Making amends

I want my slave to be just that, my slave. But as my slave she will know exactly how to behave according to the situation she is in. That is my duty as her owner, I need to ensure that she understands that and I am the one to blame if she cannot deliver me that wish.
Recently, I must confess, due to my habitual arrogance and self-assurance, I failed my beloved. I pushed her for more than she was comfortable giving up. We have since resolved our issue and moved past it. We have learned to work together very well, during time.
My character is minimalist, total control. Because in life you have two choices: you die or you live. I find it too easy just to die. I’m a perfectionist. If in that coldness you detect a slight touch of ambivalence, its due to Adriana. That's the only thing...The only person I care about.
Everyone has a human responsibility but when a lot of people look at you, place their trust in you, you feel it more. This concern is always there when I'm choosing to cross new brackets in our play/relationship. After 20+ active years in the scene I should have known better…and I miscalculated.
I believe many of the key elements of Bushido are important to understanding how to perceive ones own dominance. There are seven key principles:
1. taking the right decision, with equanimity, the right attitude, the truth. Rectitude. (Gi)
2. bravery, almost heroism (Yu)
3. benevolence (Jin)
4. the essential quality, courtesy (Rei)
5. truthfulness (Makoto)
6. glory and honour (Melyo)
7. devotion and loyalty (Chugo).
Just because you think that she should know what you mean, does not mean that she does know. It is my responsibility to teach my pet those abilities she needs to meet my expectations. The formula is very simple. I cannot be mad at a child, because its shoelaces are not tied, when I have not taught that child how to do it. This applies not only to physical abilities; it also applies to the non-tangible things.
How do you control your slave? Quite often that question is discussed on various online forums and quite often will you find that control should be achieved by tight feedback loops, rules and regulations. I can agree to some extent, as we are always looking for a common ground which is achieved ultimately by those tools mentioned above; consistency.
So lest we not forget again:
· I only ask my pet to behave in a certain way or push one of her limits when I can truly support her and when I need her to do it for me.
· I am always mindful of her state of mind and I will never pursue one of my fantasies when it is obvious that the current situation makes her feel uneasy or sick.
· She is still a human being, I will respect her emotions and the way her body and brain feel.
· I will always demand more of her. It is always good enough, but never perfect. There is always something more to learn.
Dominance and submission are not games. It is impossible to create a long lasting relationship with your partner unless she is willing to give herself to you. You must gain her trust and create an environment in which she can feel utterly safe. This does not necessarily mean that there must be any feeling of love involved, but it does for us and most relationships which go to the depths and extremes (of surrender).
Make sure that you understand what you are doing to your slave’s mind and her body. Educate yourself by using workshops and any other source available. It is important that you develop a basic understanding of human anatomy and the specifics of female anatomy. This is essential knowledge as many of the activities in BDSM can become very physical.
“Patience is the cure for all suffering.“ My pet knows that she sometimes frustrates me, just as I frustrate her. Frustration can stem from a lot of sources, most of the time it is lack of understanding why I expect her to act in a certain way. Education is an essential part of any BDSM relationship, you need to be able to share your doubts and fears so that a topic may be resolved. To be able to do so you need to feel comfortable.
Human beings are creatures of comfort. We like to feel at home in an environment we understand well and have gotten used to. It allows us to anticipate and understand well what is expected and thus makes us less prone to failure. Whenever someone tries to introduce change into an established environment you also introduce uncertainty. No one likes uncertainty and with the amount of personal emotion involved your slave likes uncertainty even less. When you introduce new rules, when you make changes you need to ensure that your slave feels safe prior to doing so.
Knowing that there is room for mistakes and especially the knowledge that these mistakes will be met with patience are an important tool to create the safety needed prior to introducing changes. When the likelihood to “fail”, as she tries something new, becomes suddenly close to zero, she is more willing to try. Whatever she is going to see as a result will be accepted as a valid attempt and it will reinforce that she can continue trying, getting better each time.
We naturally make mistakes, making mistakes is a huge part of our learning process. Avoiding mistakes slows our learning process down, tolerating mistakes by being patient will allow your slave to progress much more easily into a state of mind where she will want to no longer fail or make mistakes.
My basic assumption always is that you slave loves nothing more than to please you. I know that mine does and I know she does love to please me because there are emotions involved, because she feels safe, because she values my patience and above all she is proud. There is nothing better than pride to motivate a slave into success. Pride can be fostered by first allowing her to not be perfect, to not succeed right away and this can be achieved by being considerate and patient in your responses. A well-tempered and measured response will reinforce the security needed to push limits and to learn and embrace new sensations or techniques.
My patience might appear to be infinite at times, but even mine will run out sooner or later. You will need to make a conscious decision when it is enough. My rule of thumb is very simple. Once I feel that my slave understands what I am trying to achieve, once we have established that she is physically capable of doing so and once I can be sure that she feels there will be no harm coming to her from the introduced change my patience starts to thin. I will allow for some mistakes being made, but I expect those mistakes to become less frequent and less severe over time. Once I feel a change has become a well-established procedure my patience stops. My slave knows very well that I will never repeat myself for well-established rules and she understands that there are consequences when she fails to satisfy well-established procedures.
I have a no failure policy. My pet cannot fail me as long as she tries her best. I will always give her the benefit of the doubt and assume that she does try her best. If she did not, then our relationship would be suffering already very badly. Since she is always trying her best and amount of mistakes made will decrease, she can always rest assured that she is pleasing me and not failing me. Do not let your slave think that she is failing you, it will break her heart and a broken heart does not serve well.

Just so you know, I am writing this with tears in my eyes. I must have done something special in my former life for karma to have gifted me with you.

I know what you are trying to do, but it isn't necessary. I know you. I know what you are like. No one has ever placed so much importance on my wellbeing, on my happiness, on my safety and my comfort, - and very often at your personal expense. My reaction that day had nothing to do with you, it was a relapse entirely of my own making! A relapse into the days of doubt and selfishness and unhappiness; by trying to hold on to parts of myself - even when you have already given all of yourself to me. Sometimes the fact that there is no longer you or I, but that we are One, is frighteningly overwhelming as it is wonderful. I know that I am safe with you. I do trust you (its myself I doubted).

Words can not express how I feel about you, the emotions that engulf me when I see you laugh and know that you are mine. I am the luckiest woman in the world to have you as my Husband and Master, I truly am. And for what I am worth, I am Yours.

Thank you both for sharing such a deeply personal experience in such an eloquent and enlightening way....I am getting misty and teary reading it too!

Wow, absolutely beautiful! Thank you both.

Thank you.
The wisdom and the words within the words are a great help to those of us new to this as a lifestyle. The heights and depths of these relationships are confined by or set free by how we define them. Defining them with words such as Honour, Courtesy, Benevolence, Devotion, and Loyalty create a Relationship between two people that is greater than the individual giving both Dom and sub a master to whom they are responsible.

How the heck this this thing get buried????

I swear every single dom and sub or anyone in between should read this thread!!!!

Then they should read it again to make sure they "got it" burned in thier head like a brand!!!!

I appluad you both for your bravery and wisdom.

Thank you so much for this post! This addresses a lot of issues Master and i have had lately. i am asking Him to read this. Thank you again!

I just want to give everyone my deepest thanks for your warm words :) (especially denu - you sure have a way with words :d).

Here is a blog link, if anyone is interested http://www.bdsmlibrary.com/forums/blog.php?b=128

I like bdsm, I like technical stuff, lol, I love my Husband - but every now and then, I get scared. Not of Him, not of what we are doing - but the sheer vastness of my surrender, of how deeply symbiotic our relationship has become. It is frightening to realize you love someone so much, that if something happened to them, you could not live without them.

We are good now, :), and that episode is behind us. I wish I could say that it will never happen again - I will try, but it probably will. What I do know is that He will be there to catch me if I fall. I am a lucky girl.