Interview With God

I enjoy writing humorous pieces as much as any other kind of fiction. A style I particularly like is the fake news item, such as this:

GOD RESPONDS TO PARIS HILTON'S CLAIMS SHE FOUND HIM

Mount Sinai (AFP) Speaking in what is only His second interview in more than two millenia, God has said He wants to be categorically 'on the record' that Paris Hilton definitely hasn't found him. His comments were made to Moses XLIII, the forty-third generation descendent of Moses who recorded God's first interview.

"There's no way Paris Hilton could have found me," Moses quoted God as saying on his ABC television program 'Stone Tablet News' on Monday. "I am Almighty and I don't just move in mysterious ways, I'm darn good at playing hide-and-seek!"

Moses said God, who sounded in fine spirits despite dwindling numbers of believers, thinks Hilton had Him confused with His only begotten son, Jesus.

"When Jesus was young, He was a very crafty hide-and-seek player," God said. "Anybody who has read My book will recall the time he managed to hide from Mary and Joseph for three days and nights in a temple of all places!"

When questioned by Moses as to Jesus' whereabouts from the age of twelve to thirty-three, God replied, "Not telling! But I will say it was rather foolish of him to have come out of hiding. We all know what that folly led to!"

God then claimed that Hilton may even have Him confused with the Virgin Mary.

"Think of it this way," God said unto Moses. "Paris Hilton probably has never even seen a grilled cheese sandwich in her life. Prison food like that can make people see all sorts of strange things but when was the last time anybody ever saw Me burned into a grilled cheese sandwich?"

Independent sources confirm that manifestations of God have never taken any anthropormorphic form and that it's only ever been the Virgin Mary and her Son Jesus, who have ever been seen in this form.

When asked by Moses why Paris Hilton should claim to have found Him, God replied, "Bless her, her heart's probably in the right place but she isn't one of My brightest creatures. Obviously, the publicity is good for Me too and goes to show that repentent sinners invariably turn to My religion when they get sent to jail and not one of those kooky new-age ones they all flock to on the outside world."

God then scoffed at suggestions that Paris Hilton intended to give up her lifestyle of endless VIP parties, red carpets and pursuing the limelight upon her release.

"She's obviously forgotten My omnipresence if she thinks she can tell such porkies and not get smited. Besides, the whole Rupert Murdoch empire would crumble if it wasn't for the bubble-headed antics of celebutantes like Hilton."

When Moses asked if this would be such a bad thing, God replied, "Of course! Rupert is the embodiment of evil on earth and without evil, there can be no free will and without free will, there can be no salvation. The whole darn Christian industry would collapse if something like that ever happened!"

In summarizing, Moses asked whether God believed Hilton found Jesus or the Virgin Mary to which He replied, "My money is on Mary. Hilton is, afterall, not exactly on death row. If she was, she'd have a better chance of finding Jesus but she still wouldn't find Me -- especially after just three days looking!"

Meanwhile, God took time to speak with Pope Benedict XVI after his interview with Moses.

Pope Benedict asked, "Holy Father, who do you think will win the soccer World Cup this year?"

God merely smiled and tsk-tsked the pontiff and, amid a fury of thunder and lightning, ascended back up to Heaven.