Welcome to the block.
Your first assignment is to write a scene/chapter/story that includes the following elements:
A china cream pitcher
A stack of baseball cards
A basket containing 6 remote control for various electronics
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Welcome to the block.
Your first assignment is to write a scene/chapter/story that includes the following elements:
A china cream pitcher
A stack of baseball cards
A basket containing 6 remote control for various electronics
Game Boy
Sandee was standing at the door of an apartment building. She almost felt giddy she was so nervous. She had talked to Ray online for several months, but they had never met in real life. They hadn't even exchanged pictures. Now, all she had to do was push the button to ring the bell. Ray would buzz her in and they would finally meet. What happened after that she would leave to fate, and Ray.
Sandee thought about her husband for a fleeting moment. In her mind the marriage had been over for many years. She stayed in it for her children. In a few more years the youngest of her two children would graduate from high school, and she could be free. At thirty-seven years old, she thought she would still have time for a life. This was the first time she had stepped outside of her marriage, but after so many months of thinking about this encounter, she was determined to go through with it.
She took a deep breath, and pushed the button. Ray's voice came from the speaker, and Sandee's voice quivered as she said," Hi Ray it's Sandee." Over the buzzing of the door, Sandee heard him say, "Just let yourself in; I'm in 203."
Sandee walked into the building and took a small elevator to the second floor. She took another deep breath and let herself in to apartment 203.
She could hear the shower running as she stood in the living room and looked around. The furniture appeared new and modern. It actually looked like it could have been in House Beautiful, except for the extra clutter here and there. On one end table was a softball trophy. Behind the table was a muddy pair of sneakers and two bats propped against the wall. In front of the leather sofa there was a gorgeous steel and glass table. On it was a black MacBook, and a couple of controllers for a sony Wii. Over on the entertainment center was a 42 inch plasma television, a stereo, a satellite receiver and DVR, and the Wii. The table on the other end of the sofa held a stack of baseball cards, and a basket with six remote controls. Sandee assumed they were for the various electronics in the living room. She knew Ray was twenty-six, and thought how the apartment was a mixture of both boy and man.
Sandee's heart started beating faster when she heard the shower being shut off. She thought it would nearly stop when Ray walked into the room. All he was wearing was a pair of jeans that he hadn't zipped, and he was rubbing a towel through his thick blonde hair. He was all glistening smooth tan skin and muscle. He flashed a big smile as he dropped the towel, grabbed Sandee's face, and gave her a deep sensuous kiss. Then, as he ran his hands through her long red hair, he said, "Damn Sandee, you're beautiful."
He told her to sit on the couch and brought her a glass of wine. They sat and talked for a short while. He apologized for being in the shower, and explained he had just returned from softball practice. He reached into the basket of remotes and turned on some soft music, then he stood and pulled Sandee to her feet. "Come with me."
Ray led her into the bedroom, then looked into her eyes as he started to unbutton her blouse. Although she was very warm, Sandee started to shiver as he removed all of her clothes. When she was completely naked he stood her against the wall and cuffed her wrists in front of her. He then raised her arms over her head and caught the cuffs on a hook in the wall above her. Ray chuckled when he heard Sandee's breath catch in her chest as he did it. "Just hang out here for a moment pet, I'll be right back."
Sandee started worrying about what she'd gotten herself into. Even though she felt as if she knew Ray from all the time they'd spent together online, she really knew nothing about him. She panicked now because she had no idea what he was going to do next.
She was thinking of trying to get away, which would have been impossible, when Ray walked back into the room. He was carrying a china cream pitcher. Sandee was so nervous now that she didn't think what an odd sight that was. 'Open your mouth Sandee," he said, as he dipped his finger into the pitcher. He touched his finger to her tongue. It was covered in warm honey. Then he started to pour the honey on her shoulder's. It made her squirm as it trickled slowly over her breasts and onto her belly. Her legs went weak when he started licking the honey off her nipples. He then pinched one of her nipples, hard, as he put his face next to her ear and said, "Game on Sandee."
Hi NightNurse,
What I focused on was your story, how well it pulled me in and held my interest. Checking the use of the three elements as outlined in the assignment, was secondary. Below are a couple things I want to bring to your attention.
Game Boy
Sandee was standing at the door of an apartment building. She almost felt giddy she was so nervous. She had talked to Ray online for several months, but they had never met in real life. They hadn't even exchanged pictures. Now, all she had to do was push the button to ring the bell. Ray would buzz her in and they would finally meet. What happened after that she would leave to fate, and Ray.
Great introduction. The scene is set for a first encounter.
Sandee thought about her husband for a fleeting moment. In her mind the marriage had been over for many years. She stayed in it for her children. In a few more years the youngest of her two children would graduate from high school, and she could be free. At thirty-seven years old, she thought she would still have time for a life. This was the first time she had stepped outside of her marriage, but after so many months of thinking about this encounter, she was determined to go through with it.
~~~~~~~~~~~
Take note of the number of times Sandee’s name is used below…four times in five sentences. When in doubt, read the words aloud to yourself.
She took a deep breath, and pushed the button.
Note the formatting of the dialogue.
Ray's voice came from the speaker, and Sandee's voice quivered as she said," Hi Ray it's Sandee."
Over the buzzing of the door, Sandee heard him say, "Just let yourself in; I'm in 203."
Sandee walked into the building and took a small elevator to the second floor. She took another deep breath and let herself in to apartment 203.
~~~~~~~~~~
She could hear the shower running as she stood in the living room and looked around. The furniture appeared new and modern. It actually looked like it could have been in House Beautiful, except for the extra clutter here and there. On one end table was a softball trophy. Behind the table was a muddy pair of sneakers and two bats propped against the wall. In front of the leather sofa there was a gorgeous steel and glass table. On it was a black MacBook, and a couple of controllers for a sony Wii. Over on the entertainment center was a 42 inch plasma television, a stereo, a satellite receiver and DVR, and the Wii. The table on the other end of the sofa held a stack of baseball cards, and a basket with six remote controls. Sandee assumed they were for the various electronics in the living room. She knew Ray was twenty-six, and thought how the apartment was a mixture of both boy and man.
Good detailed description of the living room. I saw it through your eyes. It sounded elegant, yet cluttered. The last sentence sums it up quite nicely.
Sandee's heart started beating faster when she heard the shower being shut off. She thought it would nearly stop when Ray walked into the room. All he was wearing was a pair of jeans that he hadn't zipped, and he was rubbing a towel through his thick blonde hair. He was all glistening smooth tan skin and muscle. He flashed a big smile as he dropped the towel, grabbed Sandee's face, and gave her a deep sensuous kiss.
dialogueThen, as he ran his hands through her long red hair, he said, "Damn Sandee, you're beautiful."
He told her to sit on the couch and brought her a glass of wine. They sat and talked for a short while. He apologized for being in the shower, and explained he had just returned from softball practice. He reached into the basket of remotes and turned on some soft music, then he stood and pulled Sandee to her feet.
dialogue"Come with me."
Ray led her into the bedroom, then looked into her eyes as he started to unbutton her blouse. Although she was very warm, Sandee started to shiver as he removed all of her clothes. When she was completely naked he stood her against the wall and cuffed her wrists in front of her. He then raised her arms over her head and caught the cuffs on a hook in the wall above her. Ray chuckled when he heard Sandee's breath catch in her chest as he did it.
That’s THE hook, this last sentence. It pulled me in even more.
dialogue"Just hang out here for a moment pet, I'll be right back."
Sandee started worrying about what she'd gotten herself into. She started worrying now? Even though she felt as if she knew Ray from all the time they'd spent together online, she really knew nothing about him. She panicked now because she had no idea what he was going to do next.
She was thinking of trying to get away, which would have been impossible, when Ray walked back into the room. He was carrying a china cream pitcher. Sandee was so nervous now that she didn't think what an odd sight that was.
dialogue'Open your mouth Sandee," he said, as he dipped his finger into the pitcher.
He touched his finger to her tongue. It was covered in warm honey. Then he started to pour the honey on her shoulder's. It made her squirm as it trickled slowly over her breasts and onto her belly. Her legs went weak when he started licking the honey off her nipples.
dialogueHe then pinched one of her nipples, hard, as he put his face next to her ear and said, "Game on Sandee."
Yeah! Game on!
Good job on your first assignment. There are some bumpy spots, sentences that could be re-phrased, and juxtaposed. In instances where there are too many 'hes' consider using his name. Same with Sandee. What I would like for you to do, is to read it aloud to yourself and edit it.
Thanks Nikita- It's amazing what you notice when you read out loud!
That works for me when I edit a piece of my own work the first time around.Quote:
Originally Posted by NightNurse
You are up in the morning. Thanks for being patient.
r
Not a problem!
Is it too late to just rewrite the whole thing?? :)
No. :)Quote:
Originally Posted by NightNurse
Not if that is what you want to do. Let me know when you are ready.Quote:
Originally Posted by NightNurse
Great! I didn't know that was allowed. ;)
nikita gave me some great pointers. I will rewrite today.
Thanks!
Glad to see you survived Thanksgiving rose!
Game Boy
Sandee was standing at the door of an apartment building. She almost felt giddy she was so nervous. She had talked to Ray online for several months, but they had never met in real life. They hadn't even exchanged pictures. Now, all she had to do was push the button to ring the bell. Ray would buzz her in and they would finally meet. What happened after that she would leave to fate, and Ray.
Sandee thought about her husband for a fleeting moment. In her mind the marriage had been over for many years. She stayed in it for her children. In a few more years the youngest of the two would graduate from high school, and Sandee could be free. At thirty-seven years old, she thought there would still be time for a life. This was the first time she had stepped outside of her marriage, but after so many months of thinking about this encounter, she was determined to go through with it.
Sandee took a deep breath, and pushed the button. Ray's voice came from the speaker, and her voice quivered as she said," Hi Ray it's Sandee."
Over the buzzing of the door, she heard him say, "Just let yourself in; I'm in 203."
She walked into the building and took a small elevator to the second floor, then took another deep breath and let herself in to the apartment.
Sandee could hear the shower running as she stood in the living room and looked around. The furniture appeared new and modern. It actually looked like it could have been in House Beautiful, except for the extra clutter here and there. On one end table was a softball trophy. Behind the table was a muddy pair of sneakers and two bats propped against the wall. In front of the leather sofa there was a gorgeous steel and glass table. On it was a black MacBook, and a couple of controllers for a sony Wii. Over on the entertainment center was a 42 inch plasma television, a stereo, a satellite receiver and DVR, and the Wii. The table on the other end of the sofa held a stack of baseball cards, and a basket with six remote controls. Sandee assumed they were for the various electronics in the living room. She knew Ray was twenty-six, and thought how the apartment was a mixture of both boy and man.
Sandee's heart started beating faster when she heard the shower being shut off. She thought it would nearly stop when Ray walked into the room rubbing a towel through his thick blonde hair. All he was wearing was a pair of jeans that he hadn't zipped. His body was all glistening smooth tan skin and muscle. He flashed a big smile as he dropped the towel, grabbed Sandee's face, and gave her a deep sensuous kiss.
Then, running his hands through her long red hair, he said, "Damn Sandee, you're beautiful."
After apologizing for being in the shower, he explained his softball practice had run longer than expected. He motioned for her to sit on the couch, and brought them each a glass of red wine. Using one of the remotes in the basket, Ray turned on some soft music, as they sat and talked for a short while. Then he stood and pulled Sandee to her feet.
"Come with me."
Ray led her into the bedroom, then looked into her eyes as he unbuttoned her blouse. Although she was very warm, Sandee started to shiver as the rest of her clothes were removed. When all of her pale ivory skin was exposed, Ray stood her against the wall, and cuffed her small wrists in front of her. He then raised her arms over her head and attached the cuffs on a hook in the wall above. Ray chuckled when Sandee's breath caught in her chest as he did it.
"Just hang out here for a moment pet, I'll be right back."
Sandee had been so sure about her decision to be here, but now she was afraid of what she'd gotten herself into. Even though she felt as if she knew Ray from all the time they'd spent together online, Sandee really knew nothing about him. She panicked because she had no idea what he was going to do next.
She was thinking of trying to get away, which would have been impossible, when Ray walked back into the room. He was carrying a china cream pitcher. Sandee was so nervous now that she didn't think what an odd sight that was.
"Open your mouth Sandee," he said, as he dipped his finger into the pitcher.
Ray touched his finger to her tongue. It was covered in warm honey. Then he started to pour the honey on her shoulder's. It made her squirm as it trickled slowly over her full breasts and onto her belly. Her legs went weak when he started licking the honey off her nipples.
He then pinched one of her nipples, hard, as he put his face next to her ear and said, "Game on Sandee."
(C) 2007 NightNurse Draft in progress. All rights reserved.
Ok everyone- I'm finally finished. Let the shredding begin!!
At last things settle down enough to spend some time with this.
Nice characterization work and good use of the elements. A good read and the continuation should be smoking. Just a few tiny nits, mostly commas and unnecessary words. Remember, any word that doesn't add to the story detracts from it. i'll get your next assignment posted today or tomorrow.
Quote:
Originally Posted by NightNurse
A right riveting read Nightnurse - thank you