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Originally Posted by
tessa
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Price of Admission
She couldn’t take anymore. Could she?
Obviously, the person raping that cute blonde’s throat thought she was capable of more. Jake just shrugged his big shoulders, and with a slight smile, took another long drink of his beer, all while keeping his eyes on the blonde kneeling on the floor- the one getting the hell fucked out of her mouth. He’d been waiting three months for this to happen and he wasn’t about to miss one part of it.
Well, you have my attention. Get rid of "just", though.
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Actually, the blonde was on an elevated platform, and at the perfect level for taking complete advantage of a warm, wet mouth. Jake took a second or two to study her positioning. She was tied in a way that allowed access to every orifice, should anyone take the notion. But at the moment, only one had a notion. A stray thought ambled across his mind about the availability of her ass, but tandem action, though a great deal of visual pleasure, just really wasn’t his thing.
Get rid of "but" and change "a" to "the". There are a few technical gaffes I am sure were already bitched about by others of my ilk.
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Jake took notice of her breasts, which were the perfect size and shape to his mind. And the way those nipple clamps were attached to the platform made it agony for the chick when someone pulled her torso up by the rope that was braided through her hair.
This was clumsy. The first sentence sort of peters out and the second sentence starts with "and" but should be attached to the first sentence. The rope braided in her hair could have been better said. I tend to enjoy certain adjectives that offset the violence that goes on. Doing so tends to bring the violence a little more sharpness. In essence - her hair could have been carefully or gently braided. Contrasts like that can really liven things. Also, "that was" is completely unecessary.
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That girl was tied down and tied up, all of it tight and right.
Was she a chick or a girl? The main description of her is disrespectul. "Girl" is more respectful and doesn't quite fit. Though, my first reaction was "yeah, boy!"
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Her mouth was being kept nicely open by the ring gag. Even if she wanted to close it, and Jake was sure she probably did, she wouldn’t be able to.
This is one of those sentences that could have packed more punch. I would have started it with "A ring-gag" and gone on from there, describing how her "gaping maw" was ready for use. I think the notion of this story calls for more impact that you are tending towards.
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Jake gave a silent toast to the inventor of that particular gag before taking another drink from his long neck. Speaking of necks, the saliva ran freely down the girl’s chin and neck as the cock stabbed savagely in and out of her mouth.
So much about Jake but nothing about whether he was enjoying the saliva running down her neck? By the way, I did like the juxtaposition of "necks". It was rather amusing, though you missed a chance for him to admire the similarities of the beaded water running down the long neck bottle and the girl's own drool. No, I am not complaining. I liked this. But you sure did miss a good opportunity.
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The sounds coming from her mouth were exquisite and pleasing to his ear, but then again, Jake had always preferred the sounds of a trapped victim. Her lips were already bruised, he could see, and a thin trickle of blood trailed its way down from the corner of her mouth- like a tear streak, but crimson and perfectly out of place.
"Perfectly out of place" - that rocked.
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The girl's ravager grabbed hold of the her head, steadying that pretty little face.
Give me something here - an apparent reason, how she held the face...give me a climax to this sentence to set up the rest of the paragraph. Get my cock hard with description.
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If Jake had to guess, that cute blonde was in for the throat fucking of a lifetime. When the cock rammed down her throat the first time, making that blonde slut gag mightily, he knew he was guessing true.
I really liked this. The only thing is that, the manner this story was told I can see him giving a chuckle of "I told ya so". I have been needing more of his reactions - physical - to what was going on.
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It was sheer delight to watch the panic enter those blue eyes when the girl realized she couldn’t breathe, to see the tears start to roll down her face. But most of all, it was poetry in form to observe that gorgeous female form convulse with gagging heaves. Jake couldn’t stop the groan that surfaced. Just the thought of a tight, gag-induced throat constricting on his shaft made his dick rock hard in an instant.
The last part of this was a bit ungainly - "instantly made his dick rock hard" would be my suggestion. This whole paragraph worked, though I think you can spruce it up. The imagery is right but it's not quite what it could be - what I have seen you to be capable of.
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He watched, mesmerized, as over and over, that big cock penetrated into that gaping mouth, pushing down past the back of the throat, cutting off her air supply.
I would start this with "Mesmerized, he watched", mostly because mesmerized is such a good word - far more active than "he watched". Also, ask the grammar Nazi if there are commas in wrong places. I think there might be. Psst...grammar Nazi?
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The war for air the victim waged with her attacker created such an electrifying eroticism for Jake, held him captive as it were, and was so powerfully riveting, that he failed to notice that the throat-fuckee had passed out.
You had me up to "fuckee". I would have used something like "hapless victim" or some such. Um, "fuckee" - I gotta give you a Steve McQueen grimace of disapproval for that one.
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Only when the cock slid completely out of the girl’s slack-jawed mouth did some of his awareness return to him. Along with some fierce frustration.
Fix this - the second sentence shouldn't be on its own.
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“Fucking bitch,” he muttered. “Could’ve made it last ‘til I shot my load.”
He motioned for the waiter to bring his tab. As he waited, his beautiful slut walked towards him, her strap-on cock still glistening from the leavings of the blonde’s mouth. When she stopped beside him, Jake stroked her cheek as she gazed adoringly at him.
Nice little surprise. Well put.
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“See? Sometimes punishment is best served cold. Had I commanded you do this three months ago when you made that dreadful mistake, you might have been too overwhelmed to enjoy it. When we watch the recording of it together later, I’ll point out to you just how much you enjoyed it.” He watched as she mentally recoiled from the idea, saw the blush creep up her neck and tinge her beautiful face a lovely shade of red. Really, she was making it too easy for him.
“I know how humiliated you feel for deriving any pleasure from this act, but this punishment was well-deserved. Plus, you served me well in the doing of it. Truly, it was a stellar show, baby. I’m proud of you for being so enthusiastic about your involvement in it. Like I said, you will see what I mean when we view the playback.” He chuckled low when she blushed again.
“However, I would have been much better served had the bitch lasted a few moments longer. This infraction will most decidedly make the list.” The calculated look he gave his slave left no doubt that some form of harsh punishment would again be hers in the near future.
Jake pointed towards the overly large strap-on his slave wore. “Take that thing off now. You won’t be needing it anymore tonight.” His evil smile had her staring at him a moment longer than allowable, lost in the wonder of what he was thinking. Jake didn’t prolong her misery.
“However, since your next punishment will be more immediate, you best go retrieve the ring gag. You will be needing that later.”
Good stuff, Tessa. I am sure the grammar Nazi's nailed your ass on some gaffes - some commas in the wrong places, shit like that. They are bastards that way. I don't really point those things out because I am nice.
The style you told this in was light and airy, sounding amused at the situation. A bit more levity in the writing would have really helped that along. Anyhow, this was a good read with a nice twist.
