my inner sub dying. It was as if scarlet never existed. After 2 months without play, I found that I resented BDSM. I held a grudge. When the topic got brought up, I felt my heart sink and instantly got an attitude. I felt it was being dangled in front of me and no matter how hard I tried to grab it, it was never within reach. Silence finally fell on the topic. I pulled myself away from the site, put the collar and rope away, and accepted that our lifestyle had been put at rest. Through all of the lack of play, my Master seemed to have lost desire to enforce his role. It was like He didn't care for it.

A week ago, He pulled out the black rope. At that moment my heart skipped a beat but I found myself resistant. Why now? Why would you pull that out after months of silence? Why won't you tell me what your thoughts are? My Master has always admitted that he likes me a little bratty and has even requested that I grab walls, stair railings, and couches as he dragged me into the bedroom. My resistance when he pulled the rope out just made it worse. He succeeded at tying me to the head board and his (consensual) rape scene went as planned.

Last night I got a text from him that read: When I get home, I expect my slave to be wearing only the hooker red heels and I expect the rope and your collar to be on the dresser. This time I didn't resist. I did as I was told. Our session was exactly what I needed. It fulfilled everything. To feel the rope around my wrists, the lock on my collar seemed to jingle as in dangled, His hand wrap around my throat... Even "Yes, Master" was music to my own ears. And I never thought I'd actually enjoy the feeling of sub drop. Before sub drop was something I dreaded... Knowing that I would be miserable until my body high had completely vanished and wasn't lingering around. The sub drop has me swimming in the events of last night.

Although I don't fully understand why there was complete silence on the topic and He has kept His reasoning to himself for the most part, I have learned something from all this. My inner sub never died. scarlet surfaced on command. Lack of play did make me appreciate it more and I find myself being less pushy. I know that He will make it happen on His terms. Not my own.

I still feel that BDSM is something I have to have. It is something that I found out about myself and refuse to let silence fall over it again. However this time around I will remember my place, appreciate what I have, and know that my Master is still just as excited with the thought as I am.

<3

Scarlett, thank you. My l/M has been very distant lately, even for a LDR, and I have been wondering if our entire relationship was over. Your comments have given me hope that things will be okay again. My advantage is that I know some of the reasons he has pulled away-he's back in school after almost twenty years, his mom recently died, and her husband has been having some major health issues that Dog had to deal with. My disadvantages are that he wouldn't let me help or be with him through any of this, which made/makes me wonder how much he trusts me, and that, even though I was in the same state, just an hour and a half away instead of twenty hours, for almost two months, I only got to see him once in that time, and now I am back being twenty hours away, and I don't know when I can go back.
Best of luck to you, and thanks again for the hope.

Those are major life stressors. I'd try being available, sympathetic, but not pushing in. Many people, and perhaps male dominants especially, need to be alone with their grief and don't look outside of themselves for help. But having "you" there at the very moment before we break is exceptionally important.

This may be getting way off the original topic, but I am really afraid that I am losing him. He is my first "real" BDSM lover, and I am not sure I can be this open, this trusting, with anyone else, which would mean losing BDSM, too. And losing one of my best friends in addition. Oz, you're SCA, so you at least will understand this bit: about 14 years ago, someone in kingdom went to him, insulting me. Without fighting in anger (an SCA no-no, big time,) Dog will still look for a chance to fight this guy whenever they are both armored up. He is, without being an actual knight in the SCA, my knight in shining armor, my hero, my defender. And the guy who can take me to sexual heights I have never felt before.
I am called MamaS---- by a lot of people (still hiding my real name) because I have this need to take care of people. He wouldn't let me do anything for him-not buy him dinner, not drive him back and forth so he could nap or study, not even hold him while he slept for one night. I couldn't do anything for him when his life was really awful, except, seemingly, add more stress. Why would he keep me? Lots of women give good head, and they are younger, prettier, sexier than I am. (See post in jealousy thread for more info.) Sorry I am venting; the holidays seem to bring out the worst in me.
But I can see where someone who was cut off might resent people who are happily beating or getting beaten. (To return to the original thread, just for fun.) I am just trying to hang on to hope that I will have the chance to be happily in pain with my love again. I wish I could get him on this site-maybe it would at least re-open the lines of communication between us.
Scarlett, let me say again that I am happy for you, once I break through my own resentment issues. Enjoy your Master, let him enjoy you, and, incidentally, be a beacon of hope for me and others who are without partners. Oz, thank you again for all the insights you have shared. I think that, were we in the same kingdom, we could be real friends. (NOT a come-on. I really mean just friends. Not that I say never anymore, but I am a little busy right now . . . husband, kid (homeschooled), lover/Master with his own major issues, best friend/heart sister with health and financial issues who is staying with me and husband, possible upcoming back surgery . . . a have too much on my plate to take on another lover right now, and, while I can be a flirt, I am NOT a tease.)
Everyone else: sorry if I got too personal in this post. Between this thread and the jealousy one, I guess I got kind of set off. Thanks for your patience with me.

As Oz said... I think being too pushy or too invasive during hard times can cause people to shut down more. I really feel that very thing may have been another reason for the silence in our relationship. And I think once I backed off just a little, he let his guard down some. And when I shut up about rope, he seemed to pull it back out. I was sure that BDSM was no longer a part of us and found that I got jealous of those that were still involved. Hence why I stopped coming to the site. I'm glad my story gave you some hope. It may seem like things are spiraling out of control but sometimes all you have to do is take a few steps back and let the situation breathe a little. Things will fall into place. Even if its not in a way you want it to fall. Stay hopeful and communicate your feelings. Best of luck, lady :)

I'm trying. But everything I say, no matter how I intend it, seems to make him feel like I'm trying to make him feel guilty, which is so not the case. Really, where in, "I love you and miss you" is the guilt trip? I just want him to know I care, and that I am there for him. I think there is something more; I just wish he would share his feelings with me. If it's over, tell me and let me grieve, then start healing. If not, tell me what the new limits are. In his old job, we would talk on the phone for 6, 8 hours at a time. And we talked everyday. Now, I haven't heard from him in 2 weeks. I'm holding on, though, at least until the new term starts for him. If I haven't had a response by then, I guess I will have to give up.
Thanks, y'all for listening.