Do you find that what excites you changes according to your partner?

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10-05-2008
leah06

Do you find that what excites you changes according to your partner?

Do you find that what excites you changes according to your partner?

This sounds like a stupid question - of course it does. But I don't mean necessarily how your partner is in bed or what s/he does to you, I mean like does your fantasy life and sense of what's exciting to YOU change?

I was with one partner for a very long time, and while the content of our sex life was pretty varied, the theme was basically bondage. Since then I've had erotic interactions with two people, one of whom was definitely a "mind fuck" kind of person and one of whom is very physically controlling but has no interest in obedience or voluntary submissive gestures, and limited interest in bondage.

What's a little disturbing to me is how easily I can shift my own sense of what's erotic, to the extent that my own stories and fantasies change according to my partner's preference. It's almost like the other erotic experiences have been erased. I had thought that I pretty much knew what excited me, but now I wonder if ANY of this actually excites me in itself, or if my own sense of the erotic is just another variable in pleasing my partner.

I've made this sound very black and white, and of course it's not - all of this falls into a context of power exchange and submission, which is why I'm posting here, and of course I would not be turned on by, say, a bottle cap fetish no matter how much it pleased my partner, but within these general parameters, I am troubled by how malleable my preferences seem to be.

So here's what I'm afraid of, and I've been trying for a long time to figure out how to ask about it - If you really like to please another person, how can you tell what YOU want, and not what you want to want because it would please him? How can you tell what's pushing limits and expanding horizons, and what's a sick willingness to go along with anything?

I wish I could ask this more clearly. It has been bothering me ever since I found that the act of acquiescing in something that I had previously found unappealing was itself very exciting.
10-05-2008
jeanne

Quote:

Originally Posted by rachel06

Do you find that what excites you changes according to your partner?

This sounds like a stupid question - of course it does. But I don't mean necessarily how your partner is in bed or what s/he does to you, I mean like does your fantasy life and sense of what's exciting to YOU change?

I would be surprised if it didn't change!

Quote:

I had thought that I pretty much knew what excited me, but now I wonder if ANY of this actually excites me in itself, or if my own sense of the erotic is just another variable in pleasing my partner.

Bingo! That's so much of it for me too.

Quote:

So here's what I'm afraid of, and I've been trying for a long time to figure out how to ask about it - If you really like to please another person, how can you tell what YOU want, and not what you want to want because it would please him? How can you tell what's pushing limits and expanding horizons, and what's a sick willingness to go along with anything?

I wish I could ask this more clearly. It has been bothering me ever since I found that the act of acquiescing in something that I had previously found unappealing was itself very exciting.

For me the line between pushing limits and expanding horizons vs. a sick willingness to go along with anything is: How do I feel during and more importantly, after? If I feel icky or uncomfortable or 'not right', then yes, I've come to a place where my submissiveness has been hijacked by insecurity or fear or something else negative. One of the things about submission for me - it's joyful. I feel full of life and joy and peace and happiness and gratitude in the midst of it all...even when I'm gasping or crying or my body is aching or my mind is tired and rebelling. When I don't have that feeling I'm definitely doing or accepting something that goes against who I am at my core.

You know, finding my pleasure in His pleasure is one of the basic definitions of submission to me. I think maybe you are worrying about something that is actually a lovely part of who you are as a submissive.
10-05-2008
tired.of.vanilla{DJ}

i am excited by stuff that makes Mistress D'Jade happy. And for the majority i was a match anyway, but yes, people are turned on by what turns on their Dom/me...perfectly natural. To a point of course...
scat play will always repulse me personally no matter Who is into it. Thank goodness it is not my problem nor will ever be!
10-06-2008
Ozme52

Quote:

Originally Posted by rachel06

What's a little disturbing to me is how easily I can shift my own sense of what's erotic, to the extent that my own stories and fantasies change according to my partner's preference. It's almost like the other erotic experiences have been erased. I had thought that I pretty much knew what excited me, but now I wonder if ANY of this actually excites me in itself, or if my own sense of the erotic is just another variable in pleasing my partner.

Sounds to me like you are indeed most excited by the act of providing pleasure...

Quote:

I've made this sound very black and white, and of course it's not - all of this falls into a context of power exchange and submission, which is why I'm posting here, and of course I would not be turned on by, say, a bottle cap fetish no matter how much it pleased my partner, but within these general parameters, I am troubled by how malleable my preferences seem to be.

This strikes me as one of those things best left under analyzed. In other words, don't be troubled by it. What difference does it make what your preferences are so long as you enjoy them at said time.

Quote:

So here's what I'm afraid of, and I've been trying for a long time to figure out how to ask about it - If you really like to please another person, how can you tell what YOU want, and not what you want to want because it would please him? How can you tell what's pushing limits and expanding horizons, and what's a sick willingness to go along with anything?

I'll go out on the proverbial limb and suggest that the act of asking the question alone means you shouldn't be worried... and that there is nothing "sick" about it.

Quote:

I wish I could ask this more clearly. It has been bothering me ever since I found that the act of acquiescing in something that I had previously found unappealing was itself very exciting.

Many do. And shall continue as they grow... as you grow. There is nothing wrong with being excited by what you do, regardless of how you got to that point, so long as it is ultimately consensual.
10-06-2008
damyanti

I think the point where you would have a reason to worry, is when you cross something that was previously a hard hard limit for you (and is considered a hard limit by most people), but you are now acquiescing to it. I think somebody said it before in another thread,...the single best measuring bar we have is common sense.

I do understand what you are talking about, and I am much the same. I am submissive, I am attracted to dominant men and I get off on the D/s power exchange, but everything else on that scale is up for discussion, (hard limits excluded) I am into what my partner is into. I get turned on by a wide variety of things (fantasies) and they are great, but they are not mandatory. And it is in our submissive nature to be accommodating. The most importat thing is the person I am attracted to and trust.
10-06-2008
bip0lar

oh, i had never actually thought about that, i had always dismissed the thought as being 'normal' *smiles*. I don't think i have never had an encounter where things got too out of hand or out of logic, if you will, for me to say 'no' or not enjoy myself. Even things I wasn't that keen on doing [i wouldn't even call them a soft limit, just something i needed a bit more persuasion to actually do] i found myself enjoying because i was doing them. I think i got off more on the fact that i did it because it was required and the other person was happy. Probably it's what your mind focuses on at the time, i guess.
If the choices of things you have to think from are
a) i do it because He/She says so
b) i don't like it i don't like it i don't like it
c) i hate it and i want it to stop or
d) hm, this ain't so bad now is it?
you focus on one of the four that does help you along and works with your sexuality.

*ponders* does it make sense?
10-26-2008
Pearlgem

Quote:

Originally Posted by rachel06

So here's what I'm afraid of, and I've been trying for a long time to figure out how to ask about it - If you really like to please another person, how can you tell what YOU want, and not what you want to want because it would please him? How can you tell what's pushing limits and expanding horizons, and what's a sick willingness to go along with anything?

I don't know how I missed this one, rachel.

I'm trying to work this out now not with a new partner but with a long standing one. I had noticed a while back that it didn't really matter what form my submission took; as long as it pleased him it made me happy to submit. What this means in practice is that you give up, or put to the side practices you'd prefer in favour of the ones you get. My Dom isn't hugely into bondage or going down on me - but he prolongs orgasm which is delicious torture. He loves his cane far more than I love it but I have truly learned to find ways to give him that difficult gift that pleases him so much and satisfies my yearning to submit to his pleasure.

However, lately a new element has crept into our relationship. I don't want to go into explicit detail but it's a mind fuck of sorts. I hate it. I object to it. I can't fully consent to it. This is the crux. It is affecting my ability and willingness in all other areas to submit to him. I just can't find that surrender like I used to that is so necessary to give yourself over completely to another with joy, even the joy of enduring difficult tasks and hard pain for the pleasure of another.

I am trying to work it out but I can't submit under these circumstances. So, I guess you'll know - when you lose your joy in submitting, what you are doing is wrong for you. I only hope I can make my Master, wonderful in all other ways, see this.
11-08-2008
sinderella

Quote:

Originally Posted by rachel06

Do you find that what excites you changes according to your partner?

[...] how can you tell what YOU want, and not what you want to want because it would please him? How can you tell what's pushing limits and expanding horizons, and what's a sick willingness to go along with anything?

I wish I could ask this more clearly. It has been bothering me ever since I found that the act of acquiescing in something that I had previously found unappealing was itself very exciting.

a good Dom will never push you at all, rather, take his cues from you and lead you down the darkened steps, sometimes taking little detours that, while unexpected, prove out to be extremely exciting. he will also determine what your likes/dislikes are, fears, what you are willing/not willing to do beforehand by asking questions, either in the form of a questionaire or just by asking you. then he will tell you what he likes and see if you are agreeable to it or willing to experiment. that is the wonder and joy of the exchange of power, and a very special kind of love that people not privileged to it can ever hope to find.

p.s. my desires are pretty consistent and don't change, but if i happen to be introduced to something new, it will be added to my mental toybox and brought out depending on His mood or wishes. i an happy to do anything, as it is my complete pleasure to please Him.
11-10-2008
icey

Quote:

Originally Posted by rachel06

So here's what I'm afraid of, and I've been trying for a long time to figure out how to ask about it - If you really like to please another person, how can you tell what YOU want, and not what you want to want because it would please him? How can you tell what's pushing limits and expanding horizons, and what's a sick willingness to go along with anything?

.

because (im assuming here sorry) like many subs what turns you on isnt just about the actual sex act it's also because you are doing what He wants, and i think if you were pushing your limits way too far or found something really sick then you'd suddenly find that you couldnt or even wouldnt go ahead with it.
and if you've previously discussed limits nogoes etc then unless you're unlucky enough to be with someone who doesnt give a damn what you want or feel you're unlikely to ever truly find yourself in such an extreme position.