theladystouch Second Level 2 Assignment
Whew! This exercise was made a little more challenging by the fact that none of my formatting transferred from Word to this application. I found the formatting here a little cumbersome, and hope I got most of the edits where I wanted them.
I'll have to consider this a first pass, as I won't be able to see how it turned out until it is posted here. With that disclaimer, here is my first editing effort.
Hello, Aussiegirl.
I enjoyed reading your chapter. You start off with a very nice hook that draws the reader into the story immediately, and I like the premise of the story.
That said, I notice you have some problems with paragraphing. You should begin a new paragraph with each new thought or idea you wish to convey. As a practical matter, this usually involves a new paragraph each time dialogue is started, and definitely whenever the speaker changes.
It is also helpful to vary your wording. Using a word more than once in a sentence is usually discouraged unless you have a particular reason for doing so.
I've also addressed some grammatical and punctuation issues, but they are mostly nits.
Now, with those comments, let's move on to some specific instances!
LISA’S REALITY by Aussiegirl ( the first chapter of my very first story!)
Chapter one - Taken
Text reflecting a character's thoughts should be underinedOh god, not again! Lisa struggled as she felt a hand cover her mouth and was lifted off the ground by a firm arm around her waist. She kicked her legs in the air, but soon realised she was not going anywhere.
{paragraph}Suddenly, she felt a sharp pain like a bite in her bottom and everything started to go fuzzy. Try as she might, she was unable to stay alert and felt herself getting weaker until everything went dark.
****
Lisa started to wake [delete] awoke (active verbs are usually better at bringing the reader into the story)slowly, feeling strange but not knowing why. She had a bit of a headache and she was thirsty. When sShe went to move her arm out to grab the glass of water she always kept beside her bed, [COLOR="rgb(255, 0, 255)"]but[/COLOR] it wouldn’t move.
{paragraph}She tried again, and this time she pulled harder, but found she still couldn’t move her arm. [COLOR="rgb(255, 0, 255)"]She[/COLOR] Next, Lisa tried to open her eyes to see why her arm was stuck, and found she couldn’t do that either. Too many sentences here begin with the word "she".
{paragraph}Trying not to panic, she tested her other arm and found it wouldn’t move either. The same thing with her legs, ; they were somehow held firmly to what felt like a bed.
{paragraph}Suddenly, she remembered being grabbed, and the sting in her bottom. Lisa started to panic and struggle against her binds. (Very nice description.)
“Now, now, don’t fight so, my dear. We don’t want you hurting yourself".." (The period belongs inside the quotation mark here.) Lisa heard the deep male voice and froze.
{paragraph}She went to say something, but felt a finger lightly touch her lips.
{paragraph}“Shhh, I don’t want you to say anything, just listen, ok.”
{paragraph}Lisa nodded and the finger was removed from her lips. She felt the bed dip and realised that the man was now sitting on the bed beside her. She held her breath as she felt a hand move down her neck and rest on her left breast. With a shock, she realised that if she could feel his hand on her breast, she must not have her shirt and bra on anymore. She let out her breath in a small sob as the hand moved to touch her other breast.
Steve looked at the young girl that lay tied to the bed. She was 17 and was in her final year of high school. They had been watching her for a while, and had grabbed her on her way to school that morning. He knew that she was not yet fully recovered from the shot she had been given and that this was the best time to begin to mould the girl to the role she would eventually become – that of a slave.(This sentence is a little awkward. You don't usually become a role. More often you play it, or grow into it, or accept it.)
{paragraph}That is what he did[COLOR="rgb(255, 0, 255)"],[/COLOR]. Hhe trained slaves, and he was very good_at it.
{paragraph}It helped that the company he worked for kept an eye on the young girls in the towns (wordy) around the state, and were very good at spotting signs of submission. Lisa had been earmarked over a year ago; it was just a matter of when to collecting (wordy) her. As Steve ran his hands over the soft breasts of the girl, he could feel her body shaking, and her little sobs.
{paragraph}“[delete space]Lisa, listen to me,.” Hhe heard the girl give another sob[COLOR="rgb(255, 0, 255)"],[/COLOR].
{paragraph}“[delete space] TToday you left your old life behind. You will never go back to your school or your home.”
{paragraph}He knew it was harsh, but he had found out (if a word isn't needed, delete it) over time, that it was better to be brutal at the start. This message would be repeated over and over until they she knew it was true.
Lisa started to cry as she heard the words the man was saying. “[delete ".] (As she is thinking, this should also be underlined.)What did he mean? she thought.
{paragraph}“I ….I didn’t [COLOR="rgb(255, 0, 255)"]tttell[/COLOR]t-t-tell anyone, (a comma, not a period, belongs here)” she sobbed quietly.
{paragraph}She felt the man’s hand move from her breast to cover her mouth.
{paragraph}“[delete space]I told you not to say anything, Lisa. Now I will have to gag you.”
{paragraph}She tried to shake her head to get his hand off her mouth, but he was too strong. She felt his hand move off her mouth down to her chin to pull her mouth open. She didn’t even have time to react before she felt a hard, round object being pushed into her mouth, behind her teeth. It just sat there for a moment, and then she felt her head being pulled up and as the ball was pulled deeper into her mouth.
{paragraph}Lisa struggled not to panic and to keep breathing, but it was hard. When her head was placed back down she could feel straps bitting biting (sp) into her cheeks. She was so busy trying to calm down her breathing; ; [deleted] that (the word "that" might be a better choice here) she didn’t hear the man speak. It was not until he grabbed her face that she realised he was talking to her again.
Steve watched the girl trying to breath through the ball gag he had just placed in her mouth. It wasn’t a big one, but the feel of a ball gag took some girls a while to get used to. He told her to breath through her nose, but she didn’t appear to hear him.
{paragraph}He grabbed her face firmly, and said again, “[delete space]Lisa, just try to breath through your nose,. Tthat’s it.”
{paragraph}He watched as she managed to slow [COLOR="rgb(255, 0, 255)"]down[/COLOR] her breathing. “[delete space]I’m sorry I had to use the gag, but I did ask you not to speak.” He did wondered a bit about what she had been trying to say, but figured that she was just trying to [COLOR="rgb(255, 0, 255)"]say[/COLOR](repetitive) tell him she wouldn’t say anything if he let her go. He let her face go (repetitive) released her face and sat backwatching her , considering her.
{paragraph}She really was beautiful. Her breasts were moving up and down with her ragged breaths, and her long, dark hair was splayed out on the pillow around her head. He longed to remove the blindfold and see her eyes, but knew it was best to do that later. She had a strong, athletic build and he knew that she used to run for her school track team. However, she had quit suddenly mid-season, and no-body knew why.
{paragraph}“[delete space]Now, where was I,? (O)oh yes[COLOR="rgb(255, 0, 255)"],[/COLOR]; you will never see your family again. You will be trained to be what you were born to be. I know that you don’t understand what I am saying, but you will in time. For now, you need to do what you are told. As you have already found outdiscovered (wordy), I will not tolerate disobedience.”
{paragraph}Steve reached out and touched the ball gag in her mouth as he said this. “[delete space]However, if you behave and do as you are told, you will find me firm but fair. Now, I am going to release you. So long as you do not fight me and try to get away, you can stretch and go to the bathroom, if you need to.”
As soon as he mentioned the word bathroom, Lisa realised she did need to go--[delete space]badly. She hoped that he would be quick and that it wasn’t a trick.
{paragraph}She didn’t know what was going on,[B]. she Lisa (too many uses of the word "she") had been sure that the same group of men that had brutally raped her earlier in the year had grabbed her again,. Bbut now she wasn’t so sure. She hadn’t been hurt, at least not yet[COLOR="rgb(255, 0, 255)"],. Nnot like last time.
{paragraph}She felt his hands move down her legs and tensed, thinking that maybe he was just teasing[COLOR="rgb(255, 0, 255)"], but[/COLOR]. Tthen she felt his hand on her ankle releasing whatever it was that had been holding her there. (run-on sentences tend to confuse readers)
{paragraph}“[delete space]Just lay still, until I undo everything. If you fight me, I’ll have to retie you, but and you won’t like it much”, the man said.
{paragraph}She just lay there, too scared to move, knowing, somehow, that he would do as he said.
{paragraph}Finally, she felt her limbs released, however, he didn’t touch the blindfold or gag. It seemed like she lay there for hours, but it was really only a minute or two. She fought the urge to pull her legs together, wishing he would let her stand up. Just when she thought he never would, she felt his hand on her upper arm.
{paragraph}“Good Lisa, very good, now just stand...delete spaceslowly,. Yyou will be stiff for a while.”
{paragraph}She was stiff, and it was several minutes before she could stand up straight.
As Steve helped the girl to stand, he could feel her shaking, both with the pain of cramped muscles, and with fear. He had been here many times before, but there was something different about this one. He wasn’t sure what it was, but he guessed he had plenty of time to find out.
{paragraph}Once she was able to stand straight, he led her into the bathroom and sat her down onto the toilet. He knew many girls were embarrassed to go with him in the room, but he also knew this was something they she would have to get used to. He wondered how long Lisa would be able to hold out.
Lisa was thinking the same thing. She was desperate to go, but didn’t know if she could [COLOR="rgb(255, 0, 255)"]go[/COLOR] with him still holding onto her arms [COLOR="rgb(255, 0, 255)"]the way he was[/COLOR].
{paragraph}She had not gone to the toilet in front of anyone since she was a child, but if she didn’t go soon, she would burst. Not knowing how long he would be willing to wait, she started to pee. It seemed like it lasted forever, and she was so embarrassed, she dropped her head and cried behind the blindfold.
{paragraph}Soon, sShe felt him doing something behind her head, and breathed a sigh of relief when she felt the awful thing that was in her mouth gag being removed.
{paragraph}She took a deep breath and wondered if he would also take off the blindfold. She felt very vulnerable, even more than when she had been tied to the bed. She began to shake and to worry about what he would do next. Like the time she had spent (wordy) As before, whenlying on the bed untied, the time seemed to crawl. She had no idea how long she sat there, but the longer she did, the more she shook.
Steve felt her take the a deep breath as he removed the ball gag. [COLOR="rgb(255, 0, 255)"]He[/COLOR] His hands hovered behind the blindfold, but he decided to hold off for a bit longer. He knew the feeling of helplessness that it produced, and wanted her to feel it fully. He felt her begin to shake as she sat, and knew that she was starting to think of what he would do next.
{paragraph}Finally, he grabbed the top of her arms and pulled her to stand in front of him. Despite his earlier plans, he reached out behind her head and removed the blindfold. He saw her blink a few times, trying to get used to the light, and then move her eyes to look at him. What he saw were a set of the most beautiful, big, blue/-green eyes he had seen in a long time. He could see her fear and her pleading, and, finally, her tears.
Lisa felt the blindfold being removed after he had finally let her stand up.(Cumbersome wording here. I would suggest something like, "After raising her to her feet, she felt his hands at the back of her head, apparently removing the blindfold.") At first the light blinded her, but soon she was able to see his face.
{paragraph}What she saw was a man with a strong face, dark eyes and short, dark hair. She tried to see determine what he was thinking, but only succeeded in making herself feel even more afraid.
{paragraph}She felt her eyes fill with tears, yet again, and had to look away. As she put lowered (action verb) her head down, he lifted her [COLOR="rgb(255, 0, 255)"]head[/COLOR] face (repetitive) back up to look at him again.
{paragraph}“Lisa, look at me. Now (repetitive) Iin time, you will always look down unless directed to do otherwise, but for now I want to see your eyes.”
{paragraph}She found herself looking at him again, this time with tears streaming down her face. It was strange,. (This will have more impact if you break it into two sentences.) Hhe hadn’t hurt her, but she knew that he had full control over her. It was not like before, where she had been controlled by brute force, but it was still control.
“You have been very good since I removed you from the bed, so you will rewarded by being allowed to have a shower, and then you can ask me three questions. Now, I will give you 15 minutes to shower.”
{paragraph}With that, he was gone. Lisa looked around her and saw the shower and the door through which the bed [COLOR="rgb(255, 0, 255)"]was[/COLOR]stood. She had a brief thought of running out of (repetitive) through the door and finding a way out, but quickly put that thought out of her mind. as s(Run-on sentence.) She knew he would not just let her get away that easily. In fact, this could just be a test to see what she would do, (repetitive) how she would react .
{paragraph}Lisa took a deep breath and made her way to the shower. Once she had let the warm water had washed over her for a few minutes, she remembered what he had said about asking three questions. She had so many to ask, but what three would help her to learn more about her situation.? She was [COLOR="rgb(255, 0, 255)"]scared[/COLOR] afraid (active verb) to ask him straight out if he was part of the gang that had attacked her, in case he confirmed her fears that he was. She was no longer so sure [COLOR="rgb(255, 0, 255)"]as[/COLOR] he was treating her so different from how she had been treated_before.
{paragraph}By the time he [COLOR="rgb(255, 0, 255)"]re-entered the room[/COLOR] (wordy) returned, she had just turned off the water and was looking for a towel to dry her[delete space]self with. She jumped as she heard his voice.
“[delete space]Here, is this what you are looking for?”, Steve asked, making her jump.
{paragraph}He handed her a small towel, a hand towel, really. She took it and subself-consciously began to dry herself. He watched as she tried to cover herself (repetitive) up, then realisinged that the towel was too small; so she just tried to do the job as fast as she could.
{paragraph}He knew that she would feel more naked trying to dry herself then she had before, even though she had been naked all the timeunclothed from the start.
{paragraph}When she Lisa was dry, he reached out and led her by the elbow into the other room. He sat her on the bed while he pulled a chair up to sit in front of her. He (Too many pronouns.) Sitting her on the bed, hesaw her watching him as he moved across the room to get [COLOR="rgb(255, 0, 255)"]the[/COLOR] a chair and sit down. Once he was settled, he asked her if she had decided on her three questions.
{paragraph}She (Heavy use of pronouns continues.) Lisa took a deep breath and nodded her head.
{paragraph}He noticed that she had not spoken since he had removed the gag. At least she seems to respond well to a little training, he thought.
{paragraph}“[delete space]Ok then, here is your chance,: three questions. I can’t promise I can answer them fully, but I will tell you as much as I can.”
