Sub vs. Slave and being constantly turned on

Hi Everyone,

This is my first post and it comes from a place of need. Right now, I think that I just need to have someone who understands my stuggle nearby.

To start off, when I discovered BDSM I identified myself as a submissive. Partially, because there was a large part of me that balked at being someone's slave. I didn't mind submitting, but only with the understanding that that submission was something that I chose to give. I didn't think that a slave would be given a choice and didn't want to put myself into a category where I felt that I would lose my freedom to choose.

Well it's been about a year since 'my awakening' and I have found that I get horny for months at a time. It will be a constant hunger and the more intense our sex and loving is then the hungrier I become. It is something that I have felt is out of control. I've spent most of my two week vacation working through my submission and especially this aspect.

This leads me to the the third point. This hunger level and the need for constant loving is making me re-think whether or not I am truly more of a slave than a sub. The idea of feeling in control is becoming more and more ludacris. My submissive needs goes so deep sometimes that it takes me through hell to climb back out of it. I have to climb back out of it because my husband is new to this too and my constant need for sex is causing arguments. It's getting to the point where there's now distance in my marriage from this.

In my daily life I take on dominant roles in just about every aspect. So, the whoe sub thing kinda threw me. I am sure that it threw my hubby as well. He is a natural dom but it is now appearing as though my interests run much deeper than his. I don't know if I should continue to delve into BDSM or just try to float right here.

I am sure that many of you have experienced these same problems so any advice would be more than welcome.

Well, first, you need to come to the realization of whether you are truly sub or slave. Once you do, it will help you decide where you want/need to be with this. You mention that being a slave means no choice....I disagree. I myself am a slave to my Master who is also my boyfriend of two years. When getting into this, we discussed it AT LENGTH what I will have say in and what I dont. Most of the stuff is my girls ( who he does NOT interfere with ANY decision I make pertaining to them at all), my getting new tattoos ( because its something I did BEFORE we decided to do this and also its a way for me to express myself) and my painting, which i also do to express myself. I also am dominant as far as other aspects of my life ( my girls, when Master actually lets me go out with my friends etc) but, in my relationship, EVERY OTHER aspect of myself is a slave. I LIVE and YEARN to please my Master and make him happy in every way... we TOTALLY live 24/7 TPE and it works for us....

It sounds to me like you have to discuss with your husband really want you both want out of this experience....If you are finding more about yourself then your husband is willing to give, then I really think that you should talk and discuss. I am constantly horny too and my Master LOVES it...MOST Masters or Dominants SHOULD want their subs/slaves horny...so the fact that your constant hornyness is causing problems should be a red flag.

My only advice is talk, discuss and find who YOU are as far as being sub or slave....

Don't worry so much about terminology. I am not concerned about whether or not you are a sub or a slave, but that you are concerned about your self-control.

A few questions;

You say that you are feeling that it is a problem, are you finding that it is interfering with life? Causing problems at work? Social problems? (other than the issues with your husband).

How were you before this started? Sex drive is one of those things which is difficult to quantify, as it is very personal based on individual perception. Is it plausible that this is a case that you are finally feeling sexual and aren't used to it?

Roughly how old are you? Pre-menopausal women frequently have increased sex drive. If you are in that age range, this may not be related to the relationship at all.

Carpe Coma
That's a very good question and I am happy to say that it has not created problems with anyone other than my husband. Work and other social groups are fine. But it is a problem when my hubby and I argue about it. Then I feel self conscious because I am still horny, but just horny and upset.

I am 34 years old. Hopefully, menopause isn't coming along too soon :)

It's really interesting that you ask what I was like before. I've spent lots of time analyzing this and looking back now that I know that I am a submissive. I can easily say that I have always had a strong sex drive, I just never knew when I would actually cum during sex. Given that there were many times that sex was not enjoyable, I could easily give or take it.

I had only experienced actually being horny a handful of times up until my awakening. When I say being horny i mean that there's a physical feeling that is urging one towards sex. Other times it was more in my head than a physical feeling. Now though, it's a physical feeling that stays with me for long periods of time. It's almost impossible to ignore.


Twisted32,

Thank you for your insight. This has been quite a journey of discovery for me. I am thinking that maybe its the same for my husband. I probably just need to give him the same kind of time that I needed to work these things out. Your post helped me to come to this conclusion. I am just shocked that this has been such a huge issue. You should have seen us two years ago. Then we were having it out cause HE wanted it much more often than I did and I wasn't feeling it. Neither of us ever thought that there would be the day when he would tell me that he did NOT want to do it! :)

Hello hotblackchick,

Reading your original post I got the impression that you still are struggling to assimilate and understand the myriad of different emotions and feelings which accompany the “awakening” you have experienced. I would strongly agree with Twisted32 - at this point trying to determine whether you are a “slave” or “submissive” isn’t really a priority. Frankly those terms are pretty ambiguous anyway as most people in the lifestyle have their own personal definitions and opinions about what those terms mean. Still I think semantics does have a good deal to do with the issues you are facing. While the term “submissive” gets tossed about as if we all know perfectly well what the other person means when using it, nothing could be further from the truth. I wouldn’t presume to give you advice because I don’t know you, but thought I might offer a few things you could spend time contemplating that might in the end help you to come to terms with the problems you feel have cropped up as a result of your “awakening”.

First, it is quite normal and actually quite common for persons who are actually quite comfortable in filling a very dominant role in the other aspects of life to discover that with respect to the lifestyle, they are submissive. So that in and of itself should not cause you to doubt whether you are submissive. The one thing that brought questions to mind as I read your post was the fact that while you did speak of “needs” and “hunger” you didn’t use those words with respect to feeling a hunger for or need to submit, but used them with regard to the powerful need to have sex. There is at least in my opinion a very great difference between being sexually submissive and being submissive in the sense that that label is used in BDSM which far and away transcends the singular concept of sexual expression.

Many people enjoy being “taken in hand” and filling the submissive role in the bedroom, but that isn’t a factual definition of BDSM lifestyle submission. It can be an aspect of it of course, but far from the whole. If the lifestyle were about nothing more than sex, then it would just be an alternative means of experiencing sex, not a lifestyle at all. It is the dynamics of a power exchange that makes it a lifestyle and two people finding real gratification in that power exchange from the two opposite perspectives of the submission and dominance continuum. Quite often people are ready to label themselves submissive but also very often they aren’t talking about wanting to "serve" a dominant. When push comes to shove, it often turns out what they want is be titillated and have their own sexual wants satisfied, whether it's of any benefit to a dom or not. Service is an integral component of what submission is all about. Serving a dominant is serving the dominant’s needs, not yours. In fact it really doesn't matter whether you like the activity or not, the fact that the dominant benefits from it and is pleased by it is a submissive's reward.

You stated that your husband is “naturally dominant” but stopped short of saying that he fills the role of a Dom for you, again two very different concepts. Also it seemed evident that your relationship pre-dated an interest in D/s and all of this is relatively new to you both. A sobering thing that must be considered is the fact that it is supremely difficult to establish a D/s relationship within an existing relationship because of the simple fact that while both partners might be interested in exploring it, generally one person’s “awakening” tends to be more powerfully felt. Given that only 10% of the general population develops a real interest in this lifestyle, I think that is only to be expected. I do understand that discovering something so exciting and that produces such strong emotions does give rise to feelings of impatience to experience it. But if it is true submission that you feel a need to express and your partner agrees to take control, even in a limited way, and to accept your service, you're ahead of the game. It is quite easy to blow it by pushing. Let things move along at his pace. Be open to questions and ready with additional suggestions, should he ask, but don't try to move him farther or faster than he wants to go. This will only serve to make him less interested and willing to provide what it is you want.

I apologize for the length of this reply, but felt it was important to establish a proper foundation before suggesting that perhaps the issues you are dealing with are not so much D/s issues as simple garden variety relationship issues that all couples face. An event has triggered an increase in libido for you which causes you to crave more sexual gratification and apparently at least at this point, your husband’s libido is an imperfect match for yours. I’m aware that rather than solutions what I offer here is likely only more to consider than you already face, but I think the best you can manage at this point, is to give serious consideration to what you mean when you say submission is important to you. Then try as best you can to temper feelings of impatience and above all keep the communication channels open with your husband. Hopefully together you can work towards a solution that meets both your needs and his. Good luck!

Kindest regards,
In2kink

This is about the answer I expected. This may simply be a case of dealing with desires that you aren't used to yet. Rather like someone who has never been hungry having their first few hunger pains. If that is the case, then how much it bothers you will probably reduce over time. Though it may not happen, or may not happen soon enough.

While it goes counter to popular wisdom, the average woman has a much higher sexual potential than the average man. Men tend to need quite a bit more down time between 'sessions' ;) It just goes under utilized as throngs upon throngs of women are not aroused by "hey baby, let's bang" (Lord knows, I've tried). Keep this discrepancy in mind and don't harangue him over getting more as nobody is happy when that happens, and it adds pressure to the next time. Fear may be the mind killer, but pressure is the mood killer. What ever you do, don't make it about him failing in some form. Instead, make it about how he has succeeded so well, how you want him so badly.

Things to consider/try:

1: Lightening up the d/s element a bit and give yourself some time to adapt. It is a relatively simple approach, however adaptation may not occur. I suspect that you don't want to do this, else you probably would have tried this already.

2: Turning him on instead. Rather than get aggravated that you aren't getting enough, encourage him into the mood. Don't expect it to work every time, nor get upset when it doesn't work, nor press the issue. Though you can pout a little :) Move on to the next one instead.

3: Satisfy yourself. Nothing wrong with some masturbation to take the edge off. Even better if you do it around him and/or ask him for permission ;) It's important that you don't hide it from him and that you not frame it as "he's not doing enough". If you have some spare time/money you could go the extra mile and get a casting of him to use for the task.

4: Chastity belt. This works for some people and not others. Some find that having that physical barrier helps take their mind off of it. Others may find that it makes it even worse for them. Good belts can be rather expensive and getting a good fit is almost always an issue. If the other three options are unpalatable and you have the time/money, this is worth a shot.

5: Ask him for ideas. Framing this correctly is very important. Something on the order of: "I love what you are doing to me, however I get so worked up over it that it is driving me crazy. What can we do about this?" This way there is no blame, no "you need to do more". Instead, you have complimented him, focused on the positive, and by using "we" instead of "you", have framed it as a cooperative task rather than laying blame at his feet in a "you caused it, you fix it" manner.