Let's be frank, here folks. There is an edge to our fantasies and our play that hints at a total loss of control like this. It is there in nearly ALL that we do.

Speaking from a male Dom's physical perspective... For instance, the act of gripping her hair when she's on her hands and knees and pulling her head back is an act of total control. It's an act that says "I control you, period. I will do what I like, take what I want, and only my desires matter." Now, UNDER THAT ACT is the understanding that I will never do my pet ANY physical harm, and she knows that. However, bringing that to the surface too much will kill the mood, kill the fantasy that encircles what is done, and stop all action, either quickly or slowly. The quick way to bring the reality that I will never physically hurt her to the middle of the fantasy is to use her safe word/signal.

So, in the first place, it's good to remember as we say "how I play is good but how the play in the story goes is bad" that when we play, we point toward that "bad play" but we keep assurances way under the surface that it won't really happen. It's those assurances, in the end, that allow the sub to let go and enjoy the humiliation or pain or whatever other non-vanilla aspect they enjoy, because they can lay down their self-preservation instinct with confidence.

There is a border, of course. It is mostly defined by what "hurt" means. For some, being pissed on would be hurt. For others, it would be scat play. For most (but not all) it would be involuntary permanent physical change (or change that required outside medical assistance to remediate). I can hear many of you saying that THIS is why we establish (or should establish) hard limits prior to attachment, and you are spot on. However, let's not judge someone else's hard limits. Equally, Doms, let's not accept extreme hard limits from someone who is not mentally prepared to grant them. It that respect, morbid as it sounds, a hard limit agreement is much like a will. "I, Gearjammer, being of sound and disposing mind..." applies to both situations and MUST be true, and it is on US, fellow Doms, to get it right.

In the end, taking up a sexual life that points to a total loss of control, that employs that idea as a fantasy cloud that surrounds what we do, without accompanying it with real harm, is not easy. It is a remarkably fine line, and it is primarily the Dom's responsibility to keep it ON that line. Off to one side, and the sub gets nothing she needs. Off to the other, and it's abuse. It's plain which was is the better failure mode, but it's still a failure mode, and most of us don't like failure, so there's a danger of rebounding to the other failure mode, given how thin the line is.

(written in words that accomodate a male Dom/female sub situation, and not meant to exclude any other combinations, which would be equally true in the words that fit that combination)